Saturday, August 4, 2007

The Relapse Days of Summer

This is a cross post from my site, but I feel the content is timely and appropriate for this site.

Everyone knows about how dangerous the holidays can be for alcoholics and addicts. Time off, stressful family situations and just the plain availability of alcohol and drugs during the months of December and January can often play a role in relapse. Sometimes I think the warnings you here ad nauseum from the recovery community and even the public at large have half us “expecting” a relapse! But you don’t here much about the hundred days of summer that start with the Memorial Day weekend and end with Labor Day weekend.

Speaking with others active in the recovery community including the director of a methadone clinic and an AA eternal we came up with some observations for this time of year. Meeting attendance, treatment retention, and new members for both groups tend to be low in the summer months. People usually have more time on their hands during the summer and for addicts and alcoholics this is not always a good thing. Especially dangerous for alcoholics; the summer sun, fun, and vacation activities of our society are traditionally intertwined with alcohol beverage consumption.

So if the heat has got you down in the dumps go find an air conditioned meeting. If you are out on vacation, take a chance and meet a new recovery group. If you have too much time on your hands… well you can come and mow my grass!

But seriously, keep the summer fun and your recovery strong.

The Discovering Alcoholic

Friday, August 3, 2007

In response to JW song post

"Breathing from a hole in my lungI had no oneBut faces in front of meRacing through the void in my headTo find traces of a good luck academySparks ignite and trade them for thoughtAbout no oneAnd nothing in particularWashed the sickened socket and droveResent nothingThere's good will inside of meWake me up lower the feverWalking in a straight lineSet me on fire in the eveningEverything will be fineWaking up strong in the morningWalking in a straight lineLately I'm a desperate believerBut walking in a straight lineSomething I will never forgetI felt desperateAnd stuck to the marrow Invisible to everyone elseI'm a sex changeAnd a damsel with no heroineWake me up lower the feverWalking in a straight lineSet me on fire in the eveningEverything will be fineWaking up strong in the morningWalking in a straight lineLately I'm a desperate believerBut walking in a straight lineI don't need no time to sayThere's no changing yesterdayIf we keep talking andI keep walking in straight linesWake me up lower the feverWalking in a straight lineSet me on fire in the eveningEverything will be fineWaking up strong in the morningWalking in a straight lineLately I'm a desperate believerBut walking in a straight line"
straight line "Silver Chair"
you need to D/L this song.. do it...

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Heroin Crisis 2007 Mix Tape.

Hey codies. I bet every single one of you has a list of songs like this one. Let's share our embarassing drug crisis song lists!

Here's's important to listen in just this order:

"How To Be Dead" Snow Patrol
"Speeding Cars" Imogen Heap
"Misty Blue" Dorothy Moore
"Wasted" Brandi Carlile
"Fix You" Coldplay
"Bag Lady" Erykah Badu
"Complicated" Robin Thicke
"Goodbye My Lover" James Blunt
"Irreplacable" Beyonce
"Total Eclipse Of The Heart" Bonnie Tyler
"I Will Survive" Diana Ross
"The Luckiest" Ben Folds Five
"Jesse" Carol King
"White Flag" Dido
"Oh Sailor" Fiona Apple
"Hallelujah" Jeff Buckley
"Chariots Rise" Lizzie West
"Be Without You" Mary J. Blige
"At This Point In My Life" Tracy Chapman

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Dealing with his screw-ups

I know I already wrote about debt. But I wrote something in my own blog about how I am the one who does everything. I wrote how I am the one who searches for loans and who pays the bills on time, and putting as much money as possible into each one.

And what does he do? Nothing.

I applied for two loans this week. Our credit card debt is not astronomical - it is probably normal. But to me, it is huge. To us, it is huge. We struggle to pay the minimum payments because the interest rates are massive and the minimum is simply only the interest anyways!

