Sunday, August 17, 2008

CBC, Comin' atcha!

Hi, boys and grrls. Last night was my first official work shift at the place I am now working---and actually getting a decent amount of hours!---the "Behavioral Center", which is a residential place for children and adolescents with behavioral and mental challenges. Several are DD and CD (Dual and Chemically Dependant), and reading some of their charts after lights out was so very sobering.
I was on the Unit with the more severe young women, including ages 11 to almost 18, I think. I brought some of the Orientation pprwork here to work with me to study up. Overall, it went really smoothly, but the honeymoon won't last that long I'm SURE. It's easy to be more patient with them, keeping in mind that they are KIDS. It was interesting to observe the interactions between a very curvy and cute 11th grade girl and a younger (male)Tech. Couldn't really tell if there was a crush situation happening, but it is something to be extra careful about even appearing like it could be. One of teh Orientation movies was about a pt. cruching on a young male tech, and this was def not like THAT, but it's easy to see how it could happen, especially for the girls being cooped up with only each other's company, and the young guys; well, you know they're pretty much subject to their hormones, anyway, aren't they? lol
Seriously, the Tech was completely appropriate and there were no boundaries being ANY way crossed, but the girl obviously likes him a lot. Could have even been a sibling-ish thing, as there were not overtones at all, but I was just keeping an eye on them. Seems like a very nice girl, there to get mentally and emotionally stabilized to finish up High School, basically. Was talking to Tech boy about her not having any friends at school, and about younger boys there asking her if they could have a hug. (She is STACKED) I remember that "line" from the itty bitty boys when *I* was in High School! Was glad that she rolled her eyes at them and went on her way.
It seems like for the first part, anyway, I will get to kind of mentor the girls to a degree. I feel comfortable there, and really quite happy to FINALLY be in "my element"....and not just my ride. ;)

Oh, and just to keep you in the loop, Mr. Georgia showed his true reptilian colors the other day. I mourned the loss of the (imaginary, apparently) friendship and what could have been, and I'm moving on. Men. Can't live with'em, and can't shoot'em.
Oh, well, I'm beginning to think that while there might be just as FEW quality men online as there are pound-for-pound in TRW (the real world), I can just keep in mind that it's not something that I want to try to get emotionally involved in. I know we can all show our 'back-sides' on occasion. I was just so hoping that it would be a long term thing. Well, Alannis Morrissette said some good things, one of them being "you live, you learn"...

Sunday, July 20, 2008

A Different Kind Of Share

Though a rose is a rose is a rose, this is a different kind of share.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Here I am, on this fine July--not YET sweltering--day, in probably my favorite dress, ever, as best I can recall. My beautiful almost-8-year old son took this of me. I think he's got potential, don't you? We just got back home from dropping off Big brother at band practise, and soon it will be time to fetch him and return him to the church's "teens" summer camp. I SO appreciuate the effort the ppl are putting into the whole thing, even if it is only a couple of days. I guess I haven't quite "arrived" yet, b/c I caught myself thinking ugly thoughts about one of the women there helping to set up a tent last night. It didn't take long at all, for that Little Voice to remind me "At least SHE'S trying to help!" So, I suppose I'll "keep coming back".
There are so many unusual things going on in my little world at the moment, that I don't even know if I want to share much of any of them.I guess the least controversial thing I can tell you about, is that in just about 2 weeks, I'll be on my way south, kids in tow, of course, to visit with a dear friend from H.S. and her family for a couple of days.
OH! And to meet Mr. WOW (ALMOST too good to be true), who will be driving up from Georgia to meet at about the halfway point. I feel more like a giddy school girl, and am more aware of my body's resembling an old school MARM every day... Desperately ignoring the old tapes in my head that want me to be stupid and forget how hard I've been working to be able go it ALONE, relying on NO man to stay afloat. It would certainly be nice to have a partner in anti-crime ;) again, no doubt about it, but I'm really tickled to have gotten to be good friends at this juncture. Sure, him being a cutie-pie doesn't hurt anything, and I am quite sure that God has arranged for us to live around 600 miles apart, for our own good---mine, anyway. I don't know if he has the 'jump-first-look-later, MAYBE' tendencies that I've exhibited in the past, but I have been doing my best to keep in today, and just enjoy the getting to know each other phase.
I've come to rather enjoy not having another adult underfoot, and I'm absolutely going to have the highest...standards (Hm. Not expectations, but what is the word I'm looking for?), EVER. The boys have each spoken to him on the phone, and they can't help but notice that Mom's grinning and happier more than she has been in a looonnnngg time. He's beginning to be a tangible addition here, in some respects. I missed having a friend to talk to on a regular basis. Well, God is in charge. I've reminded him, as we feel our way down this long(-----UPDATE: apparently I mis-measured. Turned out to be very SHORT & darker than I'd realised!!-----) dark hallway, together, that if God's not in charge it will never be anything but bad, and that all he's gotta do is stay on his knees.
I find my heart in that same posture more regularly, now, too.
God, thank you for looking after all the little addicts, and all the ex-addicts, and all the ones who are brave enough to love us. Thank you for letting us hear from You often, when we sit down and get quiet for a little while. And thanks for irritating ladies from church who want to help, when the rest of us can't or won't. Please forgive me for being such a butthead.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Free "dating" Inventory---Great stuff for a laugh

