The Write Thought: What's Mine.

re: What's Mine.

And a moment of clarity and the struggle in between...

This started out as a comment regarding JW's post, then turned into my own post. What I had first wrote, beginning in the comments section appears at the end of the next 3 paragraphs, and was written before I wrote what proceeds directly below. I know that's confusing as hell, but welcome to the mind of an addict. All of this was written within a span of about 20 to 30 minutes, I don't know exactly why that is important, but for some reason it is.

First I love your post for the sole reason that it carries a message. It offers hope based on your experience. This has served a dual purpose, one you intended, and another you may not have been aware of. I can see in you, through working in Nar-Anon, you have some peace of mind, lot's of clarity and understanding, and you have shown tremendous growth in a short period of time. Like I said before, this post is excellent because you are sharing your experience, strength and hope. To quote a friend out of context, "Textbook," and I applaud you for it. There are so many people out there on your side of the fence, being the partner of an addict who are still suffering, and here you are to offer them a way to freedom from their addicts bullshit, offering what you have gotten thus far, and from my experience it's just the tip of the iceberg. As I said though, your message carried a dual purpose, or more correctly a dual message, not just to those partners of addicts still suffering, but to me, to an addict who is still suffering. Yes, the fact is I have not used a drop of heroin in over a month now, but I have still been struggling day to day, not with a desire to use, or even thoughts about using, but with life. With living, with my relationship, with my feelings, with my emotions. Those that read anything I write know that I am a complete mess.

The thing is I have been involved in AA before, in fact I have a very positive experience with the program. Sure I ran into a rough patch here and there, especially at the end, when I desperately wanted to work with others, sponsor people, carry the message to those who like me now, were still suffering and really dying for an answer. I have been to exactly 1 meeting in the last month. I have had exactly 1 million excuses not to go, and recently I have managed to come up with 10 times more reasons why the program is worthless, and why I want no part of it. Until today, until reading your tiny message of hope to those others like yourself, to the partners of us addicts. You have something I want, you have had it for a while now, and I have wanted it all along, I have just been too stupid and too pig headed to admit it to myself until now.

What does this all mean? Hell I don't know, this all came out in the last 10 minutes, my original post is at the bottom of this one. Am I ready to jump back aboard? I am not sure. Will I start going to meetings again? Maybe, actually I just might. I am sure that everything that has happened over the last month has led up to this moment, including the letter from my sponsor. There is only one thing in that letter that really stands out to me, that rings true, and that is when he said what he thinks I want to be doing is to carry the message, and I honestly think he's right. It doesn't mean just because I don't have a message to carry at this point that I am going to stop writing. Up to now this has been my life saving process. Without it, I would have never gotten to the place I am today, and believe me when I say where I am at today, is better than where I was at the day before, and the day before that, and so on. So for thank your for this post. Thank G-d for stepping up and kicking me in the nuts hard enough to make me open up my eyes (to read and hear). And thanks to my sponsor for always being that prick who continues to call me on my shit, even when he isn't 100% right, he still is sometimes right. Ha, so now I have did all this talking, let's see if I can actually follow it up with some action. Anyone want to lay the spread on it? Let me know the odds, I think I'll put some money on myself.

Now for my original post, what was part of my comments to your post JW:

I started to comment on your post when I began to realize one of the reasons for creating this particular blog; to be able to respond to a post more directly, to be able to ask questions, and to be able to write about a subject that stirs feelings within me that I need to express, or put on screen so that I can better understand them, because, as you will see, I am very confused on this particular subject, and it's something I am seeking clarity on, not from you or any one else, but from me. I also realize that I may not be able to achieve this on my own, thus I have questions for you, based on your experience. See if you can follow me:

I am interested in the ways your relationship has changed from when he was using to now that he is not using and much like me not doing very much in recovery other than not using? I see great strides in your process, in the things you have learned and in being independent (yes you are very independent of him in my eyes), and I can see how that can have a definite positive impact on your relationship.

I have watched your struggle as he first crawled then began to take baby steps in naturally being clean, also your frustration sometimes over wishing he would do more, and ultimately your acceptance of letting him do his own thing at his own pace. To me this shows tremendous amounts of understanding, compassion, selflessness, and growth on your part.

But what I really need to know, what are the positive changes that have taken place solely based upon his action or for that matter inaction? I mean besides the obvious things of knowing that he is not using, and the fact that he is naturally becoming more clear headed as the fog is beginning to lift. I don't know exactly what I am searching for here, but the comment about it doesn't matter whether he is using or not, without taking it out of context, makes me wonder what it is we are doing in not using that is so wonderful? (other that the obvious not stealing, lying, etc, etc).

Confused to the point I can't even form a question, and this has absolutely nothing to do with you, this is my bucket (or more appropriately, my steaming pile of elephant dung).

Quite a striking difference between the two posts, and to think the bottom half was written before the top, and both written within a 20 min span of time. It amazes me that I had a moment of clarity after a ball of confusion, and as Wayward points out, once again I am all over the place. But still, these are questions I really want answers to. I think in a way I have answered them myself, that I see now, that no matter if you even answer the questions, or what the answers are, I understand now that it's not about the quality of your relationship, it's about the quality of mine. Just because I relate to G. in the fact that I feel neither of us are really taking much action in our recoveries other than staying clean (and let's not forget that's a pretty awesome accomplishment for any heroin addict), doesn't give me justification to continue to do nothing because you're relationship may be okay, or getting better while mine continues to slowly drown. So let's forget about the questions, the only reason I left them in is because I never edit what I write. But, I don't need those answers anymore, I have answered my own questions, well that's not totally correct, actually I did something far more important; I figured out how to ask the right questions.