My Blog...

I know I said that I was taking a break from writing. I have changed my mind, but I do need to make my personal blog private. So those of you who wrote me off to early retirement (JW), I wanted to let you know that I will be bringing my blog back. Please send me an email if you would like access.

Sorry for using space here to promote my own agenda ;)

Thanks,
Ej.

Great Expectations

I don't have expectations. Expectations in your life just lead to giant disappointments.
Michael Landon

I am struggling with something right now because I had expectations. And I was let down.

When I have expectations about a person, place or situation, it almost always will fall short of my standards or what I imagined it to be. It is alright to have a goal and work towards it. It is alright to have principles of personal integrity. However, it is not alright for me to live with expectations.

Here are some definitions of expectation(s):

(1) Prospects, especially of success of gain
(2) eager anticipation
(3) belief (mental picture) of the future
(4) the feeling that something is about to happen

All of those definitions point to the fact that I believe I have control. I believe I can can call the shots in my life.

I am powerless over the players in this game of life. I can't set expectations because I will always want them to play out in my favor, and I will be let down. I can't always "eagerly anticipate" because sometimes the best things in life come to those who wait. My mental picture of what lies in the future (as one person) is too narrow, and probably way off target, for something as profound as humanity and the world.

I can set my mind to a goal (which is defined as the result or achievement toward which effort is directed). A goal is working in the present. I cannot EXPECT that I will reach my goal, but I can put in as much effort and integrity as I can to get there.

And if I am not successful with my goal, life goes on. I will have to accept the positive or the negative, as when I live without expectations, the outcome will be a wonderful surprise to me. If it's good, then I am even happier. If it's bad, then I won't be so disappointed and I'll learn from it.

Now, though, I'm paying the price because I didn't follow that simple quote above.

Losing another person

It seems that not only are the seasons changing, but everyone around me is also. My best friend, for lack of a better word right now, is just acting like someone I do not even know. We have always been so connected, and now, I have no idea who she is. She has a new love, they are engaged, they are a wonderful couple. He has the most beautiful 2yr old little girl. My best friend referred to her as her daughter once, and I was very taken back by that. Her and her man have only been together for 2 1/2 months, and as a mother, I find her referring to this beauty as hers a bit offensive. Parenthood is not something you just throw on, like a jacket for the day. It is huge, like HUGE. Now, this has nothing to do with love, bc I know my friend, and I know the love she has for this child. I am just a bit shocked really, that her father would allow this. I find it so disrespectful to her mother. Now, that being said, I do not think that after time, like a year or so, she could not refer to her as hers. She has said to me, in the most smart ass tone ever, "I didn't know there was a book" well, now we all know there is no book, just common sense. At least that is my feeling. I also told her that this really has nothing to do with me, and as long as they are all ok with this, that is really all that matters. Now, everything is different. She is extremely angry at me, and I do not understand it at all. All I said to her was I was a bit shocked, after only 2 1/2 months, to hear that was a definite shocker.
I can not get my hands around this one. Her man and I did not hit it off so to speak. BUT, it got to be a huge problem, so I picked up the phone, spoke to him, telling him that we need to find a middle ground here, because her not being in my life is simply not an option for me. Although now, it appears that is just what she wants. I was speaking to my sister about this earlier, and she said that her opinion is my friend simply has to have conflict in her life, and honestly in my sisters opinion, she can not handle more than one person in her life at a time. So, now I am left feeling as if I was just someone to pass the time until she found her love. I am not upset over her finding her love, I am very happy for her. I know the pain she felt with out him, and now she is happy. I want her happy. I have always wanted her happiness, which is why I called him in the first place. He put her in the middle of us, a place she has no business being. I still feel deep down that he does not like me, or Joe, and really wants us to not be friends. That being said, I guess he won that one. She is being so mean, so distant, and just flat out a bitch to me. I am really at the end of my rope with all of this. I am very stressed these days, waiting for word on my hubby's release, the kids, work, all of it. Not that she would know, since she is never around anymore. I do miss her, yet, this new her, I just do not like at all. She has changed who she is, everything is just so different. I expected distance with the new man, but God, not for her to lose who she is. I guess it was bound to happen this way, she always feared when Joe gets home. But, I can have both of them in my life, even if she can't. Like I said, I can't help but think, with the short history there is with her man, her and me, that this is all him. He wants me out of her life, and he is getting what he wants. I don't think she even realizes it. It hurts, honestly it hurts bad. I thought of her as family, closer than my sisters actually. Guess I was wrong.
I am used to losing people. I lost many when I got clean, when Joe went to prison. This time, I am just so hurt. This girl was the one person who I truly let in, she knew all of my addiction, everything about me, and never judged me. Now, a fucking man is going to be the end of us. I can't help but feel anger. I feel like, I should not have told her a thing about my past, my addiction, any of it. What a total let down, really on myself for believing anyone could be that trustworthy. I feel like a fucking fool. I really do. I feel used.
Thanks for listening, I really needed to just get that out.

