I am not sure what to say, or what to write. All I know is that I want to write, I need to write, even though nothing is making any sense at all, my words are mixed up, my thoughts are not even sentences, so please forgive me. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to physically hurt someone. I want to go and get a nice bag, snort my brains out, and go numb. I want to go and get some wonderful pills, pop a bunch and just forget that I am alive. (NO RED FLAGS. I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING. just being honest about how I feel) I want to do anything to stop this sickness inside of me. I want this horrible feeling to go away. I cant even describe it. It is like my entire body, inside and out has razor burn. Even when the wind hits any part of my skin, it hurts, it burns constantly. My heart is hurting unlike it has ever hurt before. Shit, everything hurts in me now. I am sick. I can't eat, can't barely sleep, I don't want to do anything at all. I hate getting up in the morning, I hate getting ready for work (i barely do that even, everyone there is so politely pointing out the fact that I have looked like shit all week). I don't want to cook, clean, or do anything with the kids. My poor Noel has been doing Nick's homework with him all week. I don't want to exist right now. I want to hide, to run away. So far away from here, and find a safe place to go, so i can just totally melt down. I have never been a weak woman. I don't cry really. I don't fall apart. I don't think about choices in life, I simply do what I have to do to survive. I have never depended on anyone, but myself. Especially since Joe has been in prison. I have been doing things all by myself. No one financially helps me, mentally helps me, emotionally helps me, or spiritually helps me. I get no support from my family. I get conditional assistance with the kids once in a while, with constant reminding of it. And now, things are just falling apart, and all I want to do is find someone to run too, someone to just take care of me and my kids, I just want to climb into a bed, and stay there for about 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years knowing my kids are taken care of. I am drowning and I am searching for a life jacket, because I am just to tired to continue treading these damn waters. So quickly things fell apart. It took me so long to get all that I have, which is not much, but to us, it is the world. I have always focused on the love my family has, how lucky we are to have that. Now, I am just losing everything around me. I don't know how this happened to us, and the thing that is killing me, is that with my kids and me, it is all my fault. I feel like with Joe, it is my fault also. Like, he is going to someone else, because I am failing him as a wife. I am not providing for him the way I should. I should be working two jobs like I used too. I have a family to provide for. And I am failing at it. I am drowning, and taking my kids with me. I just can't stop this, I am trying, but I feel like the fight has left me. I just want to quit now, just give up. I have never wanted anyone to do anything for me, hell, I never let Joe do anything for me. That is just how I am built, and now, this whole mess with him, it feels like it has just broken me. Another woman. God. After all he has put my family through, another fucking woman. Unreal. In prison, another woman. I just can't get over this. I keep reading that letter, over and over again. Throwing up, and reading it again. Crying, putting it down, washing my face, then picking it up again. Why would he hurt me like this? I have tried to be a good wife to him, since the day we met, he knew he was loved every single fucking day. He knew his wife was here, caring about him, devoting herself to him. Yet, there he went, ANOTHER WOMAN. Not to mention the entire parole thing. I wonder, what did he tell her? Would this continue once he is out? Would he sneak around with her, calling her, seeing her?? Then have the nerve to come up in my bed at night?? Oh God, WHY WONT THIS JUST STOP!!! I want to shut my mind off, shut my heart down. I want to sleep. No- I want to eat a real meal, keep it down, take a hot shower, and sleep. Sleep for days and days. Preferably in someones arms, and at this point, I don't want Joe's arms. I just want that safe feeling to come back to me. I feel like a small child, lost, wandering around.
I need to thank all of you. Letting me go on like this, not making an ounce of sense. I needed to get that out, and probably will need to do it again. You are all so great, trying to help me through this, someone you don't even know. That is amazing, and I really do appreciate it. I am grateful to have all of you in my corner. Sorry for this long post. But thanks for listening.