Where is my head???
Ok, so my baby, my Joe is almost coming home. We are praying that it will be by October now, but it still could be sooner. Whoa!! This is so much. It is like, I am a pinata, and if you hit me, you will get all kinds of candy. Ya know??
Emotionally I am just a collage of things. I am happy, I am ecstatic, I am super horny at the thought (hey, you said be honest), I am scared, way scared, nervous, anxious, angry, overjoyed, oh yeah, and lets not forget the good old resentful.
Its so much. It has been almost 4 years. 4 long long years. Writing that, it makes this so real. I mean it. It's not like I am not living it, but sometimes well you all know, its only real if we believe it is real.
This whole experience has been so unreal for me. I mean, we were happy, we were good, we had the family, home, all of it. We were clean, with our separate addictions. Or so I thought.
Anyway, the resentments are almost gone. I am not angry at what happened. I am seriously at peace with losing the house, living in a shelter, and finding a new house. I am at peace with the embarrassment we all went through reading the paper with his picture all over it, knowing our neighbors and friends were all doing the same. I am at peace with the lies, the deceit, after all, as an addict, I know all too well what we will do for a fix.
I have said many times on my blog, and on comments on others, that if we forgive someone at dinner, then we can't serve it to them for breakfast. It took Joe and I a very long time to forgive. Yes, he had to forgive me also. It takes two to make a marriage go the way ours went. We both had to accept responsibility for our parts, which we did. It took us a little over 2 1/2 years, but we did. And we are stronger for it. We had to learn to listen, and to communicate our feelings to eachother. And, we learned how.
So much has changed with us, this has changed all of us. Our family dynamics are not the same, as our kids are now older, he left with babies and children, we have teenagers and kindergartners now. They are growing up. I have grown up. I got clean, I mean really clean. I did relapse, but am once again clean.
I work full time, I got us a house, and we made it our home. I did it. Not him.
This is where I get insane. Part of me is so scared, because it is my house. I got it, I pay for it, I love it. I picked it out. I fought with all I am to talk to the landlord to allow us a chance at a life. See, my problem is now, I am in control. He is not. I don't want that to shift, although I know it will. At least part of it will.
His coming out of jail, that will be so hard for him. Hell, he is institutionalized now. After all this time, who wouldn't be?? I am scared of how he will handle that. I am scared of his expectations on himself. He is battling the "I have so much to make up for" demon. I am scared of the pressure, all of it. From the kids, from me, from society, from his family, and from mine. I am scared that he will relapse. I am scared of the first time he says he is going out. I am scared that he will not talk to me, and he will go back.
I am feeling like, if he does that, I can't do this again. One time. One time is enough. I can't be one of those wives, I just can't. I can't do all of this again. I am not strong enough. I love him to death, but I also love myself and my children. I am scared. I can't get him back, and lose him again. My heart can't take that, my mind can't take that.
There is just so much going on in my head. Can anyone find a map, put an "X" on it, and tell me where I am?? Cause right now, I just don't know.
Emotionally I am just a collage of things. I am happy, I am ecstatic, I am super horny at the thought (hey, you said be honest), I am scared, way scared, nervous, anxious, angry, overjoyed, oh yeah, and lets not forget the good old resentful.
Its so much. It has been almost 4 years. 4 long long years. Writing that, it makes this so real. I mean it. It's not like I am not living it, but sometimes well you all know, its only real if we believe it is real.
This whole experience has been so unreal for me. I mean, we were happy, we were good, we had the family, home, all of it. We were clean, with our separate addictions. Or so I thought.
Anyway, the resentments are almost gone. I am not angry at what happened. I am seriously at peace with losing the house, living in a shelter, and finding a new house. I am at peace with the embarrassment we all went through reading the paper with his picture all over it, knowing our neighbors and friends were all doing the same. I am at peace with the lies, the deceit, after all, as an addict, I know all too well what we will do for a fix.
