Too Ugly For N.A.
My husband is a doofus.
I was getting dressed for my meeting yesterday, which (subsequently) I somehow managed to be too late to make. My man was on the couch, and he was so handsome and silly, and I kept sitting down next to him and kissing him, and it made me late...
But all day, I was talking about how we'd go to the meeting together. See, he told me that he wants to start going to meetings, but that he's going to have to say that he's going to go and then not go and make me cry fifty or sixty more times before he actually makes it to one and starts really being ready to go. I decided to make yesterday be #1 in the times when we'd do that little dance of madness.
So I'm getting dressed, and saying, "I'm so glad you're coming with me to the meeting tonight! It's like a dream come true! You're such an angel prince baby husband pie from heaven!" And he would say, "Yes! I am! Let's buy me things! Please make lunch for me!"
We did it all day. It was awesome. You should have been there.
So finally, I'm about to walk out the door with 5 minutes to get to the meeting that is 25 minutes across town (I ended up just going to buy groceries and run some errands instead), and he says that he doesn't want to go because he looks too bad. He said he's too ugly to go to meetings...and he wasn't playing. He meant it that he thinks he's too ugly to go to meetings.
I wanted to cry, or slap him, or shake him. First, he's fucking gorgeous...a gorgeous, gorgeous, beautiful man. And second, last time I checked, you don't have to be in a fantastic place to start going to fucking Narcotics Anonymous. It's not like it's for folks at the top of their game, especially when you're just starting out. He said, "I look so bad, and I don't have a job. I want to start going when I look better and feel better and I'm working so I won't feel like such a fuck-up."
Isn't that the saddest thing?
The End.
3 comments:
It's a vicious circle this needing to feel attractive and capable so one can get the help to feel more attractive and capable. It's like cleaning the house before the housekeeper comes.
That's one that I didn't use. But, often times, no matter how handsome of a junkie he/me/we may be, the ugliness, the shame and guilt over the things we have done, that ugliness on the inside, makes us feel ugly on the outside.
I haven't cared about my appearance for a great long time. I still don't. I don't feel good about myself. I don't actively despise myself anymore, I don't quite have those feelings of ugliness anymore, but I did, at one time, I did, and it wasn't that long ago.
I can definitely relate to feeling too ugly for life, I suppose had I been as creative, this would have kept me from my first meeting a day longer; eventually he'll run out of excuses, or he will meet a catalyst, like I did, a friend who was in the program, someone I could buddy up with, and go to the meeting.
He'll make it. He has to.
Agreed with WS--it is exactly like cleaning the house before the housekeeper comes. I like that analogy a lot and I intend to steal it WS! ;-)
I hate to admit it but I am someone who cares a great deal about my appearance. Even when I decide to look "grungy" there is an element of planning to it. lol. So, I can relate to what he is actually saying to you here.
I wish I could tell G that we all expect people to look uncomfortable in one way or another when they start coming to meetings. It's a hard thing to do. Hell, if it was easy, EVERYone would be in recovery, right? So, we know it's hard and we know people feel like shit and sometimes people even look rough. But what we really notice is that the person is THERE and trying to get HELP. It's the only part that really matters.
I wish I lived in NC, so I could take your crazy, handsome man to a meeting. I would hold his hand and introduce him to good people and buy him a book and help him get some phone numbers.....I would tell him there's hope and that he CAN feel better than he does right now. But for now, just tell him I said "just go, G. Just once. Just GO."
Peace,
Scout
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