Introduction Of An Addict

I figured I would spend one post introducing myself to everyone and filling you in on a little bit of my background...just so you know where I'm coming from.

My name is Erin and I run the site What Winners Do. Basically this site is my novice point of view on addiction recovery. It's a way of putting it out there for anyone who can identify with me.

So what credentials do I have that would allow me to run an addiction recovery site? I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm still pretty early in my recovery and I try to be as honest as possible with all of my struggles and my success.

I Went Down, Down, Down And The Flames They Got Higher

My abuse of drugs and alcohol began and a very early age. It started off innocently enough with trying to choke down a beer even though I thought it was the most disgusting thing I ever tasted.

This progressed into drinking hard alcohol and eventually smoking pot. All of this was done with friends in a social way. That was until I discovered prescription pain medication. To me, this was not a social drug. I would take prescription narcotics to escape the world.

I started this behavior at around the age of 15. Already I was laying the foundation for addictive thinking. Hiding the fact that I abused prescription drugs and isolating myself was the beginning of my career as an addict.

I would use for a period of time and then quit for a period of time so in my mind...there was no drug problem there. I could stop when I wanted to. Even if those periods of down time only last a couple of weeks. Addicts can't do that...can they?

Well, it turns out they can. I continued this behavior for years. I would basically poison myself with drugs and alcohol, pushing myself further and further away from any resemblance of a normal healthy lifestyle.

Flash forward to the age of 29. I tried Oxycontin. No, it wasn't prescribed to me and I didn't take it because I was in pain...not physically anyway. I tried Oxycontin knowing full well that people try this drug and on many occasions become addicted to this drug. That didn't stop me.

I would pay $20.00 for 20mg of Oxycontin. I would suck the time release coating off, shave it down to powder form and then sniff it up my nose. Within 7 minutes (another sign of a true addict is the need to know just how instant the gratification will be) I was completely numb from all of my feelings - good, bad or other.

Well you know the story - I used to do a little but the little wasn't doing so the little got more and more. Flash forward about a year later I had spent my entire 401k and I was slowly draining my husband's bank account to keep up with my habit.

There were times that I tried to stop and that is when the realization started to seep into my drug riddled brain that "maybe I have a problem". My body was completely addicted to Oxycontin. About 10 hours would go by of not using and then the withdrawal symptoms would start to kick in.

It was about this time that I started to freak out. I had kept my addiction a secret from everyone. They knew something was wrong...they just didn't know what. I was afraid of telling anyone for fear of losing my husband and my child. I was stuck.

Finally, after going about 35 hours without using and having withdrawal symptoms that could not be kept under wraps I confessed to my husband that I was addicted to Oxycontin.

The Best Ultimatum Ever Given

I still was under the impression that I could still handle this myself. When my husband was telling me that I would need check myself into a facility I was almost laughing at him. There was no chance in hell that it was going to happen. I just would not do it. I can withdraw from this, people do it all the time.

I guess I hadn't realized just yet that my goal needed to be not only withdrawing from this drug but to also never slip back into using again. Then came the ultimatum.

"Erin, if you do not seek professional help for this I will leave you and I will take our son with me." There it was, I had hit my bottom. I was about to lose my husband and my child over drugs. Finally...click.

Off to rehab for me. I was so frightened. While checking in I kept see "these people" walking around. "Oh my god, what am I doing in the same place with all these losers?" I get a chuckle out of my thinking now but really at the time I was convinced that I was in a separate class from these alcoholics and drug addicts.

It took about one group session for me to realize that these people had basically the same stories as myself. I belonged here. I was no better than any one of these people that I was sitting in a circle with. There it was, I was humbled.

This all took place at the end of January of this year. I have been working hard at my addiction recovery ever since. It's a struggle, some days harder than the others and there have been two times where I have given into temptation. But they were stumbles not falls and I'm proud to say that I am still a work in progress.