why this addict was angry

As I read J-wife's post, I was simultaneously empathetic and pissed off at her beloved junky, G. I have been him. Man, have I ever been him. Yet because I have come to love J-Wife, I get pissed off at the stuff that actually used to be my own behavior.
Let me say this and move on.....Those of you who are married to, or sticking by, those of us who are addicted, have helped me in more ways that I could ever describe with words. Hearing how my behavior has affected ya'll is a real gift from G-d. And I have so much gratitude for each of you. Thank you for sharing with me and allowing me into your world.
Now.....
I had a great deal of anger in my "earlier" recovery. The first 100 or so days was/is a tough time for this addict, and, much to the dismay of my gf I am sure, I have done "the first 100 or so days" several times. Now this is all just personal experience and not meant to speak for all junky's, o.k? For me, it's a time of my mind trying to get around the lack of my beloved heroin. I'm angry that I have chosen to not get high any more. I feel trapped by my own choice. I have this sense of deep longing -- and I mean DEEP LONGING -- for my old familiar feeling. Heroin fucking haunts the shit out of me in the early days. Thus, I am angry -- it's not necessarily at anyone or even myself. It's just anger -- call it irritation even. I could get pissed off at not being able to get a shirt off a hanger. I could get pissed off at something someone said in a meeting. I could get pissed off at you, or my gf, or my doctor, or the pharmacist, or ANYone. I would simply be angry with no real rhyme or reason -- any target would do.

It apparently isn't a deal just for men to go to anger first. I have punched walls, kicked doors, thrown clothes around. I even tossed my gf's favorite javelin as far as I could down the alleyway. The anger gets to such an intensity that it feels physical and then I release it physically. I'm not saying any of it is justified. I am simply saying how it is for me. And it's not simply aimed at the person who has stuck by me (when I deserved to be left because she deserved so much better than me at the time.) For me, it gets aimed at whoever is in the path at the time.

I don't want to romanticize heroin here, nor do I want to give the impression that we are somehow "special addicts." That being said, I do believe there are some ways that we who have been addicted to heroin are treated by specialists in the addiction field, and also some ways society views heroin addiction, that does, in fact, separate us from the herd a bit. I was told, and I'm sure ej and G have been told, too, that we simply don't recover over the long haul. I was told in no uncertain terms, "You've really fucked yourself up now, woman. You've sold your soul to the devil of heroin and you are NOT going to get it back. EVER." (direct quote from a counselor.) So, I was told I couldn't recover. I am also seen by other types of drug addicts, and somewhat by myself, as having reached the pinnacle of addiction. I had "arrived" in the ultimate coolness of the underground addicted world. I was (am) a heroin addict. Movies were made about me; song written about me; famous people died over me; people who loved me got scared shitless about my addiction. I was now officially a "tortured soul."

Yes, junky pride. It's a real thing for this addict.

All of that being said, there is a way that heroin haunts me still. I am 21 months clean. Most days I don't even think of heroin, but some days -- shit -- some days it's all I can think of. And on those days, I miss the hell out of it. Would I want to go back to the whole ugly, fucked-up lifestyle? Hell no. But there is always the little voice that pops up that says, "Just one more time, L. C'mon. Just one. more. time." It's that stupid voice that used to make me relapse all the time. Now, thank G-d, I just have my days when I hear it, but don't feel the obsession to respond to it. Yet, it is haunting. And it makes me feel extremely lonely; deep in my soul kind of lonely.

It used to make me feel -- you guessed it -- ANGRY.

So, I'm all over the damn place with this post. It's not what I wanted to do