Why I stay/ my struggle with my own addiction/ confusing mess
The questions and the answers of the last week have really stirred me. I want to own the positives of why I stay- the love, the committment. I have to own the rest of it too, here more than anywhere, and that is MY addiction, my addiction to my addict. Somehow, it's the addiction piece that keeps bubbling up first, and that's what's troubling to me.
I started my recovery in Codependents Anonymous, about a decade before I even met my addict. Each week, I heard the characteristics of a codependent. One is that we are extremely loyal, remaining in situations that are harmful for far too long. I heard Mantra share that for a moment, the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. I was in that place, in a moment that startled even me, back in March. My addict was making choices about our family that I couldn't live with. She saw how it was affecting me. She back-pedalled. But the damage was done. At the time, I felt so stuck, that I had no decent options. The pain of staying was overwhelming, but so was the pain of going.
Damn, it's 6 months later, and we're in such a good place right now, but just writing about this brings me right back there. It's not healed. It's buried. And this is NOT where I was going with this post. But I guess it is. I am addicted to my addict. Like any addiction, it starts as a great ride. But what used to bring pleasure begins to bring pain. And it's my addiction that kept me here in the midst of the worst of the pain. When I'm honest with myself, it wasn't the love, it wasn't the commitment, it was the addiction that kept me here through the worst of it. I couldn't stop, even when it hurt.
You know, this stuff is so messy. Sometimes I wish I were addicted to a specific substance, and one that is not necessary for life. I am a codependent. My addiction is to relationships. And even if I chose to leave this particular relationship, even if I chose to be single forever, I can't choose NOT to be in relationship, period. I'm also a compulsive overeater. And I can't choose NOT to eat at all. So I muddle through with the tools I have found in my programs of recovery- detachment, a plan of eating, working the steps.
But here's what else I find confusing. I'm grateful for my addiction. I'm glad that I was stubborn enough, or loving enough, or commited enough or even most likely sick-addicted enough to make it through the worst part and be in this good place that we're building right now.
I don't know. I'm all over the place. I think I'm just gonna stop this post here and put it out there. Thanks for letting me ramble.
2 comments:
It's hard, isn't it? I'm trying not to think of staying as sick, or as all-the-way sick. I'm trying to think of it as RIGHT, as doing the RIGHT thing. Soon, I'm going to write a post about how living with my husband through his addiction has made me realize that I'm a good person in a way I'd forgotten.
And oh, how I know that feeling of addiction to the person...for me, it feels less like I need the relationship and more like I need HIM...and not even properly need. I can't stay away from the smell of him for too long...I get crazy if I can't touch him or smell him or brush my lips against his shoulder. It's a very physical thing, this need...and that's what I don't leave...his physical presence, his warm, living body...or that's at least half or what I don't leave. The other half is that love and hope business...
And I can't figure out if that's sick or not. Isn't that what it's like, to be in love?
Oh, Man, I know about relationship addiction for real, for real. Love addiction they told me back in my second rehab in '87. And I replied, "Whatever."
I have a saying about decisions and life choices that goes like this: "It's always about a girl/woman." If I look in my past, and even in my present, I find it almost always is....
Nice post. Thank you.
Peace,
Scout
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