Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Life, funny quirks, and spirituality...

Kind of a trip to be writing a post on this particular laptop. JW, you'll appreciate this the most; it's the laptop that I was trying to fix to send to you. You know, the one I couldn't fix after a week of trying, only to give up and send you my laptop instead. Well I was thinking today that it would be nice to have a laptop, for many reasons, but mainly for writing when and where I want. So I pulled out the one computer that thought they had me beat, the one that brought me to my knees. You see, I have never been beaten by a computer before, and this particular failure, being for a friend in all, well lets just say I didn't take it lightly. So I took that sucker out, laid it down on the work bench and said, "look here computer, me and you got some talkin to do." He laid there in silence, trying not to let the fear creep into the corners of his monitor. But I could smell it; no not the smell of burnt circuit boards, or a bad power supply, no, it was fear I smelled. And the taste, oh that taste, like the sweet taste of a desert rain; the taste of victory. Soon after, I was shoving System Restore disc, after system restore disc into it's greedy little mouth. Behold, the mighty healer laid his hands upon it's keyboard, gave it a computer name, and then...gave it LIFE! IT"S ALIVE! Restored unto it's factory image. And upon the download of 61 Critical or Serious Microsoft patches and updates, it lives to post another day. (lol)

But Seriously, it's moments like this that I am grateful to have the laptop. I am reading Joseph Campbell, I imagine some of you are familiar, others maybe not, I highly recommend reading anything this amazing man wrote. On the first page of the book I am currently reading is a quote by Mr. Campbell, the words so deeply resonate within me, they hold such a deep and fundamental truth for me, that I absolutely have to write about them. These words speak to the core essence of my spirituality and we all know that recovery is completely a spiritual process. So I wanted to share this quote with the rest of you. Some may be deeply moved, as I am, some may not understand, others will listen and perhaps see things differently. Either way, I thought it would make for fantastic feedback, stories, sharing experience on a deep level and spiritual level.

"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I say don't think that's what we're really seeking. I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive."

This is something that I will write about. About it's importance to me, about how important I believe it to be to my recovery, and how it is generally a life statement, something I think that at the core level of every human being, we are all searching for the same thing, albeit we are all searching for it in different ways, in different methods; some through religion, some through a higher power of their choosing, some with a personal relationship with god as they understand him or her, some who live in balance with the universe, the list goes on and on. The point I am tying to make is that if you are on a spiritual path, a spiritual journey, or participating in a spiritual recovery, or even if you are not, this statement has to strike a chord within you, on some level and I would love to hear how.

Where is my head???