I found out today that we were denied both loans due to "delinquent past or present obligations with others." It infuriates me! That is the EXACT reason we need a loan! So we can pay a reasonable amount at a time, without falling behind in the process! I get so angry, and so frustrated, because he is the reason we are in this mess. And when I call him and tell him we were declined AGAIN he says "That sucks." And "We'll start making payments and when we catch up and our not delinquent, we will reapply."

Well by that time, we might as well keep making payments and building our credit! And that new car I need soon? That will not happen at all.

I am so angry about this because I did nothing to cause this to happen. I worked so hard at maintaining my credit; I prided myself in paying it off. And now I am deep in trouble because I married a crack addict.

I feel like I am the only responsible one and the only one who cares. I am the only one applying for all this crap and trying to do something about it.

"Amy" on my personal blog wrote some very insightful things which I agreed with. He doesn't appreciate it because it's normal.

I have to get back to work, but I guess we will continue to struggle without help because of his past.

The Write Thought: The lost warrior...

Follow up to "The lost warrior..."

Thanks for the comments, but let's make not mistake, I am not looking to stroke my ego, I am looking to build a healthy appetite and ego with balance. Let me tell you, what you see today is progress, and progress at a very slow rate. But I am tired of crawling along, tired of the pity parties that no one comes to. I think this just comes from a place of a. having experience in recovery, and b. having had just enough clean time where my brain is starting to function, and my heart is starting to send signals back to my brain only instead of a head full of heroin saying, "oh no, you don't belong here!" I am starting to make that connection between my thoughts and my feelings.

I still feel slightly numb. The best way to describe it is to think of when your leg falls asleep, when its dead asleep that is the active addict stage for me, then the pins and needles where it hurts like hell, that is my getting clean stage, and then when the pain starts to subside, and feeling creeps back in, but its still kinda numb, that’s where I am at now, my beginning recovery stage. But it's enough for me right now to look and decide that I am tired of the way things have been, that I have the power, yes I used the word power, lets not argue about it, I am powerless over the one area of my life, my addiction, but I am not powerless over my actions or reactions regarding other areas of my life.

And if I want to beat on my chest and chant "HOOHA" (ha, who gets that?) I damn well will. This comes from a place as an addict beginning his recovery, and as a man, who desires to be a MAN, and regardless of being an addict, I believe that most men have lost what the sense of being a man is, I think it's just worse for the addict. But I am also speaking to the women, all women, but most of all to our woman. I am sure as a child you're dreams were to be rescued by a gallant prince, the night in shining armor, or a sweat and blood dripping warrior, not what we gave you; a pathetic shell of a man, spoon in one hand, needle in the other, muttering how much we love you, and "no honey, I am not using, why do you ask?"

You deserve more as women, and you deserve more as the women who loves an addict. Sure you can use the words like codependent, and other psychological terms to describe why a woman would decide or desire to stay with an addict, and yes, I will give in to that; to say in SOME cases, there are women who are simply codependent, that in such cases, the woman doesn't know how to live any other way. Does this make her weak, or does this make her any less of a woman, does it make her love any less real, not in my eyes. It also means that there is room for growth, room for this particular woman to become independent and make a decision whether or not she wants to be with her man, and base that decision on what is best for her.

There is nothing wrong with holding hope that someday your man will get better. Those in the program will tell you that every one of us can recover. There are no percentages, no statistics; it says right in the book that each of us addicts can recover. That doesn't mean it happens miraculously, or over night. It requires absolute honesty, it requires a lot of very hard work and honest self examination For some it's a VERY slow process, for others, they may move at a quicker pace, but the thing to remember, the thing I find hope in is the fact that we (us addicts), all of us can recover.

But as I was saying, this is not the case in every relationship, where the woman is simply a codependent and the man is simply an addict. It is unfair to the women to be automatically labeled as being a codependent because she loves her sick addicted man, and she stands by him, and supports him with love and encouragement. I have been privy to see the innermost feelings and thoughts of women regarding their relationships and without naming names or making comparisons, in my eyes not all of you are codependents, you simply love a sick man. To me there is nothing wrong with this; to me it is both noble and assuring that women like you still exist in this world. And as JW says so well over and over, as long as you protect yourself, set your boundaries with your addict, and continue to work on yourself, then love your man, without shame, without guilt, love him like you use to, like you want to. Loving a sick man does not make you a codependent; you can be independent and love a sick man. I don't care what others say, because the great thing about MY words, are they are just that, mine, this is my opinion. Take it or leave it.

