Saturday, February 9, 2008

Never let'em see ya...FEEL.

OK, so, when I was an adolescent, I somehow decided that if I did not let anyone know when I had a good feeling, ie happiness, then they would not be able to know to come and take the source of it away. Is this a common interpretation of events? I don't know. But I know that I became like the girl on the tv commercial , where the family is on vacation and the Mother's voice sounds like a jungle-safari guy, stalking an "elusive" animal...but the thing she's stalking is the girl's smile, and when the girl realizes that she's been spotted smiling, she races away, with Mom saying something like, "'s gone", at the end of the clip.
I did not allow myself to get excited or hopeful about things changing, knowing that experience had shown that it would not last. There's a big word for low-grade depression. I was told that I've probably had that for the majority of my life, or since I was about 7. But, today, I like to smile.
I might just have finally reached the place where I trust God enough to accept good things, w/o being so suspect of Him taking it back from me.
I don't know. But I'm going to keep on dreaming.