Confrused

Again with that rollercoaster of emotions. In a way i like just having me time and not talkin to him all the time.. i mean dont get me wrong i love talking to him i guess i dont miss talking to him when he is high. cuz thats when i hate it. but a part of me misses it n a part doesnt its like tug o war im being pulled in both directions. I told him to just call 2 times a day once in the late morning n once b4 bed. but he cant wait so he calls at 9 am n then i gatta wait all day to talk to him...its weird cuz like it bothers me but it doesnt.. i just dont no how to feel anymore. He is so sweet and just amazing when he is clean which makes me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I swear this better be the last relapse...for a loooooong time no... forever.. but will it be? im gunna have to live with this for the rest of my life. does it get better? is there a time when someone is clean so long you stop worrying about it? Im just so torn. i often ask myself do i want to live with this my whole life? or do i want to be with someone where i dont have to worry about drugs and all this.. of course id rather not deal with it.. but its too late to depate i think.. i mean i no im still young but he is my other half...ughhhhh i dont no life is confusing and you only live once i dont want it to be miserable and its pretty much in his hands. well its in my hands cuz i make my own choices but i feel its in his hands cuz if HE stays clean i stay if HE f's up i go or do i?.. idk even when i write i go back n forth. i need some kind of encouragement that things WILL get better if he stays clean and i mean stays clean. for more then a month 3 months a year.