Growing Separately, Growing Together
I think what I'm seeking most in my recovery is balance. Things are going well at the moment for my addict and me. I'm almost afraid to write that, because I know that this is a relapse disease, but we got through a major hurdle together this weekend and she's invited me to see her get her 60 day chip on Thursday. We're both in a growth spurt at the moment, and I'm getting, at least for today, that we each have to be growing separately to grow together.
I used to get frustrated because I felt like I was working harder than my addict on recovery. I told her that when she's ok, we're ok, but I'm coming to believe that that's really not the truth. (See my post on my truth about lying.)
About a month ago, she got really serious about recovery. She got a sponsor, agreed to do 90 in 90, and started getting really active in the recovery world. I found myself with new and surprising resentments. After begging and pleading with her to go to at least 3 meetings a week, I found myself resentful when she agreed to do 90 in 90 for her sponsor, when she wouldn't do it for me. After what felt like forever of her isolating and me begging her to go to social functions with me, I found another resentment when she started going out with her newfound NA friends. Again, I was thinking, she wouldn't do this for me, but she'll do it for them. She was getting healthier and I was getting healthier, but I found myself having great sadness that we were getting healthier separately rather than together. I was also struggling with fear of abandonment, as she continued to develop a social network that didn't include me. (Can anybody tell I've been working hard on my 4th step????)
Our therapist told me that we were enmeshed (no shit!!) and that we needed to grow separately in order to come back together as two adults. That was the reframing I needed to let go of some of my fear and resentments and start trusting that where we were was a necessary part of getting where we want to go.
Well, for today, things are really good between us. We got through this last crisis with both of us being honest about all of our feelings, including my neediness and her urge to use. I know that tomorrow could bring relapse for either or more likely both of us. But today is a good day.
2 comments:
You know what helps me with that resentment about his social life or relationships with other people? Having a social life and relationships with other people. Call me, woman, and we'll have coffee or wine or whatever. You've got that list!
I believe your therapist is right, after all it's the same exact thing our marriage counselor told us, but it's something that I am unsure my partner understands.
I know this is true for me in my relationship, I fully understand that without my recovery there can not be a relationship.
I also see this on your side of the fence, women who are working in their recovery at a much faster rate than their mates. Most I see appear to have accepted that this is not a bad thing, and the very real feeling of "wanting" your addict to move at a quicker pace, so that you can then work together on your your relationship is understandable, and even acceptable, as long as it does not stagger your own growth or recovery.
Being an addict, and feeling that I am moving slowly in my recovery is sometimes discouraging to myself, but at the same time, I know that at least I am doing something. That something may all I am capable of right now, just as in the beginning I wasn't capable of that much.
For me it was a matter of time of feeling completely miserable before making a decision to actively do something, and it may be true for all addicts, it just depends on each addicts threshold for dealing with pain and insanity while clean. There are only two options for an addict once the drug is removed, to work on his or her recovery, or to do nothing and wait for a relapse.
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