The Maid of Honor

Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLM)

The Maid of Honor

Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor.

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.

Your exact female opposite:



Random Brutal Sex Dreamer

Always avoid: The False Messiah (DBLM), The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Vapor Trail (RBLM), The Bachelor (DGSM)

Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), someone just like you.

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - personals | Dating
My profile name: : abbiegrrl

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Enjoy the Silence

It has been a really long week but luckily for us, it has ended better than I could have ever imagined. Last Monday evening, Jim was viciously attacked by three strangers and stabbed multiple times. There were three major injuries: a punctured lung, a punctured liver and a deep stab wound in his neck although in total there were something like 45 stab wounds found on his upper body. Obviously, he was amazingly lucky. The following stories all appeared in our local paper. It was such an awful thing to have to witness. I have never seen such animal behaviour.

If you are interested, you can also check out a video report from our local news.

London police have charged three men in connection with the stabbing of a man at a Wonderland Road South apartment building, Monday (May 12).

The victim, a 41-year-old male, remains in a London hospital in critical but stable condition.

The ongoing police investigation has revealed the three suspects assaulted the victim when he went to Unit 608 to speak to the occupants about loud noise coming from the apartment, police said.

Tenants in the building have said the unit was a common source of noise and has been the object of complaints on several occasions. Reports have also suggested that the victim is one of two landlords, employees of InterRent Properties, who responded to the unit following complaints from neighbours.

Police said none of the suspects charged resided in the building.

Detectives from the London police Major Crime Section continue to investigate the stabbing.

Patrick Ferrera, 23, Leonardo Ferrera, 22, and Marol Angou, 20, all of London, have been charged with aggravated assault.

Three arrests in stabbing
Tue, May 13, 2008

Three persons have been arrested in relation to a stabbing at 951 Wonderland Rd., London city police said today.

A 41-year-old man was taken to hospital yesterday with life-threatening injuries by ambulance after police responded to a call at the apartment building near the Westmount mall at about 5:45 p.m.

No names have been released yet, but the major crime unit of London Police Services is questioning suspects today and continuing their investigation.

Man, 41, in hospital with life-threatening injuries
Tue, May 13, 2008

41-year-old man was taken to hospital with life-threatening injuries after an apparent stabbing in London's southwest end late yesterday.

The victim, whose name wasn't released, was taken by ambulance to London Health Science Centre's Victoria Hospital, paramedics said.

Three people were arrested, police said in a brief news release. No names were released, and there was no indication charges had been laid.

The incident took place at 951 Wonderland Rd. South, near the Westmount Shopping Centre, around 5:30 p.m. The area is home to many high-rise apartment buildings. One caller to The Free Press had earlier reported a large number of emergency vehicles, including police cars, gathered at the scene.

It's uncertain whether the injured man lived at the address where police found him."The investigation is unfolding rapidly," London police Staff Sgt. Tom Gaffney said last night.