What Do You Think?

I don't know about you guys but I figured a fresh look was appropriate. What do you think? If you absolutely hate it and would like it to go back to the way it was (I know us addicts are resistant to change) let me know and I will change things back.

The only other changes that I am looking to make is to add a peekaview option to our posts so that only a preview of the entire post will be visible on the homepage. It will make it easier to view all of the posts. Unfortunately... the directions that Blogger gives for adding the HTML code are not really easy to follow. I need to get someone with a little more HTML experience to help me out.

Ej had mentioned in his original passing the torch post that there haven't been very many posts to this site lately. I can say that I am guilty of this as well.

I think of this site as a place where both addicts and those who have addicts as loved ones can come together, share, and learn from one another. It's really a unique situation in that aspect.

I would love to see more regular posting from everyone (myself included). But hey, I just got my post done...where is yours?

Passing the torch!

I wanted to first thank you all for the opportunity to be the moderator for The Write Thought, it has been an amazing experience for me in which I have had the opportunity to make some great new friends, read some amazing stories, great comments, and well, it's just been an awesome time! Thank you all!

Next, I want to thank Erin (erinsav) of What Winners Do for taking over the reigns of moderator here at The Write Thought. Being a community blog, I think it's good to share the responsibility (be it small) of moderator. But also give someone new a chance to blow some fresh air into our community.

Don't worry, I still plan to post now and again; when I have something to say :)

Thanks all,
Ej.

mereggie, a.k.a. me, reggie macdonald a true story

I found this amazing site this evening while testing out a new search extension that I had just downloaded and installed to Firefox. I was randomly inputting various searches regarding the topic heroin. The site that I found is entitled mereggie, a.k.a. me, reggie macdonald a true story and its description reads mereggie, the sad true story of reggie macdonald of souris, pei, canada who lived life in the fast lane, involvement with / drug addiction, and subsequent disappearance.

His family is still searching for him or at the very least, hoping for his safe return to them. What he left behind is an unbelievable amount of his personal writings and what we have apparently lost is an incredible talent and voice that for now has been silenced. I’ve barely touched the surface of this site myself. The only thing preventing me from reading further is my desperate need for sleep at the moment. I dare anyone who visits this site to willingly look away.

mereggie is the true story of Reggie Macdonald.

In early December 2005, Reggie left home, while under the apparent effect of crystal meth and disappeared, and despite a country wide search could not be found.

Reggie led a troubled life dealing with drug addiction and the lingering effects on his personal and professional life. Shortly after he disappeared, his family found hundreds of pages of his writings which shed light on his struggles. Reggie had hoped to become a writer and that his life story would have a positive impact on someone, and so with this site, we present his writings.

Read the writing called Methadone, which describes the awful existence of a heroin addict on methadone. If this doesn’t want to make you avoid drugs, then I am surprised. For more harrowing tales that might lead one to avoid drugs, read the Iceland, Kidnapped! and other readings.

