Why cant they just be supportive..
Just once i wish someone would back me up and be supportive.. i guess its hard when they no all the f'kd up shit "F" has done to me and to my family. But i love him.. and i know that wasnt the real "F" doing that ...that was the "F" on the drugs. and i know that if he got help and wanted this he could change and leave this mess behind him. No on understands though they dont wanna hear it they just call me dumb and stupid and naive and anything else you can think of. I cant even tell them if i am with him cuz they will just complain about it. I have to lie about it.. and i HATE lieing.. (thats a whole nother blog.) I dont no what to do.. and there is so much more going on in my head.. i just dont no anymore.. ARE they right.? should i just leave him? Is it worth the pain and suffering right now to stay with him only to see if he will change? I know this is going to be a part of him forever and even if he does get clean for 10 years there is still a chance of him screwing up again... do i want to deal with that? do i want this for the rest of my life? I just want a normal life so bad.. i want to be able to do normal things btu i cant i live a double life and its not me... and no one understands..i dont even undestand..im lost... and i dont even have my friends to talk to about it cuz they just put me down..and its embarassing....
3 comments:
People don't understand...and it helps so much when you find folks who do. I hope you're finding that with us.
Have you found your way to Nar-Anon yet? Either Nar-Anon or Al-Anon might really make you feel better. I felt better after my first meeting.
And I understand. I get it. I was just writing about this stuff in my post to Mantra...
Hey AlylssaJune- I have had some amazing support on my blog recently, including you... If you read the post written on this blog by JW, you will see some good answers. However, a part of me wants to say you are so young, and he is only at the beginning. Run, now. But, then I know the mental game you are playing. And so, I will say to you what my dad (about 5 years recovery/heroin addict) said to me. He said,
"You will leave when you are ready to leave, and not a GOD DAMN second sooner." And that's it. We can't fight the position we are in if we know we're not going to give up yet.
If we're going to stay- we have to accept that this is our choice, not our stupidity. That's what all these beautiful electric friends have reminded me of- for which I am enternally grateful.
find your peace today, one day at at time. I'm right there with you.
I think when you get to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting you will encounter people with similar situations who have learned to give the things they can control the most of their attention and to limit the attention they give to other peoples issues. This doesn't mean you cannot love someone with a problem. It just means that you can learn to make your self happy and that will eliminate the ability of others to influence you in a way you do not want to be influenced. It will also serve as inspiration and motivation for those around you to get their act together. We are, in fact, what we do, and what we give our attention to will only attract more of the same. This is not just about material things. It is about determining what you want and giving that choice your attention. That is just how it works for everyone. And it is something I am learning as well.
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