Drug Tests.
For some reason, I balk at the idea of drug testing my husband. I'd like to know what you guys think about it...other than the obvious, cut and dry answer that it provides, I want to know what you think of all the reasons I don't do it.
- I feel like it's very parent-child, and we have enough of that going on around here.
- To me, it feels like searching through his things or going through his phone and all that crazy shit that I've learned I'm better off not doing. The problem with doing psycho detective work, for me, is that it never ends. Even if I don't find anything, I don't feel better. I feel like I'm not looking in the right place. Since I've gotten control of my urge (mostly) to go through his stuff and learned to mind my own business, I am in a much healthier place.
- I've seen him pass drug tests before when he knew he'd piss dirty. He's perfectly able to pass one I'd give him.
- My business, ideally, is not to know whether or not he's using. My business is the kind of partner he's being. If he's meeting my needs, then it doesn't matter what he's doing. I say this, and I mean it...but it's just some silly bitch shit in many ways, as he's not meeting a single fucking need that I have right now, and we're still here, doing this dumb shit. Fuck.
- I don't want to be "against" him. If he's using, I want him to tell me, out of his face, and not through his secretions. I want to be his partner in recovery, not some kind of cop who's watching what he puts in and out of his body.
- I'm better off worrying less about whether or not he's on drugs and worrying more about myself. As long as I keep my stuff and my self safe, then I'm always going to be ok.
I am very, very moved by signs of using, those definitive signs like a needle in the bathroom or a burned spoon...those images and objects HURT me like few things. The very scientific nature of asking him to go in the bathroom and piss in a cup and then do a little test feels like needles and spoons and all that shit...I don't like all that shit.
6 comments:
I don't think I really wrote anything that actually pertained to what your post was looking for.
Sorry- I just want to know the test results
Dam girl I REALLY feel for you right now.
I know that if my wife came to me with a piss test I would feel hurt but at the same time understand her love and concern for me and US! So if he has nothing to hide then it really shouldnt be a problem right?
I know that if I was dirty then I wouldnt even piss in the cup and just come right out and tell her.
Im glad that we have a relationship where if I need to tell her anything I dont have to hide it from her. I really hope that hes not using but like Mantramine said what are you going to do if he is and the test is positive? Have you prepared yourself for that?
We (addicts) get into a mindset where we believe that we are being sooo sneaky and that we can get away with anything.
It's the times that I'm in that addictive thinking mode that I need someone to knock me back down to reality.
Give me a mental kick in the ass to make me once again realize what it is I'm actually doing.
I say give him the test...it will be humiliating for him but that's not your fault...it's his.
There's a book called Urine trouble. It covers the ramifications of testing inaccuracies but probably not in this context. Why go there? Is it your job to test? What I am hearing (and agreeing wholeheartedly with) from your Al Anon experiences is that your job is to make you feel good. Maybe you could test yourself and comeback with a small vile of colored something and tell G you tested for feeling bad and you are going to have to do something to make yourself feel better.
Sorry, I get a little bitter when my friends are in pain. For all I know, this has passed. I am commenting before I have even read everything.
I was wondering about the piss test thing because it keeps coming up, and I'm trying to figure out what about it makes me so uncomfortable. I think I just wanted to talk it out with a few folks to make sure that the reason I don't want to test isn't because I don't want to know...it's because it won't help anything, anyway...if he were negative, I'd just figure he'd beat it, and so I'd still be concerned and know nothing...and the invasiveness of testing isn't worth the disruption of my head-space. A few people have mentioned testing a few times, so I thought it would be good for me to sort out all my thoughts.
If Google would only hurry up and develop that Google Blood progam I keep harping on. You just type in someone's name, and Google searches their blood, and then you know, without a doubt, what they've been up to.
I'm becoming such a fan of Big Brother. I don't want to spy on my husband because it disrupts my sanity...but I'd like it if someone else would. I'd like it if the Internet could search his blood and his heart and soul, or if the cops could just randomly drop by and search the house, or if the feds were monitoring his phone calls.
That would be nice.
So see, my Nar-Anon stuff is helping me, but I'm still a long way from "fixed." I still think he needs to have someone watching him, I just don't want to be the one doing the watching.
He can watch himself. Really, he can.
Post a Comment