Follow up to "The lost warrior..."
Thanks for the comments, but let's make not mistake, I am not looking to stroke my ego, I am looking to build a healthy appetite and ego with balance. Let me tell you, what you see today is progress, and progress at a very slow rate. But I am tired of crawling along, tired of the pity parties that no one comes to. I think this just comes from a place of a. having experience in recovery, and b. having had just enough clean time where my brain is starting to function, and my heart is starting to send signals back to my brain only instead of a head full of heroin saying, "oh no, you don't belong here!" I am starting to make that connection between my thoughts and my feelings.
I still feel slightly numb. The best way to describe it is to think of when your leg falls asleep, when its dead asleep that is the active addict stage for me, then the pins and needles where it hurts like hell, that is my getting clean stage, and then when the pain starts to subside, and feeling creeps back in, but its still kinda numb, that’s where I am at now, my beginning recovery stage. But it's enough for me right now to look and decide that I am tired of the way things have been, that I have the power, yes I used the word power, lets not argue about it, I am powerless over the one area of my life, my addiction, but I am not powerless over my actions or reactions regarding other areas of my life.
And if I want to beat on my chest and chant "HOOHA" (ha, who gets that?) I damn well will. This comes from a place as an addict beginning his recovery, and as a man, who desires to be a MAN, and regardless of being an addict, I believe that most men have lost what the sense of being a man is, I think it's just worse for the addict. But I am also speaking to the women, all women, but most of all to our woman. I am sure as a child you're dreams were to be rescued by a gallant prince, the night in shining armor, or a sweat and blood dripping warrior, not what we gave you; a pathetic shell of a man, spoon in one hand, needle in the other, muttering how much we love you, and "no honey, I am not using, why do you ask?"
You deserve more as women, and you deserve more as the women who loves an addict. Sure you can use the words like codependent, and other psychological terms to describe why a woman would decide or desire to stay with an addict, and yes, I will give in to that; to say in SOME cases, there are women who are simply codependent, that in such cases, the woman doesn't know how to live any other way. Does this make her weak, or does this make her any less of a woman, does it make her love any less real, not in my eyes. It also means that there is room for growth, room for this particular woman to become independent and make a decision whether or not she wants to be with her man, and base that decision on what is best for her.
There is nothing wrong with holding hope that someday your man will get better. Those in the program will tell you that every one of us can recover. There are no percentages, no statistics; it says right in the book that each of us addicts can recover. That doesn't mean it happens miraculously, or over night. It requires absolute honesty, it requires a lot of very hard work and honest self examination For some it's a VERY slow process, for others, they may move at a quicker pace, but the thing to remember, the thing I find hope in is the fact that we (us addicts), all of us can recover.
But as I was saying, this is not the case in every relationship, where the woman is simply a codependent and the man is simply an addict. It is unfair to the women to be automatically labeled as being a codependent because she loves her sick addicted man, and she stands by him, and supports him with love and encouragement. I have been privy to see the innermost feelings and thoughts of women regarding their relationships and without naming names or making comparisons, in my eyes not all of you are codependents, you simply love a sick man. To me there is nothing wrong with this; to me it is both noble and assuring that women like you still exist in this world. And as JW says so well over and over, as long as you protect yourself, set your boundaries with your addict, and continue to work on yourself, then love your man, without shame, without guilt, love him like you use to, like you want to. Loving a sick man does not make you a codependent; you can be independent and love a sick man. I don't care what others say, because the great thing about MY words, are they are just that, mine, this is my opinion. Take it or leave it.
Everyone knows about how dangerous the holidays can be for alcoholics and addicts. Time off, stressful family situations and just the plain availability of alcohol and drugs during the months of December and January can often play a role in relapse. Sometimes I think the warnings you here ad nauseum from the recovery community and even the public at large have half us “expecting” a relapse! But you don’t here much about the hundred days of summer that start with the Memorial Day weekend and end with Labor Day weekend.
I am going to make a meeting tomorrow. I am going to help pay the rent. I will do my fair share around here. That’s not mine! I love you, but just not enough to carry through with anything that I have just said. When it comes to gullible, codependents have got this category wrapped up hands down. Now before you get all defensive, remember that I have the unfortunate pleasure (?) of being cast in this great movie called Life in both the role of an alcoholic and codependent. It’s kind of like being Austin Powers and Dr. Evil, but getting shagged by both sides.
