Bird In A Guilted Cage

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

—Erma Bombeck

Guilt is the central issue recovering addicts have to face once the physical aspect of our addiction is put in order (At least to the best that it can be. Many have huge obstacles in that regard.). There are two types of guilt as near as I can understand. The built-in one that results from all the wrong choices we have made in regards to our own well being and happiness; the kind of guilt that fuels self regret. And then there are the choices we have made that have ancillary effects on those around us, those we care deeply about to the extent that we can; the kind of guilt born out of external resentment. It is the guilt that weights the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The kind of guilt one succumbs to because it is ongoing and unbearable. It’s the “fuck you! guilt. Burns bridges. Eats us alive. Takes us down. And it’s not our fault because it’s from someone else’s pain. Easy out courtesy of the wronged.

When I was suffering under the weight of my own use, I cannot tell you how many times I felt wronged by people who were in the throws of their own addiction. That was a consideration I failed to make though I never failed to wonder why they could not see the pain that my addiction was causing me. If only they would see how much I hurt, I would feel less pain. If only.

I think that may be the way out ,though. When we begin to feel our own pain again then we begin to see the pain of others. Ouch! And ouch again. Will it last forever? Why bother? Why me? Why not use again? Felled by whys. And yet, what can one do? Guilt has so many points of contact that it cannot be avoided. The fall back position is pity and that really does not work either. If I make pity my personal currency I am only damning myself to a life of misery. I’ll need some drugs for that.

But one question seldom thought through are the “What ifs?" What if I had; What if I had not? How about what if I do? Can’t do that in the past. I can only do that now. And that would be the point.

We have to focus on what we want now and what we want tomorrow. And we are not going to get that by focusing on the past. Yesterday is gone. Even if it was good you can’t get it back. Why would you want to dwell on that? Why not dwell on the possibilities. If we are are expecting repayment for all our pain and suffering then we should all just use drugs, get addicted and pull all the same crazy shit on those who wronged us. That’s repayment in kind. It's also not the way to happy land; it's the way out.

Forget about the sad past and have a happy tomorrow. Why the hell not?