The Write Thought: What are you guys so mad about?

What are you guys so mad about?

I am angry about everything. You’re husband’s reaction and anger is completely common addictive behavior and in no way should be taken personally by you. I know this is a very tough thing to accept when someone is yelling and screaming at you, while punching holes into the walls. At that moment it’s hard to accept anything but it being completely personal. But while it may be directed towards you, this is completely unfair and selfish on our part, because you are simply the only person we have to dump our anger on. Since we have no skills for dealing with our anger, it gets poured out upon the closest person around us, and usually the person we love the most. (Of course you realize that I am speaking from my own experience, and should not being using statements like we. But it has also been my experience that addicts as a whole have similar issues, and act out in similar ways, and to me this is textbook behavior). I like to bury things, the things that bother me about my addictive behavior, such as the pain I have caused, the lying, and the manipulation, all of it. I like to shove it deep down into a black pit. Since I have no skills for dealing with my anger, I let it fester until it reaches a boiling point and then it explodes; usually into a very similar outburst like the one you have described.

But the question was; what are we so mad about? You have the answer right, at least from my perspective. It’s not really anger at all but it’s displaced guilt. I am so riddled with guilt that it completely consumes me at times. Guilt is nastier than anger, it’s the most self destructive, and selfish indulgent emotion that I own. I say it’s indulgent because there are methods to relieve the feelings of guilt that I feel. And trust me; I feel it about every little thing. I feel guilty about using, about the kids, about my g/f, about work. There is not one area or aspect of my life that does not contain some measurement of guilt associated with it. I also have “anger” about wanting to feel normal, with feeling like I will never be trusted again, with feeling like a fuckup. But these aren’t the right things to express, what I should be expressing is the true feeling, the underlying feeling; I should be expressing the guilt that I feel in each of these areas.

Instead of yelling about how I fucked my g/f over, what I want to learn to do is express how badly I feel about for the things I have done, the lying, the cheating, in his case he seems to feel very badly about the stealing (all guilt, guilt and more guilt); but two things need to happen first before I can get to this place where I can express what I really feel, and express it through non violent, non confrontational communication: First I need to be able to admit the things that I have done (all the guilt) to myself and to her. I need to learn to say, “Yes I cheated on you, and yes it was wrong, and yes, on top of cheating I directly and repeatedly lied to you about it.” The second, after admitting the things I have to done is I have to learn to ask for forgiveness. I need to learn to do this is such a way that I keep the blame directly on myself, and ask in such a way that I don’t have expectations of being forgiven. The one thing I learned from NA/AA in the 9^th step (making amends), that asking forgiveness from the people we have wronged is not about being forgiven, it’s about learning to forgive myself. Through the process of learning to forgive myself, eventually I was able to let go of the guilt of my past actions.

The next question you asked was why we are so mad at the people who loved us when we were so singularly unlovable and supported us when we were being insufferable? The thing is even after I stopped using, I still continue to be singularly unlovable; that is I do not know what to do with my feelings and emotions. I do not know how to express them. I do not know how to express or receive the love of my girlfriend. All she wants in this world is for me to love her, to show her affection, and here I am, completely unable to do this seemingly small thing. It’s not for a lack of desire, or because that I don’t love her, it’s because I spent entire adult lifetime using a drug to hide from my feelings, to protect myself from feelings, and now that I am not using, I have all of these feelings and emotions and no idea what the hell to do with any of them. This makes me still completely insufferable. I have no clue how to communicate. I do not know how to express my feelings, hell; I can’t even have a normal conversation. I withdraw, being an introvert by nature; withdrawal is the easiest thing for me, much easier than communication. On this front I can only offer the advice of our marriage counselor, and that is to read a book, (and read it right away), called “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B Rosenberg.

But still I haven’t directly answered your question on why we single out the people who loved and supported us through our addiction. But what I have done is answered it indirectly. For me, the anger and the expression of anger towards my girlfriend comes from the guilt. My actions towards her while using are the single greatest source for my guilt; that is, I feel guiltier about the things I have done which involve her, than all of the other fucked up things combined. She is like my Niagara Falls of guilt, and all the rest of the things rain that gathers in the gutters during a storm, in comparison. I am sure you can see the correlation between the two. If my anger stems directly from the guilt I feel over my past actions, and the amount of anger I feel is proportional to the amount of guilt I am feeling, then the unfortunate result, because I lack the life skills to not only communicate my true feelings, but to deal with my feelings in general, the result is that my anger gets directed towards the person I love the most, the person who loves me, who stood by me, who continues to stand by me.

I understand that this is completely fucked up and wholly wrong on so many different levels. But this is my experience. The thing is that I think I have some insight on my actions; I just need to learn the skills to deal with all of these things. Because before, when I was using, it was almost like an excuse, my behavior I mean. I know that there is no excuse, but the point I am trying to make is, that now that I am clean and no longer using, and that I am aware of my behavior, and how wrong, and how fucked up it is to continue to treat my girlfriend in this manner, that I am completely aware of how wrong it is, how hurtful, and in doing so, not only am I continuing to hurt her, but I am only building up more guild, adding to the pile of shit. That by not taking action to clean up this mess, by not taking action to learn to communicate, by learning to forgive myself, by learning the whole gambit of life skills that I have no clue of right now. That if I don’t continue to take action and begin changing (regardless of some people’s opinion on the matter), by going to therapy with my girlfriend, by going to therapy on my own, by this fellowship, that I should probably expect that she will leave me. Because like I said, the behavior is completely inexcusable, and there is no reason for it to continue when I have tools at my disposal to learn a new way to live, whether it be the path I am on, or if that doesn’t work, returning to AA/NA. But, it has to be something, I have to do something because I am suffering, I am in pain, I hurt, and I am continuing to cause the same for the person I love.