If you are intrigued, read on - you can start with Reg’s intro to his story …. more details will be added over the next few months …

NOTE:While Reg was very articulate and a very good writer, at times his perspective is very harsh, most likely affected by his addiction. We hope that his writings are viewed in that context, as the views Reg often expressed are not the views of his family.

The following entry of his is one that I can, unfortunately, relate all to well . Whatever. Now in my past I should think, and hope, and pray. This particular entry spoke to me specifically on many levels.

Prior to me starting back on MMT, I was hooked hardcore to dilaudids and just for me to maintain at a reasonable level, I required at least ten 8mg pills on a daily basis. This certainly doesn't mean that I got them everyday because even at this level, the best price one could hope for was $100 which actually meant for us $200 - there were two active addicts involved in all of this insanity after all. While we did manage to come close most days, at our worst we were still spending on average approx $2600 monthly.

I could have practically written this piece myself the similarities are so eerie. Again I encourage everyone to visit this site. This entry will be cross posted to METHADONE PRETTY as well.

methadone

When I get up in the morning, I don’t grab a coffee. I go to the fridge for my 100 ml bottle of methadone. After that my day is just like yours. But I wasn’t always like this. Life was a lot harder, a lot rougher. Every morning I would be sick as / like a dog. I’d crush up a couple of 8mg Dilaudid tablets and boil them in a spoon, then I’d fill a syringe. Tie my arm off and plunge the cure into my arm. And then I was good for … 3 or 4 hours. Wash, rinse, repeat. I couldn’t work.

Dilaudid is illegal unless your Dr. [gives you] a prescription. With a few phone calls you can get them for about $20 each. I used at least 10 a day. 10 to keep the sickness at bay, 10 to 20 more if I wanted to get high, and usually, I did if I had the money. It’s not easy to come up with $500/day for pills/medicine, but its gotta be done - or else the sickness – it’s always there. As soon as the pills begin to wear off, its banging at the door. Cramps, chills, sweats, diarrhea, the shits, nausea, chronic anxiety, insomnia – that’s just the beginning. Soon comes hallucinations and deliria, and unimaginable suffering. It all goes away if you take another pill, just one more. Then there’s methadone, a synthetic opiate, if you can get it. In most cities it’s easy, but not quite so in Charlottetown.

For @ 5 years my life revolves around Dilaudid and Oxycontone, percocil, morphine, codeine, etc. If I had money and pills were available, everything was fine. But I wasn’t always fine. I can’t count how many days I’ve lost to the sickness, how many times I’ve been to the treatment center. And a waste of time that was. They’d give you 2 or 3 mild sedatives a day for 3 days and then try to put you in god’s hands. It didn’t work – after the week, or 2, or 3, was over, I could suffer no longer. Straight to the dealer. It doesn’t help to tell me “everythings gonna be all right. You’ll feel better tomorrow”. Anybody who says / tells you that doesn’t know what this drug is about (why I take it).

But I had always heard about the mainland, where they gave you this drug, methadone, that took away the suffering and made you feel normal, not high, just normal, like I used to be … yeah, like it used to be, I miss those days.

I did the drugs for 5 or 6 years, but and I sat by and watched, as friends and acquaintances died one after another, month by month, because they couldn’t get the help they needed. I’m sure the doctor (at Detox) noticed too, but it didn’t matter [since] we are / they were expendable. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t handle the sickness. The detox couldn’t help. They didn’t have a clue. They would have nothing to do with methadone (methadone is addictive. You have to take it every dad or you get sick just like with the drugs, but it’s prescribed to you, you can have ready access to it. You never have to be sick again, you don’t get high on it, but you can live an ordinary life, like anyone else.

Finally, I scraped up some money, packed up my bags, and left for Alberta. All I had was a change of clothes, $500,and enough pills to last me 3 days, it was a gamble, nothing was lined up / set up - I was on my own.