It's Over


A man wielding a crowbar had police in Upper Bucks jumping early Monday morning.Joseph Raffensperger, 27, of Milford, was arrested around 4 a.m. for attempting to rob one convenience store and taking $165 from another, said Sgt. Edward C. Murphy of the state police barracks in Dublin.Quakertown police were called to the 7-Eleven on South West End Boulevard or Route 309 at about 3:40 a.m. where Raffensperger entered the store and brandished a crowbar. The clerk fended him off with a broomstick.“I feel bad for the clerk; it’s the second or third time he’s been held up,” said Murphy.After leaving the 7-Eleven, Raffensperger headed south on Route 309 in a red minivan, stopping at the Wawa at Tollgate Road and Route 309 in Richland. He again went in with the crowbar, this time getting $165 from the store, police said.While state police were responding first to assist Quakertown, then to Richland, where state police provide overnight protection, Perkasie police heard a description of the vehicle and spotted the red minivan and followed it.Raffensperger didn’t stop immediately when Perkasie police tried to pull him over. He lost control of the minivan on Main Street in Sellersville and when he tried to stop, he hit a shrub, jumped out of the minivan and started to run away, Murphy said.After a short chase, Perkasie police captured Raffensperger and turned him over to state police. Pennridge Regional police also assisted at the scene, Murphy said.Raffensperger was charged with several counts of robbery, simple assault, possessing instruments of crime, fleeing or attempting to elude a police officer and driving under suspension.He was arraigned at Quakertown district court before District Judge C. Robert Roth and taken to Bucks County Prison when he failed to post 10 percent of $250,000 bail.

I tried, I failed---at it all.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Shame in the World of Sex Addiction

What does one do with the shame?

Perhaps you left your sex addict. Perhaps you stayed. Perhaps you left and then returned for reasons that are only known to you. Perhaps you don't know what to do. Perhaps you are a sex addict. Or a co-addict. Love addict. Romance addict. Relationship addict. Perhaps it's all of these. Perhaps it's none. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

Perhaps you are me.

At the end of the day when I am laying my tired body down to rest, my mind begins to wage war. The images scorch before my mind's eye, searching for a place to make their home.

I no longer want this body to be home to the memories. And so, the endless riddle is, what does one do with the shame?

When it began to dawn on me that my partner had a sexual addiction, I did nothing. I believed that if I loved him through it, showed him my unconditional love, that somehow he would be healed. And in doing so, I nearly destroyed myself. And honestly, when I say I did nothing, that is not true.

I enabled him.

I became a willing participant. I owned his shame. I owned his disease. And for a while, I believe I became his disease.

In my journey towards recovery, I have had to face the very real fact that I absolutely cannot change the past. I am a natural born control freak, so this has been challenging for me to accept. Shame revisits me often. I greet it like an old friend, cry with it, scream with it, and sleep with it. It visits me in my dreams, in shadows of pain, in twisted memories. Always exaggerating the evil it thinks it is.

And yet, in moments of clarity, I have come to realize that shame is nothing but love at the other end of the spectrum. I am propelled towards love and forgiveness with shame licking at my heels. I cannot seem to run fast enough. The awakening for me has been in the realization of this concept: anything that brings us back to love, is simply love in disguise. And so now, I tell my old friend that it is no longer needed, it has already done what it was supposed to do.

Shame has inspired within my soul a longing, a search for perfect love and complete forgiveness, acceptance, and redemption, and, yes, a soul mate, beautiful sunsets, full moons, magical beginnings, and happily ever-afters.

And I am finding that this road is leading back to Me.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Advice for a "Captive" reader, et al

A daughter's pregnancy should be something joyous ... but due to daughter's history, use and or support of a heroin addicted "boyfriend", it is such a serious concern to me right now... especially since SHE doesn't seem to be taking it seriously at all. A BABY. Due in July.

I started this blog post on April 8 - My daughter was in jail again, 6 months pregnant, for possession of heroin... another stomach punch out of the blue when just the night before everything had seemed so good with her. Anyway, I had meant to ask for recommendations for books to send to her, anything that might get through to her while she was in jail - She's a reader...

Alas, she is also an addict, still, apparently - stories vary from her - she was holding for her "boyfriend" when she got arrested, or they were selling heroin but not using it, or she had heroin so she "wouldn't be in pain"... It's hard to fathom that she really thought that any of these were valid justifications.

