Thursday, August 23, 2007

Confrused


Again with that rollercoaster of emotions. In a way i like just having me time and not talkin to him all the time.. i mean dont get me wrong i love talking to him i guess i dont miss talking to him when he is high. cuz thats when i hate it. but a part of me misses it n a part doesnt its like tug o war im being pulled in both directions. I told him to just call 2 times a day once in the late morning n once b4 bed. but he cant wait so he calls at 9 am n then i gatta wait all day to talk to him...its weird cuz like it bothers me but it doesnt.. i just dont no how to feel anymore. He is so sweet and just amazing when he is clean which makes me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I swear this better be the last relapse...for a loooooong time no... forever.. but will it be? im gunna have to live with this for the rest of my life. does it get better? is there a time when someone is clean so long you stop worrying about it? Im just so torn. i often ask myself do i want to live with this my whole life? or do i want to be with someone where i dont have to worry about drugs and all this.. of course id rather not deal with it.. but its too late to depate i think.. i mean i no im still young but he is my other half...ughhhhh i dont no life is confusing and you only live once i dont want it to be miserable and its pretty much in his hands. well its in my hands cuz i make my own choices but i feel its in his hands cuz if HE stays clean i stay if HE f's up i go or do i?.. idk even when i write i go back n forth. i need some kind of encouragement that things WILL get better if he stays clean and i mean stays clean. for more then a month 3 months a year.

1 comment:

Wayward Son said...

Go to a meeting and hear some success stories from people who have walked before in the path you are on now. They will be engaging, moving and funny. They are always entertaining if nothing else.

We don't have to be working the steps to hear a story that might make us feel better. And it will be amazing how, for just one hour, being in a room full of people filled with the desire for a better life will effect you. Maybe when they leave that room they cannot relate to each other. But while in that room together they are of one mind. And it feels good.