But it worked out. Before 48 hours were up, I was in a doctor’s office getting a prescription for methadone. It was such a relief, such a good feeling. No more days spent looking for drug dealers, no more searching for a private place to inject my drugs, and no more waking up sick – I was human again. I got a job, an apartment, a car, and a normal life.

But I always wanted to come home again. I have children in PEI. What good am I to them if I am 3000 miles away? A few years went by, and I became used to feeling normal again and not needing drugs. I had seen on the internet that PEI was starting a methadone program. This year I came home. It was great. I missed PEI. I could see my kids, my family, my friends every day and I wasn’t sick all the time like I used to be. It was different now. Better. It seemed too good to be true.

It was. Sure I could get methadone now and I felt good … physically – but mentally? When I go to the pharmacy, I don’t go to the counter like anybody else, I go around the back, into the office, where no one can see me. I don’t feel different, but I am. The pharmacists are ashamed of me, or ashamed for me. Does it make a difference? I began to understand / grasp what life must be like for a black person, or these days, an arab, from their perspective. I don’t like it.

And things have changed at the treatment centre. They now have a methadone program – but they still don’t understand – they don’t get it. I came / went there with a perfect record from my doctor in Alberta. I gave urine tests every month, and never once did I fail only once in 4 years. I thought I had proven myself but no. It starts slowly, but within 3 months, for some reason, I realize that I am not like other people. I’m a drug addict, a junkie. I don’t feel like one now, but at the Detox, it is clear that is how they see me. I am a liar, a cheat, a thief, a dirtbag, scum of the earth. I know I’m clean and sober, with the help of methadone, but that doesn’t seem to matter – I’m a liar, a cheat, a thief. I must be if I’m on methadone. In PEI, it seems that only thieves, cheats and liars use methadone. In the rest of Canada, there are factory workers, plumbers and carpenters on meth[adone], as well as lawyers, and even doctors taking methadone!

But, my god, it is different here. I hate myself for having to do this. It didn’t bother me in Alberta, there I was treated like anyone else, but here, no. I’m walking on eggshells every time I go to the pharmacy, or the doctor, especially the doctor, I don’t know what to expect. On one day, I was asked twice for urine tests. Apparently, they thought that as soon as I gave the first sample, I was going to go and get some drugs. I live in constant suspicion and fear, even though I have done no wrong. Its just that I didn’t realize I was a cheat, a liar and a thief and as such I must be closely monitored. I am not on drugs, but they think I am. All drug users, past or present, are liars, cheats and thieves – that’s just how it is in PEI. They’re going to get me, to catch me, it doesn’t matter that I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s who I am I’m a thief, a liar and a cheat…

Acceptance

I wish I had more time to write. I love this blog and all the people that share. I have been busy with life on life's terms and sometimes that is almost to much. But we all now we never get more than we can handle.

I have two sponsee's at the moment and they are both retreads. That has been filling much of my time. Working steps with people that already think to much but haven't found the key to unlocking the door to continuous clean time takes more. No pink clouds, and no first time wonderment. Just alot of hard work. I've been there but I can't just tell them how to do it. Personal discovery is so important.

I hope this sweet seed of recovery continues to exist. Sometimes blogs have slow moments and then they rekindle. I always enjoy coming here and relaxing. But whatever is meant to be will be. I guess that would be acceptance.

Passing the torch...

It seems that our little blog is barely limping along, no posts now in way too long, post are becoming farer and fewer in between. I'm not sure what happened. But I would like to pass the torch of moderator along to another. Perhaps someone who is better suited, strong in recovery, to breath new life into what is really an amazing place. The truth is, I just don't have the desire, the ability, or the experience to flag this ship. I was hoping to find a volunteer(s), who would like to become moderator(s). This really entails very little time, or perhaps you would like to give the blog a make over, or have ideas on how to breathe life back into this old horse.

If anyone other than MICKY is interested (lol), let me know.

Thanks,

Eric