Mixed bag
I am of many minds this evening. This morning I had it all worked out. He had to move out. I could no longer live like this. The night before, I almost chose going to bed with him, my only intent being to figure out if he was high or not, over hanging out watching TV with my daughter who wanted to hang with me. I almost chose going to bed to play detective-good cop/bad cop. I almost made that choice, and it made me sick.
And so, this morning I knew the pain of holding on was becoming much greater than the pain of letting go. I had to let go.
And then... The juice. He's seriously thinking of going on the Methadone pgm. I think both of feel, on some level, that we've lost the fight. I don't know.
I think I am relieved on some level, but then a little concerned that it wont work some how, or that there is someway that he can make it not work.
Any words of wisdom?
addicts?
6 comments:
If he's thinking of going on methadone, at least he's thinking change...it's not perfect...but we're not in a perfect situation.
I'm sorry it's hard there. You can come here, and somebody will take your wine.
I was thinking the same thing as JW - at least he is thinking change.
Good luck. I believe you are handling this with grace and dignity.
JW - how dare you! lol. Maybe everyone has short term memory issues. I went on MMT on 6.19.07, and I havent touched a drop of heroin since 6.21.07.
Even when they were tweaking my dose, and I would feel sick at night, I held strong. I remained at a low dose, committed to myself that this was not a lifetime choice, but a method to stop using heroin. I have a plan in place that will begin lowering my dose in the next couple weeks, and over the next six months to detox completely. That's the goal, to be adjusted as needed.
It's not THE answer, but certainly can be part of the solution. People that are into the AA program will tell you that often times it takes medical intervention or medical treatment for the addict to be able to stop using, and come to a place where he or she is ready to accept or at least be in a place where the program can be effective.
No where in the program does it give the addict a method to stop using; I strongly believe the program is to help the addict remain clean. If your husband is the type of junkie that I was, then there are 3 things that will enable him to stop using; medical treatment (MMT), jail/prison, or death. For me this was an easy choice.
I say if he is talking about MMT, encourage him. If you need information about methadone, or methadone treatment, I got a ton of it for you, just let me know.
For a heroin addict like myself, this was the only answer.
I agree with EJ, I host a recovery class/meeting every week at a methadone clinic. A MMT program with a good recovery program is ideal. I wish alcoholics had the same option!
The only fair warning is I'll give though is addicts can and will abuse the program regardless of common knowledge, and there are definitely less than straight clinics out there also. Another no-no to be wary of, substituting and augmenting MMT with street methadone.
Wow, o.k. Methadone, huh?
While Methadone did not work for me over the long haul, it definitely saved my life and I mean SAVED MY LIFE.
Like Ej, I am not an addict who could get clean without some sort of intervention of jails, death, or institutions. And the institution part always included the institution of medicine.
This last time I got clean, I used Buprenorphine (Suboxone) for the first seven months of my clean time. It was awesome! And the withdrawal from it was a piece of cake comparatively.
I feel for your addict, Mantra. This is a horrible drug to try to clean from without a lot of help. I also feel for you having to watch it and try to make sense of any of it. It makes no sense, friend. It's just this sad sickness that you'll never figure out.....
I, like Ej, would encourage him to try something else, too. What he is doing isn't working and he is willing to find another way to quit. He obviously doesn't want to use. I am NOT saying you should continue to stick around and help him or watch his process or participate in his life -- that choice is still up to you of course. I'm only saying that I wouldn't DIScourage him from trying another way.
There are links to Methadone and Suboxone on my site if you need. And you can always email me, too, k?
Love to you and Peace to him,
Scout
Try and remember that even if he changes it doesn't mean you will not be able to change if you want to. Change is mutually exclusive and can always be for the better if you are the one making the change.
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