I have said many times on my blog, and on comments on others, that if we forgive someone at dinner, then we can't serve it to them for breakfast. It took Joe and I a very long time to forgive. Yes, he had to forgive me also. It takes two to make a marriage go the way ours went. We both had to accept responsibility for our parts, which we did. It took us a little over 2 1/2 years, but we did. And we are stronger for it. We had to learn to listen, and to communicate our feelings to eachother. And, we learned how.
So much has changed with us, this has changed all of us. Our family dynamics are not the same, as our kids are now older, he left with babies and children, we have teenagers and kindergartners now. They are growing up. I have grown up. I got clean, I mean really clean. I did relapse, but am once again clean.
I work full time, I got us a house, and we made it our home. I did it. Not him.
This is where I get insane. Part of me is so scared, because it is my house. I got it, I pay for it, I love it. I picked it out. I fought with all I am to talk to the landlord to allow us a chance at a life. See, my problem is now, I am in control. He is not. I don't want that to shift, although I know it will. At least part of it will.
His coming out of jail, that will be so hard for him. Hell, he is institutionalized now. After all this time, who wouldn't be?? I am scared of how he will handle that. I am scared of his expectations on himself. He is battling the "I have so much to make up for" demon. I am scared of the pressure, all of it. From the kids, from me, from society, from his family, and from mine. I am scared that he will relapse. I am scared of the first time he says he is going out. I am scared that he will not talk to me, and he will go back.
I am feeling like, if he does that, I can't do this again. One time. One time is enough. I can't be one of those wives, I just can't. I can't do all of this again. I am not strong enough. I love him to death, but I also love myself and my children. I am scared. I can't get him back, and lose him again. My heart can't take that, my mind can't take that.
There is just so much going on in my head. Can anyone find a map, put an "X" on it, and tell me where I am?? Cause right now, I just don't know.
6 comments:
I have read your blog and really marvel at the love I can feel through the words on a screen. I am happy for you and your family (and your sex drive!). Congrats!Married to My Ex
Oof! So much! Expect the best then prepare for it!
X marks real life, my dear friend.
Live it up!
Scout loves you.
P.S. for those who havent read her blog -- go there!
First, what a beautiful, open, naked and honest post. I loved how raw and powerful your feelings and emotions are conveyed. What and exciting time, being so close to the house.
I was senteced to 3 years 8 months. I am not quite sure exactly how much of that I served, I think it was something like 28 months, it's not 4 years. But I think as an addict, as an addict who went to prison, as an addict who was in love with a woman who was also an addict, living on the outside, waiting for me, and as an addict who returned home and never went back, I would be willing to share my experience with you.
It's nothing I can write in a comment. Perhaps an email, or post if others are interested in hearing the story. Anything that I can do to help you understand what I felt being in a similar position, I would feel an honor to share.
I second Madness..
You're right where you should be. Trepidation and nervous anticipation are exactly the world you should be swimming in even though it SUCKS sometimes. I hope you can find they eye of the storm for some quiet time though
ej ~ yes please....post that thing about prison. I'll share why that's important to me when I read it.
Institutionalized...
Mine was in prison for 10 years. he is institutionalized up the ass (umm, I didn't mean it that way), in ways he doesn't even know. He'll never stand the same way as he did before he went in, not in public, he's stiff now. He can't get comfortable in pub/club. He doesn't understand the non black and white approach of this society that well, and I think that's what I love most about him. All those things. He is more real then any person I know. Yeah, he's a heroin addict too, a very unfortunate side effect of prison life.
When he got out he was weird and awkward. He had never used a bank card- but he was so fucking real, it was beautiful. I just let him go through his things, adjust (I laughed at him a little too). Sometimes, we would just have to get up and leave where we were- his anxiety. He has prison dreams and lives a fractured life from trying to evade his past and be 'pro social'. He has been out for ten years now. We have done our fair share of working shit out with each other. The most important thing we share is that we deeply honestly love each other, and from that we have survived everything- and we have worked hard- continue to work.
I wish you all the best. It will be bumpy, but it will also be wonderfully real- at least that's my experience.
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