help a sister out
I was moved to post by the latest entry of Mantramine. The post without a title from Thursday has touched me in a profound way. I had told her that I would comment once I had found my words, but I decided to post them here. And here is why:
You all touch me in a way that is difficult to describe. Those of us who are addicts touch me in an identification sort of way -- we sort of know each other in a way. Those of you who are loving an addict touch me in a different way.....and there's where I lose my words.....and I am try hard to find them.
You touch me in a guilt and shame kind of way -- of exactly what I have done in the past to a partner who adored me and eventually left me, and also to partner who still adores me and who has stuck by me. You touch me in a good reminder kind of way -- of the pain I have caused and could cause again if I were to return to active addiction. You touch me in a love kind of way -- in a spiritual kind of way that is wrapped in difficult to express stuff like G-d as love and G-d working through people and being expressed in other people.....You all simply touch me beyond anything I could find the proper words to convey and are a major part of my recovery from this thing called addiction.
That being said, let me try to address the Mantramine post.....
She got excited about being free. I think that's what hits me the hardest. She finally, finally felt free. She got to a spot where the pain of staying was more than the pain of leaving and she felt it and got a taste of FREEDOM. She was happy and seemed like she was making plans that seemed right for her and her children. And then he brought up the Methadone idea and it felt like a bomb to her -- something that blew a hole in her plans; in her freedom.
Help me out here, "stayers." I need to know why this would change someones plans to leave? I am not judging the decision in any way, shape, or form. I just need to know why him coming up with a new approach to getting clean would change someones mind about leaving? I need to understand. I care about what goes on in the "stayer's" thinking and I need to understand.
"Stayers"???? Can you help me out here?
And to my dear Mantramine -- I want to see you happy, joyous, and free -- whatever and however you get there. But that is my wish for you, my friend. I will email you soon cause I'm not done with what I want to say to you personally.
5 comments:
Well here's my thing, and I can't tell if it's the same as Mantra or not, especially after that post I just read.
I am still head over heels in love with this fool. I want him in my life, in my bed, every day and night. He's beautiful and creative and sensitive and fills some very deep needs that I have. And, I still have hope that he is going to get better, and that we will be better together. I think that he will eventually start going to meetings or find some kind of outside help...and that he will keep growing and I will keep growing and eventually, we'll grow together. So I stay because of love and hope...
I also know, though, that if I continue living this way where my safety feels compromised, I'm getting the fuck out. I can't keep living like this...
I am different from Mantra, though...and in addition to just being different people with different tolerances for this shit and different values or goals or dreams and all that jazz...I'm at the beginning of this adventure with addiction. This really only started for us in February. She's been dealing with it off and on for 10 years. I'm guessing here, but I think that the methadone effort made a difference for a few reasons:
1. Even though she liked imagining what her life was like without him, she loves him. Her ideal life would be a life with him, clean.
2. After spending 10 years with someone, she wants to give herself/himself/themselves a fair shake. She doesn't want to regret letting the relationship go if there's a chance he can pull through. There's a strong pull to make sure that all the time she spent with him wasn't "wasted."
3. I'm going to paraphrase Rick James here: "Compassion is a powerful drug." It's hard to hurt someone you love. If he has come to her with another attempt at a solution, it's natural for someone who has been living with an addict and just fucking pouring compassion out of her fucking pours for years and years and years to be compassionate, let him try, be there with him.
So those are my thoughts.
So, it's about hope and love then -- just like it always is.....
Thanks J-Wife.
Lovely post. I understand this need or desire to know. It's something I don't understand and causes me a great deal of stress. Love & hope sound like wonderful reasons. But do they apply to each of you? Or are there other reasons as well?
Wow... this one's gonna take some time for me to answer- although JW summed it up pretty good. I'm just going to take a moment or two- I want, and need, to answer this- to myself as well as you (all). And, I need to get a hanky...it's all too fucking beautiful in it's raw honesty.
It's amazing how Mantra's post touched so many of us in different ways.
I am glad JW said what she said because it really summed up a huge part of why I stay, and why I think maybe Mantra was disappointed in his wanting to try Methadone.
I stay because I see something in him worth fighting for. I see that he is trying so hard by attending meetings, and making moves in the right direction to get his life back together. I see him really trying. I can honestly say that I do not know if I would stay or even consider it if he was not making any moves to affect his future in a postive way.
I stay because I love him and I want to try to work things out. But like JW, this is new for me. Chris' addiction only came out at the end of January.
As for why she may want to leave, or as for why I would want to leave, it's pretty much summed up in JW's post. But also, I have felt this way. So excited for freedom and the chance of a new life without all this "drama" (for lack of a better word quickly) that when he wanted to change or try something new, I felt like I had to so I knew that I didn't waste my time. I felt like I had to because I loved him and it was right. I didn't want to regret leaving him in the hardest place he has ever been in.
I believe JW has said this, and I believe Mantra has already posted so I am kind of late, but there are my answers.
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