It's sad to be a parent whose primary emotion, when learning that pregnant daughter is in jail, is joy... because for that moment I am sure she is not only safe, but that everyone who cares about her feels the same and won't bond her out. It's also sad to be so naive - The "boyfriend's" parents bonded her out a week ago :-(

I had written and gone to visit her, and made it clear I would not bond her out, that I love her and once she was released I would get her to rehab and have a place for her and the baby - That's what she said she wanted - she had said his parents were raising money to bond her out - I told her that if that happened, it was important for her to COME HOME and if she did my offer still stood. She agreed and said she loved me to and wanted to do the right thing for her baby.

Of course, she didn't come home. I am very worried about her lack of comprehension of the seriousness of EVERYTHING.

Gee - Sorry - back to the origins of this post... I would still like reading suggestions, but more importantly, I have one: "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff... It is written by a parent of an addict, and is raw in it's honesty of what it is to love an addicted child - I would recommend it to anyone who loves an addict, and to addicts themselves.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Recently from Cross Addicted....

Hi, everyone.

It's Wednesday of Spring Break week, here, and MAN, am I ready for the kids to get back into school!!!!! I've never heard so much whining and crying, pi**ing and moaning, "it's too cold to go out! It's raining again! When does school start back up again??!!"---oh, wait. That was ME. Nevermind. xp

Well, I've been slacking on my schoolwork like CRAZY, so I felt that I would at least try to make this post somewhat educational, in case anyone should find it, while looking for info.

Last semester I was taking a class that was about the family and how they deal (or don't) with addiction, and it was striking to me that the textbook really seemed to "poo-poo" the idea of getting particularly concerned when the addict/alkie relapsed. It was saying that it's going to happen, so when it does, the addicted person needs to just pick themselves up and move on. Maybe try harder next time. WHICH, I'm sorry, am I the only one getting this?---smacks of the illusion of "self-control", to me. Reading these things, I remember thinking, "well, sh*t, then I can just go out and have a couple, and get up the next day and hold my head high and get that "slip chip"---coz, shoot, it's what we're s'posed to do! That chaps my ass. If it was all that nice and neat why would anyone ever need to quit?!

Anyway, that's not what I was going to write about today.
It amuses me to no end when I read things in Psychiatric journals adn the like, letting us all in on their latest discovery: "recovering tweakers more likely to have major depression"! (My translation, I'm pretty sure they don't use terms like "Tweaker" in their journals) Now granted, maybe this is only a no-brainer to me, b/c this is my area of specialty, and I've always tried to learn as much about drugs as possible. But it kinds really just makes sense, when you stop and consider it: Your brain is getting overloaded with FEEL-GOOD chemicals, for however long you are using coke, crank, Ice, meth, uppers in general, or whatever you wanna call it, then it stops getting all that sweet tweaky goodness. All of a sudden, the parts of the brain that are already built in, to make you feel good when good things happen, are NOT getting any assistance to do their jobs, and they have become essentially atrophied. I mean, it's just common knowledge, isn't it, that if you have a muscle that you don't use for a long time, it will get smaller until it can't possibly do the job it was made for?
And so it makes perfect sense to me, that I would tend to be even more of a "depressive" personality now, after having HAD the incredible highs that those drugs bring, for so long, and removing the same drugs.
But, I just wish I knew one thing, at least with some reasonable assurance:

Does your brain ever get balanced out again? I'd bet nobody has done all the testing necessary to really research this, for the simple reason that it would require the depressed person to be off of their meds for an extended period of time, and if that wasn't reason enough, think of the havoc it would reek(sp?) in the pharmaceutical empires, if it turned out that we COULD eventually be done with their fat, wallet-padding lineup.(???) I just want to be done with needing THE MAN, which is what it feels like, if I might be so brash. But today, right now, I am unable to remove the need for the chemical adjustments that the medical companies can only give. I detest this dependence. But until a whole lot of my situation changes, this is how it's gotta be. If only God would give me a big, towering, undeniable sign, and REMOVE the problem, so that I could just put them down and be ok.
I comfort myself, when thoughts of "what did the world do BEFORE they had antidepressants?" run through my mind, with this reply:
Maybe the world wasn't as completely morbidly depressing then. Maybe it wasn't.