Three steps forward...
You know the old song...three steps forward, two steps back.
My husband is batshit insane. Before I left to go to this funeral for my friend, he told me how wonderfully it had worked for him to make a gratitude list, how he knew that he needed to go to meetings, how he felt like a fool for having such a big fit a few nights ago, how he wished that he had a sponsor, how he was going to clean the house while I was gone to the funeral, how he's so grateful that we have each other, how he knows that I have every right in the world to be hurt and angry and how it's unfair for him to blow up at me if I express my feelings...he was sane, rational, sensible...he was sorry for taking my five fucking dollars the night of the wall-punching...
I kissed him, and left for the funeral, feeling satisfied that he was FIXED. Finally, sigh, he was better, he'd gotten good sense, and Heroin Crisis 2007 was done. I could take the blog down, and go on with my fucking life.
But when I got home from the funeral, he was back to feeling sorry for himself, to feeling wronged by me, and to acting like a great big old handsome spoiled child.
I try to remember that every time he talks about going to meetings or getting a sponsor or forgiving himself or understanding me, he's moving closer and closer to being able to do these things, actually, in real life. And I know that I can't expect everything from him. He is doing the best he can, and he's doing as much as he's ready for.
But goddamn it, I get so happy when he makes sense, all of a sudden.
2 comments:
I can see the label count already for "my husband is a turd." Yes, we suck, only thing I can suggest is to get off our roller coaster of feelings and emotions. My words don't me shit no matter how fancy I dress them. When I start acting then I will have something to be proud of. I think that's when you can look to him and say, "finally some progress."
Attainable goals and simple steps are succor to the recovering alcoholic and addict. Quick and immediately recognizable, these achievements will do wonders for the self confidence that often, because of the nature of the disease, has been crushed by years of reinforced failure.
Our disease will tempt us to make leaps instead of baby steps, because it feeds off the almost assured failure.
So set some doable goals. Define the recovery process. Then you can measure progress together. Just be prepared, IMHO an addict or alcoholic that refuses to walk is only running toward relapse.
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