For Mantra

So I have been thinking after reading your post this morning and feeling how much you are hurting...I can feel it at just the exact pitch and with the precise ache in the gut and the juxtaposition of rage and terror and disappointment all wrapped up...

One thing I've realized lately, though, is that no matter what I decide to do, I've got to take care of me. And I have to make the right decisions for me, regardless of what is right or wrong or what I think I deserve or whatever...I'm mostly thinking of all those posts that are about how we deserve better.

We do deserve better. We do. But if you want to be with your husband, and if you choose him, I don't think you should be sorry. If you love him, and he is a father to your children, and you want to be with him even though he is very sick, that is a choice that you can make without feeling shame. It took me a while to be able to accept that for myself...that I'm constructing the narrative for my life, and nobody can intervene in my story. If I choose my husband, even in active addiction, that's my choice, and I'll do it if it's right for me.

That said, I'm also absolutely committed to making sure that my needs are met and that I am safe. My money, my things, my sanity--it's important to me to protect those things. If I want some goddamned hardwood floors and my husband isn't able to help me buy them, then, I'll buy them for my goddamned self. That will mean that I can't loan him money, and that's not my problem. If he sulks about it, that's his bucket. Whatever I want or need, I can provide for myself...emotionally or physically or spiritually. As long as I look at my time with my husband as a gift and enjoy the best of it and look within to find everything else I need, we can be married and succeed.

I don't know. I'm doing the codie thing where I imagine that I'm wise and that I have a solution because I just know all too well how much you're hurting, and I hope you aren't beating yourself up for staying. If you don't want to leave, that's your life and your decision, and you're not stupid for it.

Please take care of yourself, and let me know if there's anything I can do for you.You can always come over!