Survey Says!

I AM HERE, for you JW. Again, so glad to not be alone in a "can you see me? Here I am? Why isn't anybody out there?" pondering. Especially in this WWW. Well, now that could be me more than you.

Any hoo,

Guess what everyone? The addict is back in town. I think it was Tuesday when he left, or Wednesday? Anyways, two days at his brother shitty ass basement suit and he's back. His NA friends have reached out to him- a very touching scene, he has come to some amazing... yes, amazing understandings of himself, such as: He has come to understand that he doesn't feel that he deserves the good life he has, beautiful wife ( oh, yes, again... thank you) beautiful kids, nice home blah blah blah etc.... And, he says that he feels that a part of him resents us for being so good to him (awe... that's cute when he figures stuff out all on his own!)

Now, having said all that as sarcastically as possible, I will say that I do not disagree with him. I find great solace in the fact that he has made, or come to these realizations. That tonight will be his second meeting in two days. That he is calling his NA friends, that he has made arrangements to be more a part of their lives and to make friendships, not acquaintances. My question is this... to the addicts,

When you guys/girls hit this wall of desperation (so to speak) and you come to the realization of how deep your troubles sit in your veins, and you want to , feel good about taking responsibility for yourself, being accountable.. yaddah yaddah... Do you really mean, I mean REALLY mean all of it- even if you relapsed two days later? If so, how long does it REALLY last? How long until you might settle into old deeply dug habits of avoiding the real issues? How painful and uncomfortable is to be so very humble ? These are just things that I wonder.

I also wonder what you really feel about being called on your shit, by your lover, friend, whomever. That big puffy front that you may put up... do you really mean that, or are you grateful on some level that someone calls you, pointedly, assertively- not dysfunctionaly, on your shit?

Now, I am not asking anyone to attest to their, or any one's possible success or failure of their plan. I just wonder, in that moment of clarity, when you are humbled by your addiction... how true to you is it, how true is what you tell your husband, wife, family. How much is lip service- on average?

FYI- I like it when mine comes back with his tail between his legs (which he did ) but I kinda like to see that tail stay there for A GOOD LONG WHILE. And mine seems to be wagging his tail already, it's out and proud. His tongue hanging out with happy panting, his face looking at me saying, "howr awout a huwmer!" And, I'm thinking, "What? Who the fuck said you could talk?!"

BAD DOG! GO LIE DOWN! I don't know, am I so wrong?

By the by... I never actually said the words, "Get out!" I just said I couldn't do this anymore, meaning his heavy handed denial- and, he didn't let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. Him coming back was fine with me, that is, I was indifferent- as long as he cut out the fucking denial. There you have it. For better or for worse.