Back to the basics...

So I hit another meeting today, it seems with each meeting I go to, the following one gets easier to make. Soon I will be in the routine of going to meetings, there's a noon NA meeting a block from my work, and I plan on making it a habit to go. They say that you only have to repeat something 21 times before it becomes a habit, obviously whoever said that never tried heroin. The cool thing about the meetings, is I play this mental game where I tell myself I don't really want to go, like today, I was going to be late and that was going to be my excuse for not going, but I am pretty much over the whole excuse for not going thing and just going. The thing is I go, I sit quietly and I listen. The cool part is so far each time is that I have heard something great. I am sure if you are all wondering if I am going to turn into the AA/NA preaching junkie, and my answer is yes and no. I have to go with my experience on this one, and as much as I have written my way around it, talked badly about it, and argued against it, a single truth remains; the only time in my entire adult life where I was able to remain sober, live a normal life, feel like a regular human being, have peace of mind, have clarity and not be buried chin deep in guilt and shit was while I was actively working the program. And, yes, I am heading back that direction. I look at it this way; it worked for me once, I have that experience. Doing nothing is making my life miserable, so what else do I have to loose? The worst thing that could happen is that it doesn't work, and the only reason for that would be if I did it half-assed, and I will be no worse off than I already am.

Here's a perfect example. Today the meeting topic was the 12th step. Carrying the message. Probably the single most important step of them all because through the 12th step you get to help others, but it's through helping others that you remain clean, that's how it works, that was my experience. Scout can probably testify to this as I am sure from reading The Discovering Alcoholic posts, she/he can tell you the same. Right now I don't have much of a message to carry, other than what JW is starting to say a lot, and I applaud her for it, is go to meetings, and as my sponsor says, just shut up in listen. He says this to me because of my experience in AA/NA, because he knows that sometimes having that experience can be a blessing and a curse. He knows that being the addict that I am, I could have a tendency to start spouting program stuff, in an effort to impress others with my almighty knowledge and power, you know, The Super Addict syndrome. So I do need to just go and shut up and listen and read the book. This has been my experience for the past few days, and it's been great. I am finding that I forgot everything I knew inside and out that is written in the book, things that I had ingrained into my system have somehow been banished from my mind, addiction is tricky that way, whispering in your mind "don't believe that shit."

I am going to share one thing, because it is so completely appropriate, and the fact that it was exactly what I needed to hear today, well, I think you need to hear it as well: This is from the N/A version of "just for today"


Secrets And Intimacy

"We feared that if we ever revealed ourselves as we were, we would surely be rejected."
Basic Text, page 31

Having relationships without barriers, ones in which we can be entirely open with our feelings, is something many of us desire. At the same time, the possibility of such intimacy causes us more fear than almost any other situation in life.

If we examine what frightens us, we'll usually find that we are attempting to hide an aspect of our personalities that we are ashamed of, an aspect we sometimes haven't even admitted to ourselves. We don't want others to know of our insecurities, our pain, or our neediness, so we simply refuse to expose them. We may imagine that if no one knows about our imperfections, those imperfections will cease to exist.

This is the point where our relationships stop. Anyone who enters our lives will not get past the point at which our secrets begin. To maintain intimacy in a relationship, it is essential that we acknowledge our defects and accept them. When we do, the fortress of denial, erected to keep these things hidden, will come crashing down, enabling us to build up our relationships with others.


Just for today:

I have opportunities to share my inner self. I will take advantage of those opportunities and draw closer to those I love.
pg. 218