Friday, August 10, 2007

Cutting the Strings

I can honestly say that I don’t think I would had ever gotten sober if I had stayed close to those that loved me. They were always there to buck me up or bail me out. Food, medicine, and a sense of belonging that only a family and loved ones can provide- especially the way I treated people. No matter how bad things got, I could always run home for relief. I eventually did become homeless, not so much that I was out of options but more so that I was too embarrassed of the trembling wreck I had become to face those that knew me. I didn’t really love them because every thing played second fiddle to my addiction; I just knew I needed them so I played the game.


In reality, they never did cut the strings, I did. Then it got real bad, and I had no relief or sanctuary, no place of temporary solace. You can call it rock bottom, I think Scout and I would probably call it more of a surrender. But it wasn’t until I had no place to run, unable to acquire drugs and alcohol, and I was out of all options that my addiction was at the mercy of my health and resolve. I just physically and mentally couldn’t go any further and my addiction began to starve.


Once in recovery, I did learn to love again. My relationship with my family is now part of the bedrock of my existence. But if I never would have cut the strings, my family might very well have remained the enablers of my destruction.


Just because the strings have been cut doesn’t meant they cannot be retied.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh MAN! You have stirred up some stuff for me with this one.
I feel a post coming on.
Thank you!
Peace,
Scout

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Two points I would like to make clear though.

1) Although I don't think I would have ever gotten to the point of surrender with my family, afterwards they became a huge part of my initial recovery. It's a story for another time, but my father went out and found the wreck I had become and offered one more chance. I took it and have never looked back, and my family played a huge support role in my initial recovery. I meant this post not to say that you have to do it on your own, because in the end I had a lot of support in my recovery. I wanted the post to convey that enabling behavior is a roadblock to recovery, and that just because you quit enabling and addict or an alcoholic this doesn't mean that in the end they will not return later in recovery much stronger. Love may not be able to overpower an addiction, but it is a tenacious thing with a very long shelf life and does not expire just because the strings have been cut.

2. On AA, that one is another long story but it will have to suffice for now that I can say I am a huge supporter of AA and it was a huge part of my early SOBRIETY. My RECOVERY however I attribute more to a personal program that borrowed heavy from a number of sources including AA. I have been sober without relapse since the fall of 1994, but I cannot say exactly when my real recovery truly started- just when I had quit drinking (the first and hardest step).

joy said...

This stuff always scares me. I don't want my husband to go away.

Wait...sometimes I want to stuff him in the trunk of a very hot car and bury his crazy ass in the bottom of a lake...but mostly, I don't want him to go away.

During your active addiction and early recovery, TDA, were your family members in recovery as well? I'm wondering (hoping) if Al-Anon might have made a difference.

I recognize the value of the support that I've given my husband, but there have been many times that I've thought he'd be able to heal better without me. It's a push and pull, constantly...

And as always, it's all about him.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

They were not in Al Anon-would it have made a difference? Well in my case I think probably not, but would it have help my family deal with the pain I caused? I think yes.