I'm Expecting
I've been thinking a great deal about how expectations play havoc with my life. My need to manage them sometimes consumes my time and efforts that I could otherwise spend in pursuit of something that would make life more joyous. This management of expectations is born out of being disappointed, hurt or defeated—something which everyone experiences at some point in their day to day existence. Get hurt real bad once and it seems understandable that one would spend the rest of their lives avoiding that hurt again. But at what costs? expecting happy outcomes is the cost of entry for happy outcomes. They just don't up and surprise us. We have to let them happen. And we have to do that by expecting them to happen.
But no. I spend way too much time thinking about all the things I don't want to happen. Ultimately that fear rules my existence and any wondering of what could be becomes a wonder of something I surly don't want to be. Even if something good comes along I might be likely to miss it simply because I didn't expect it.
So I am trying to toss off my fears and up the ante on my expectations. Perhaps I will be disappointed. Most likely I will be. But even so, the time I spend happily expecting the best far outweighs the benefit of waiting expectantly to be hurt or disappointed. Better to be blindsided by pain then waste my life away dejected because I fear the worst. It's not like painful things are going to be less painful because you see them coming. The pain is the same and the time it takes to get over it takes just as long... unless I decide to not get over and just keep look out for the next painful thing to arrive.
I think what I am trying to say here it that it is far better to be happy some of the time than to be unhappy all of the time. That is what my bout with addiction has taught me. I am just going to practice, practice practice believing the best will happen. If it doesn't, I will be no worse for the wear. If it does, I'll dance a little jig and expect something else to have a happy outcome. In fact, I should take some dancing lessons so when I get happy I am prepared.
5 comments:
I have a problem with worrying, too. And you're right about that urge to prepare for the worst...
What I've discovered through a lot of hurting, though, is that the worst is pretty much always much worse than you expect...so all that worrying and preparing is time wasted. If you really could fortify yourself against pain by getting ready for it, it might be worthwhile...but I know now that I can't.
When I moved to NYC for grad school, I worried about all kinds of things, but not planes crashing into buildings. I worried about my alcoholic ex doing lots of stuff, but not cheating on me. I worried that G was depressed, sick, scared, not in love with me--a whole gamut of issues--none of them heroin. All that worry, and still, I got the wind knocked right out of me. Better to practice that jig, like you said, than to build my nasty fort of fretting.
I think that for most of us, we are shown at an early age to worry over things. Things we can not change or control. I know that I was, as was my Joe. He used to say, wish for the best but always expect the worse. We usually got the worse.
I try so hard not to worry. Like JW, I used to worry about all kinds of things with my hubby, but never him becoming a full blown crack addict, robbing stores and going away to prison for almost 4 years. THAT NEVER CROSSED MY MIND.
Now, with the help of NA, and my sponcer, I am concious about my thoughts. I only worry about things for a minute (most of the time), and things have shifted with me, good things are happening.
I was wondering about all this "happy thought" stuff in the news lately. "The secret" and such. I am trying all the postive thoughts, seeing if what I am projecting will happen. We shall see.
That old "Programming" is still there though. I worry like my mom used to, only not as much this time.
All we can do is try, right?? Besides, if nothing else, I have noticed a few less gray's in my hair!!
My mother gets up in the middle of the night specifically to pace around the house in the dark and worry. She's done it since I was kid and continues even now when she is 79.
She taught me NOT to do that. She says worrying is a waste of time; a wasted emotion, to quote her directly.
I try to simply move forward when I can -- to be afraid and do it anyway, so to speak.
This is an important post, WS. Get that dance ready -- good things are coming your way.
Peace,
Scout
Hey, glad to stop by. You can link to me. I have always been a worrier until getting further into Al-Anon. Now I don't worry about anything much. At least, not the things that used to absorb me. I just try to enjoy life now.
I certainly get the concept that worrying does not help, though getting it really doesn't keep me from worrying. But what you guys are saying about expectations confuses me. What I'm learning in Naranon is that expectations are preplanned resentments. Maybe it's the specific expectations that get me in trouble- like expecting someone to do what they say they're gonna do, or expecting someone to respond in kind when I do something nice for them. Maybe your plan, WS, works if you have more general expectations, like expecting good things to happen, or expecting whatever happens to be for your highest good.
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