Why cant they just be supportive..

Just once i wish someone would back me up and be supportive.. i guess its hard when they no all the f'kd up shit "F" has done to me and to my family. But i love him.. and i know that wasnt the real "F" doing that ...that was the "F" on the drugs. and i know that if he got help and wanted this he could change and leave this mess behind him. No on understands though they dont wanna hear it they just call me dumb and stupid and naive and anything else you can think of. I cant even tell them if i am with him cuz they will just complain about it. I have to lie about it.. and i HATE lieing.. (thats a whole nother blog.) I dont no what to do.. and there is so much more going on in my head.. i just dont no anymore.. ARE they right.? should i just leave him? Is it worth the pain and suffering right now to stay with him only to see if he will change? I know this is going to be a part of him forever and even if he does get clean for 10 years there is still a chance of him screwing up again... do i want to deal with that? do i want this for the rest of my life? I just want a normal life so bad.. i want to be able to do normal things btu i cant i live a double life and its not me... and no one understands..i dont even lost... and i dont even have my friends to talk to about it cuz they just put me down..and its embarassing....

Growing Separately, Growing Together

I think what I'm seeking most in my recovery is balance. Things are going well at the moment for my addict and me. I'm almost afraid to write that, because I know that this is a relapse disease, but we got through a major hurdle together this weekend and she's invited me to see her get her 60 day chip on Thursday. We're both in a growth spurt at the moment, and I'm getting, at least for today, that we each have to be growing separately to grow together.

I used to get frustrated because I felt like I was working harder than my addict on recovery. I told her that when she's ok, we're ok, but I'm coming to believe that that's really not the truth. (See my post on my truth about lying.)

About a month ago, she got really serious about recovery. She got a sponsor, agreed to do 90 in 90, and started getting really active in the recovery world. I found myself with new and surprising resentments. After begging and pleading with her to go to at least 3 meetings a week, I found myself resentful when she agreed to do 90 in 90 for her sponsor, when she wouldn't do it for me. After what felt like forever of her isolating and me begging her to go to social functions with me, I found another resentment when she started going out with her newfound NA friends. Again, I was thinking, she wouldn't do this for me, but she'll do it for them. She was getting healthier and I was getting healthier, but I found myself having great sadness that we were getting healthier separately rather than together. I was also struggling with fear of abandonment, as she continued to develop a social network that didn't include me. (Can anybody tell I've been working hard on my 4th step????)

Our therapist told me that we were enmeshed (no shit!!) and that we needed to grow separately in order to come back together as two adults. That was the reframing I needed to let go of some of my fear and resentments and start trusting that where we were was a necessary part of getting where we want to go.

Well, for today, things are really good between us. We got through this last crisis with both of us being honest about all of our feelings, including my neediness and her urge to use. I know that tomorrow could bring relapse for either or more likely both of us. But today is a good day.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

For Mantra

So I have been thinking after reading your post this morning and feeling how much you are hurting...I can feel it at just the exact pitch and with the precise ache in the gut and the juxtaposition of rage and terror and disappointment all wrapped up...

One thing I've realized lately, though, is that no matter what I decide to do, I've got to take care of me. And I have to make the right decisions for me, regardless of what is right or wrong or what I think I deserve or whatever...I'm mostly thinking of all those posts that are about how we deserve better.

We do deserve better. We do. But if you want to be with your husband, and if you choose him, I don't think you should be sorry. If you love him, and he is a father to your children, and you want to be with him even though he is very sick, that is a choice that you can make without feeling shame. It took me a while to be able to accept that for myself...that I'm constructing the narrative for my life, and nobody can intervene in my story. If I choose my husband, even in active addiction, that's my choice, and I'll do it if it's right for me.