Ok, so my baby, my Joe is almost coming home. We are praying that it will be by October now, but it still could be sooner. Whoa!! This is so much. It is like, I am a pinata, and if you hit me, you will get all kinds of candy. Ya know??
Emotionally I am just a collage of things. I am happy, I am ecstatic, I am super horny at the thought (hey, you said be honest), I am scared, way scared, nervous, anxious, angry, overjoyed, oh yeah, and lets not forget the good old resentful.
Its so much. It has been almost 4 years. 4 long long years. Writing that, it makes this so real. I mean it. It's not like I am not living it, but sometimes well you all know, its only real if we believe it is real.
This whole experience has been so unreal for me. I mean, we were happy, we were good, we had the family, home, all of it. We were clean, with our separate addictions. Or so I thought.
Anyway, the resentments are almost gone. I am not angry at what happened. I am seriously at peace with losing the house, living in a shelter, and finding a new house. I am at peace with the embarrassment we all went through reading the paper with his picture all over it, knowing our neighbors and friends were all doing the same. I am at peace with the lies, the deceit, after all, as an addict, I know all too well what we will do for a fix.
I have said many times on my blog, and on comments on others, that if we forgive someone at dinner, then we can't serve it to them for breakfast. It took Joe and I a very long time to forgive. Yes, he had to forgive me also. It takes two to make a marriage go the way ours went. We both had to accept responsibility for our parts, which we did. It took us a little over 2 1/2 years, but we did. And we are stronger for it. We had to learn to listen, and to communicate our feelings to eachother. And, we learned how.
So much has changed with us, this has changed all of us. Our family dynamics are not the same, as our kids are now older, he left with babies and children, we have teenagers and kindergartners now. They are growing up. I have grown up. I got clean, I mean really clean. I did relapse, but am once again clean.
I work full time, I got us a house, and we made it our home. I did it. Not him.
This is where I get insane. Part of me is so scared, because it is my house. I got it, I pay for it, I love it. I picked it out. I fought with all I am to talk to the landlord to allow us a chance at a life. See, my problem is now, I am in control. He is not. I don't want that to shift, although I know it will. At least part of it will.
His coming out of jail, that will be so hard for him. Hell, he is institutionalized now. After all this time, who wouldn't be?? I am scared of how he will handle that. I am scared of his expectations on himself. He is battling the "I have so much to make up for" demon. I am scared of the pressure, all of it. From the kids, from me, from society, from his family, and from mine. I am scared that he will relapse. I am scared of the first time he says he is going out. I am scared that he will not talk to me, and he will go back.
I am feeling like, if he does that, I can't do this again. One time. One time is enough. I can't be one of those wives, I just can't. I can't do all of this again. I am not strong enough. I love him to death, but I also love myself and my children. I am scared. I can't get him back, and lose him again. My heart can't take that, my mind can't take that.
There is just so much going on in my head. Can anyone find a map, put an "X" on it, and tell me where I am?? Cause right now, I just don't know.

Maybe there is hope

So my relationship with F is pretty much a secret..to everyone.. it has to be my family is to hurt from what he did if they knew i was still with him they would not be too happy i cant risk loosing them so i keep it a secret for now.. it sux and im not a liar and im lying to them and i hate it..

anyway i called F's mom from my house line..and she know's the deal with the secret crap. so i called her she didnt answer a few mins later the phone rang and my dad answered.. i knew it was her calling back.. he deleted the caller ID when he was done . i guess he didnt want me to no she called. She called to talk to me but he answered so they talked.. and im glad. and everything absolutely does happen for a reason and im so glad he answered and got to talk to her.they havent spoken in a few months since all this shit happened.. (F stole money from my dad and got kicked outta my house) so im glad they talked im sure my dad felt better and she told me how the convo went and it sounds like maybe there is hope that someday F will be excepted back in my family with a little hard work and paying back. it made me feel happy.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I'm Expecting

I've been thinking a great deal about how expectations play havoc with my life. My need to manage them sometimes consumes my time and efforts that I could otherwise spend in pursuit of something that would make life more joyous. This management of expectations is born out of being disappointed, hurt or defeated—something which everyone experiences at some point in their day to day existence. Get hurt real bad once and it seems understandable that one would spend the rest of their lives avoiding that hurt again. But at what costs? expecting happy outcomes is the cost of entry for happy outcomes. They just don't up and surprise us. We have to let them happen. And we have to do that by expecting them to happen.

But no. I spend way too much time thinking about all the things I don't want to happen. Ultimately that fear rules my existence and any wondering of what could be becomes a wonder of something I surly don't want to be. Even if something good comes along I might be likely to miss it simply because I didn't expect it.

So I am trying to toss off my fears and up the ante on my expectations. Perhaps I will be disappointed. Most likely I will be. But even so, the time I spend happily expecting the best far outweighs the benefit of waiting expectantly to be hurt or disappointed. Better to be blindsided by pain then waste my life away dejected because I fear the worst. It's not like painful things are going to be less painful because you see them coming. The pain is the same and the time it takes to get over it takes just as long... unless I decide to not get over and just keep look out for the next painful thing to arrive.

I think what I am trying to say here it that it is far better to be happy some of the time than to be unhappy all of the time. That is what my bout with addiction has taught me. I am just going to practice, practice practice believing the best will happen. If it doesn't, I will be no worse for the wear. If it does, I'll dance a little jig and expect something else to have a happy outcome. In fact, I should take some dancing lessons so when I get happy I am prepared.