Friday, January 11, 2008

Let's Give The Write Thought Welcome Too...

As senior members of The Write Thought know, the site has gone through a lull. I don't think there is any real reason why other than we are people with lives, we are busy, and we can't always post on our own sites and also this community site.

That's why it makes me smile to recognize a little bit of a pick up on the site. Over the past few months we have added some new writers who are able to give some fresh perspectives.

I wanted to take a moment and introduce these new writers (many of whom have already posted to the site so I'm a little behind the times). So I'll give you their names (In no particular order) and their individual blogs. It would be nice if we could all get to know each other a little better and a big part of that would be to check out their personal blogs.

More than likely we have happened upon each other's blogs already. But in the off chance that we have not...check `em out. That goes for the newer members too. Peruse the list of personal blogs for all of the writers associated with this site. You may find someone that you can really identify with.

Who Am I

I am a mother who has raised three sons in which one fell into the pits of hell called the "Drug World". I have enabled, protected, covered up, then detached and learned to let go. Through his battle, I never gave up the hope, that one day he would beat this thing. I had to learn how to love without enabling, listen without judging, care without protecting and to this day, I continue to do all these things with the help of God and my program known as Al-Anon.

It has been an incredible road to self discovery as I learned to use all the tools available to me. It is the reason why I started the website It is the reason why I went to Al-Anon. It is the reason why I went back to college for a degree in Behavioral Health & Counseling. It is the reason why I am who I am today, a person whom I actually like.

When my son first started on that road called "Addiction", I did everything in my power to keep it a "Secret" for fear that my family would be viewed by others as being "Less Than".

You see, I had this problem called "Perfection" where I wanted to present to the outside world that my little family was that perfect Norman Rockwell family where everything was good and pure and oh so perfect. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my family, therefore my world was not so perfect. Imagine my surprise when after years of covering and hiding his addiction, that I discovered there were those out there who did not judge as well as those out there who could not judge enough.

My son is an opiate addict. He started down this road when he was 16 years old with percocet prescribed to him following major back surgery. What I did not know was after his prescription ran out, he started to purchase it out on the street. By the time he was 18 years old, he switched to Oxycontin then while in rehab, he met a cute little petite thing who introduced him to heroin. His life went from bad to worse overnight.

For those of you who know anyone with a heroin addiction, you know what that life entails so I won't go into all the little details just yet. Just know, I have seen my son in and out of detox programs, rehab facilities, intensive outpatient programs and various recovery houses to his present day methadone maintenance.

The last three years have been especially difficult. If you want to read about this journey, you can start at the beginning at my blog

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

My limited understanding...

I am struggling with my daughter's addiction to heroin, and I am past trying to understand why she started using in the first place... The big question now is why can't she stop? Why won't she go to rehab? Why does she insist on trying to do it herself, go through a painful withdrawal, only to start using again...

I'm a smoker, and I have been "planning" to quit for quite a while now - I started smoking when I was 12 years old, to be "cool." I've quit before, but never more than a few weeks, and each time I started up again, it was harder to quit. My identical twin sister had half of a lung removed last January - lung cancer - even though she had not smoked for 6 months. That really hit home for me... And still, I smoke.

I know all of the reasons for quitting, and I actually believe that I CAN quit, now. I have a nicitrol inhaler, I have nicorette gum, I have an Rx for Chantix... I want to live to a ripe old age without being unable to breathe. So, my main hold up is... I really like to smoke.

I'm wondering if my addiction to nicotine is similar to my daughter's addiction to heroin in this small way? I have all of the tools, support and medical understanding - to kick NICOTINE... But. But. But, it's not really that easy - even with a different method of receiving the drug, it's the habit that's hard to quit, else it would be as easy as slapping a patch on my arm and going on my merry way.

I'm nervous about quitting smoking - I keep putting it off - It's a big part of who I am. It's a comfort. She's nervous about quitting heroin, maybe, for the same reasons? How do I reach her?

I really need to quit smoking - set a date and DO IT. That won't impress her, but I will gain so much more in quitting than the isolating comfort I get from smoking my cigarettes. Wish me luck.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

More than just counting the notches on the bed post . . .

Yes. I'm talking about sex inventory. I've been procrastinating on that final part of my 4th step and I am sure the reason is something more than that I am lazy. God gives us what we need when we need it, right? So it must be time. When I went to bed a couple of nights ago the parade of men that have waltzed, raced, smashed their way through my life suddenly took and held my thoughts for hours. I've been having trouble remembering things recently, things like what time I have to go to work, but that night I remembered the name of the man I lost my virginity to. "Lost" is really the wrong word. Killed and buried in the night without remorse is more accurate.

Then came the one I loved and, I believe, the only one who loved me; the one year summit of my success at relationships. That bitter-sweet memory was quickly followed with my 21 year history of mistakes of varying magnitude; the one who liked to beat me up, the one I used for his money, the woman I married, and the years and years spent one month here, two months there; wrestling with men who never quite fit. Finally, perhaps most importantly, the IFX. I never knew that I could hurt that bad. I never knew that, to me, love feels like loneliness, loss, abuse and a warm body. His disappearance on my birthday was the turning point for me. That pain and that prayer delivered me to the place where God gave me my first step.

I've found my pen. I've got out my Big Book and notebook. And now I'm going to balk over the whole thing for another few hours while I go see a movie. Because I'm a spiritual giant. Not. I haven't picked it up because I'm afraid and ashamed and I lack faith that God will lead me to better things. There. I said it. But I believe with my whole heart that God has a plan, a purpose and a destiny for me to grow, however haltingly, in His own likeness and image and that means doing the work. So I'll do the work. I'll let you know how it turns out.