That said, I'm also absolutely committed to making sure that my needs are met and that I am safe. My money, my things, my sanity--it's important to me to protect those things. If I want some goddamned hardwood floors and my husband isn't able to help me buy them, then, I'll buy them for my goddamned self. That will mean that I can't loan him money, and that's not my problem. If he sulks about it, that's his bucket. Whatever I want or need, I can provide for myself...emotionally or physically or spiritually. As long as I look at my time with my husband as a gift and enjoy the best of it and look within to find everything else I need, we can be married and succeed.

I don't know. I'm doing the codie thing where I imagine that I'm wise and that I have a solution because I just know all too well how much you're hurting, and I hope you aren't beating yourself up for staying. If you don't want to leave, that's your life and your decision, and you're not stupid for it.
Please take care of yourself, and let me know if there's anything I can do for you.You can always come over!

The lost warrior...

I was happy when my copy of the movie "300" arrived at my work today. I ordered the Blu-Ray version of the dvd to play on my 50" flat screen monitor with all the glory of 1200 watts of 7.1 surround sound. I am a man, I beat my chest and let out a mighty warrior call that my ancestors would be proud of. Of course I saw the movie once before, on the big screen in all of it's blood thirsty glory. But now the comic I cherished, which became the movie I worshiped, now belonged to me in its spectacular 1080p of high definition clarity. The walls rumbled, as the first battle scene rocked the sub-woofer, and in that moment I knew my true self, and...felt such sadness at what I have been reduced to as a man.

Sounds silly I know. But it's not. It's sad that the definition of a man is determined by the car he drives, or his home stereo system owns, or the money he makes. Say it's not true, tell me that only some judge men this way, by the number of women he sleeps with, by how good he looks? Yes I know I am reaching to the far end of the spectrum, but the point I am trying to make is that as a man I have lost my warrior heart. I have lost the sense of conquering, my sense of adventure, and most of all the desire to save the damsel in distress.

As a boy I had little boy dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. What happened to those dreams as I grew into a man? I am not sure where those dreams have gone, but I can tell you that without them I am simply bored. So the question is how to recover the masculine heart, the secret ti my soul where I am a MAN, where I can delight in my own strength and wildness.

Where is that spirit of the Spartan Warrior? Who was bred from the age of 7 to become a Warrior, to become a true man; taught that there was no greater honor or sacrifice than to die in battle for the State of Sparta. Where the woman too have the warrior heart, after all it is Spartan woman who give birth to Spartan men. Where love is simple, and the passion is overabundant. Men loved as they fought, and loved to fight.

I want that passion, I ache for the sense of adventure, for the dreams of my youth; to explore and conquer, to battle and win, then come home to my wife and make love to her like there is no tomorrow. But I fear that like the rest of the men of the world, and even more so a weak addict, that I have become a pussy. Especially as an addict, where not only do we feel weak but we are looked upon and told we are weak; weak minded and weak willed.

But that is not the case, not for this man, this man is strong, this man is all man, all heart, and all soul. This man is awakening from his slumber, for I have been sleep walking for way too long. The world is soon mine for the taking, and take I will, conquer I will. First the fear, then recovery; I will fight, and I will rage, and I will never ever say die, and when that sweet taste of victory begins to drip from my brow, and I taste the salty sweat of my achievements, I will find my lady, and remind her of what it is like to be a woman. Something that she nor I will ever forget.

Shagged Either Way

I am going to make a meeting tomorrow. I am going to help pay the rent. I will do my fair share around here. That’s not mine! I love you, but just not enough to carry through with anything that I have just said. When it comes to gullible, codependents have got this category wrapped up hands down. Now before you get all defensive, remember that I have the unfortunate pleasure (?) of being cast in this great movie called Life in both the role of an alcoholic and codependent. It’s kind of like being Austin Powers and Dr. Evil, but getting shagged by both sides.

