Fed Up
I am so fed up right now. I simply can not take anymore shit. I just can't. Everyone is leaning on me, for everything. I can't handle it anymore, I really can't. My sisters are very needy lately, and they are coming to me for so much. Everyone around me seems to be in emotional melt down, and it is really tearing me up inside. I can't take this life anymore. God, I just want my Joe home. Now, it could take months, and there is still that slim chance they can stop this. This revelation came out at visits. Which did not go so good, and that is all I am saying about that. But, for me, I am at the end of my rope. I want him home, I need this man home with me. I have been so strong for 4 years, I just don't have it in me anymore. I am tired, I am simply exhausted. I just want to run away. I need to run away. I can't do this alone anymore. No matter what I do, it is just never enough--for anyone anymore. I always am falling short with someone, somehow. Just when it seems things are going ok, boom, it is a mess again. I just wish everyone would stop and realize, I have enough to deal with in life. I can't solve everyone else's problems. I am only me, not some super hero. My shoulders are not this broad. I just can't handle this. MY life is falling apart, because of everyone else's shit. I want everyone to stop coming to me to fix what I did not break. I just want Joe here, so everyone in my family will get pissed and leave me the hell alone. Just go away. Let me be. Leave me to my life. I have never wanted a bag so bad as I do now. I just want to be so numb, to not feel anything. Lately, it seems all I feel is the pain of others, and my own heartache. I want to be high, to go and use right now. I won't. But, damn, I really want to. I am so sick of all of this damn life. It is too hard for me, and when I look around, why are my arms the only one's open for everyone else? No one is there, with their arms open for me?
8 comments:
When I feel like this (and I am by no means attempting to make you feel like you shouldn't, because you have EVERY right too) I am often stopped because of something someone told me once: "God expects more of those that have more gift". It always makes me feel bad for feeling bad, but it makes me feel better too. I hope that you feel better soon and take comfort knowing that it will get easier. The hard road you are one is one you are taking for a reason and it leads somewhere wonderful. Stay the course and you will reap those rewards. I hope life eases up on you. At least you are coming here, that is something positive!
Married to My Ex
i no its hard and i know how you feel and it will be over soon just try to take it easy take care of your self that is most important dont worry about everyone elses shit you are more important and your kids needs you...you need them. you dont need to be overwelmed with everyone one elses problems im sure you have enough of your own. just keep writing email me if you want we are all here for you!
Breath. Then breath again... and again... and again. At times, it's the only thing that get's me to the next moment.
Just like you once told me -- You are NOT alone and you never have to be alone again. You do have people with their arms open for you, N. Reach out to them.
Sometimes i know that something is about to be over, it gets way worse. I think that's because I know it's almost over so I can finally allow myself to feel the full impact of how crappy it always was. You are about to get Joe home--maybe you're just allowing yourself to feel more of the burden of the past four years right now cause it's almost over.
Whatever the case -- reach out, reach out, reach out.
Love you,
Scout
All I can say is Scout said it all. Beautiful comment! I second everything she says, and yes, there are open arms for you. Lot's of them!
Yep...
You don't have to take on the weight of the world. We're all here to help ease the burden as much as we can.
Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a list of womens phone numbers? Do you have a home group? One of the hardest things for me in this deal is to put me first. Picking up that 100 lb phone and reaching out for help. I bet you know all this.
Thank you all so much. I will write tonight, to fill everyone in. I am doing a bit better, I finally told my sister that I just can't fix her. I know once I log on here, I am no longer alone. Thank you all! You mean so much to me.
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