It seems strange that people like me and others who have been tempered by the repeated lies and shenanigans of our beloved yet diseased counterparts would be so easily fooled, especially with my PhD in evil! I guess if you want something bad enough, if you long for more than anything else that this time will be different, in the end you will allow yourself that inkling of hope that things will work out. Hope is not a bad thing, but being unrealistic doesn’t help anything either. Sometimes it’s not so much that we really believe the lies, it’s more that we just don’t know what else to do or have the courage even to do it.

Even armed with this knowledge and experience, there are never easy answers when dealing with addictions. Paradoxically, a loving and caring environment just worsens the situation. What am I trying to get at? I guess that when it comes do alcoholics and addicts you need to accept the fact that as a loved one you will be repeatedly “shagged”. Without a strong program they are capable of little else, but hang tough, because unfortunately you will be the only one capable of hope.

The Discovering Alcoholic

The Lockout.

Hi guys. If you read my regular blog and you'd like "in," shoot me an email at, and I'll put you on the list. I hated to shut 'er down, but I'm not willing to compromise my man's anonymity.

Monday, July 30, 2007

New to the group

I stumbled upon the blog while doing a search for heroin addiction. I just wanted to thank everyone for writing. Some of the things i read were unbelievable i couldn't believe there was actually someone out there feeling the same way as me...doing the same things as me. Things he called me crazy for and i began to think he was right. I think writing a blog could be a good thing for me, it'll give me a chance to get some things out and possible feedback from people in my shoes or similar ones. i posted a link to my personal blog where it said link. not sure if thats wut its for if not here it is again.
I look forward to talking with everyone!

Buy Yourself A Present.

Hey Codies.

I just wanted to say that you should do something luxurious for yourself. Do it now. I am so fucking excited about my new floors that I want to crap bubblegum.

Go buy yourself something, even if it's something stupid. Don't tell Mr. or Mrs. Addict that you're doing it. Just do it, thoughtlessly and selfishly.

It's awesome.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Bird In A Guilted Cage

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

—Erma Bombeck

Guilt is the central issue recovering addicts have to face once the physical aspect of our addiction is put in order (At least to the best that it can be. Many have huge obstacles in that regard.). There are two types of guilt as near as I can understand. The built-in one that results from all the wrong choices we have made in regards to our own well being and happiness; the kind of guilt that fuels self regret. And then there are the choices we have made that have ancillary effects on those around us, those we care deeply about to the extent that we can; the kind of guilt born out of external resentment. It is the guilt that weights the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The kind of guilt one succumbs to because it is ongoing and unbearable. It’s the “fuck you! guilt. Burns bridges. Eats us alive. Takes us down. And it’s not our fault because it’s from someone else’s pain. Easy out courtesy of the wronged.

When I was suffering under the weight of my own use, I cannot tell you how many times I felt wronged by people who were in the throws of their own addiction. That was a consideration I failed to make though I never failed to wonder why they could not see the pain that my addiction was causing me. If only they would see how much I hurt, I would feel less pain. If only.

I think that may be the way out ,though. When we begin to feel our own pain again then we begin to see the pain of others. Ouch! And ouch again. Will it last forever? Why bother? Why me? Why not use again? Felled by whys. And yet, what can one do? Guilt has so many points of contact that it cannot be avoided. The fall back position is pity and that really does not work either. If I make pity my personal currency I am only damning myself to a life of misery. I’ll need some drugs for that.

But one question seldom thought through are the “What ifs?" What if I had; What if I had not? How about what if I do? Can’t do that in the past. I can only do that now. And that would be the point.

We have to focus on what we want now and what we want tomorrow. And we are not going to get that by focusing on the past. Yesterday is gone. Even if it was good you can’t get it back. Why would you want to dwell on that? Why not dwell on the possibilities. If we are are expecting repayment for all our pain and suffering then we should all just use drugs, get addicted and pull all the same crazy shit on those who wronged us. That’s repayment in kind. It's also not the way to happy land; it's the way out.

Forget about the sad past and have a happy tomorrow. Why the hell not?