help

I need help guys, maybe im just an idiot or maybe there is no such things, but im trying to search the blog world.. is there a way to do this. Like if i want to search for blogs about drugs or about flowers or w.e it is ... is there a way to search?

help a sista out!

Throw'n my will around

So I have come here to rant away about my quitting smoking. I do not call my self an addict in the heroin/alcohol sense. Whether I should or not, is not a question I can answer. Being a 'normie' has lead to believe I am not entitled to that label, as surely.... I do not know ANYTHING about real addiction. So I humbly discuss my smoking- whatever it is. I have quit a number of times for various amounts of time, the longest being two years. It keeps good timing with my addict, when he relapses... I clearly need my old faithful friend, the cigarette, around to keep my morale up.

So, I had my last smoke Sunday night. Day 3 I recognize as one of the more difficult times for me and then it slowly dissipates. But.... the flashing moments of complete pissed offness I get that I can't have a cigarette (which was really a choice I made to not have a smoke) gets a little stronger. And then, there is the calm reasoning- which is what I encountered this evening.

It is completely reasonable that I should be able to have one cigarette! So what? I would have one- no one would know, and then it would be done. I would satisfy that urge and then become clear again as to why I don't want to smoke; that, it was, in fact, a choice. Sure, in fact... having one cigarette was quickly becoming the best idea I could have had. Excellent!

It's amazing how wholly and completely the addictive voice can convince you that you are talking- and not that incessant mind fuck chatter that just WANTS WHAT IT FUCKING WANTS, that you really want something that you chose not to have....

and yes, I am wearing the patch. I have nicotine acid flowing through me like electricity- electrifying my dreams.

And still, that little voice made having a cigarette the most sound idea I ever had, a thinking woman's idea, a mature idea. Fucking Fabulous.

So... now I stink and have a horrible taste in my mouth.

whatever.....

Doesnt it hurt

When you stick that needle in your arm, don't you feel the pain?
Is it worth it, to hurt your self only to look like a fool
What do you gain?
Spoons, syringes, razor blades, mirrors..
Things to you that are nothing but a tool

Why would someone want to intentionally cause himself pain
I know it hurts you, It has to
What could you possibly gain?
I could ask you until my face was blue
You are too numb to even answer

You are not the only one who's feels this pain
The lies you tell, the things you steal
You have nothing to gain!
The life you live, it isn't real

Doesn't it hurt...

Can you keep on living causing pain?
Every where you go it follows
What do you have to gain?
Is your heart really that hollow

Your life is dark and decrepit filled with nothing but pain
You walk down a road to nowhere
What could you possibly have to gain?
Your face is nothing but a blank stare

You are not the only one who feels this pain
If you continue on this path, there will be nothing left
You have nothing to gain!
Soon your family will put you to rest

Doesn't it hurt....

and the winner is.....

As I draw ever closer to my 2nd birthday in cleanland -- that elusive spot of black key tag status in Narcotics Anonymous -- I have a desire to change my blog title. My gf says I can call myself a newcomer for as long as I think it works for me (ha! smartass that she is with her near 17 years!), but I think it's time has come as I turn 2.
I have thought of many titles, but none of them seem to jump right out and grab me. Then today I saw that Mantramine had changed her title and written a bit about why. JW left a vote for another title in her comment section and an idea was born.
Why not let my people vote for a new blog name for Scout? You know me well. You know what I love and what pisses me off. You know I think I am a special addict because heroin is my beloved. You know almost all of it. So, who better to give me ideas for a new title than all of you?
Lay them on me. Serious votes (Ej corrected me and let me know that voting implies choices and did I really want suggestions)suggestions only, please, or this could turn into a real fricking free for all! (Wow, it scares me to think of what I just put out here.)

Step 1: We Admitted We Were Powerless

This is actually a post I wrote for another joint blog I'm on (Two Women Blogging), but I thought it applied here too.

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We all like to think that we have control over our own lives. We like to think that if we just work hard enough or pray hard enough or act right, we can ensure that bad things don't happen to us. It's almost unbearably frightening to think that we're not the ones calling the shots: that it's God or the universe or random subatomic particles. So, we give lip service to our ultimate inability to control what happens to us, but deep down we never believe it, do we?

We'll say things like: "It's not his fault that he got colon cancer, but still, I do eat a lot of fiber. It's not their fault that their child is disabled, but still, I wouldn't have made the choices she did during pregnancy and childbirth. It's not her fault that she was raped, but still, I wouldn't wear that outfit. It's not her fault that her husband cheated, but still, she probably should have done more to satisfy him." We always think there really was a little something more those other people could have done. We would have eaten better, exercised more, prayed harder, worn different clothing, watched our children more carefully, done background checks on every last friend and neighbor, taken every precaution in every situation, right? We believe that we're luckier or smarter or that God likes us better. And as long as things go right, we can believe that.

My husband is a sex addict. He's like any other addict looking for a high, but his escape comes in the form sex and fantasy: affairs, pornonography, sex workers. There are people who blame him for being weak and immoral, but they also blame me, for somehow not satisfying him. I've met the wives of other sex addicts, and they too usually blame themselves to some degree: if only they were prettier, thinner, more exciting in bed...

Our culture constantly reinforces that stereotype: men are thoughtless pigs who will fuck anything that breathes if they aren't kept constantly satisfied by a beautiful, exciting woman with a ravenous sexual appetite. Look at the supermarket magazine rack. What does Cosmopolitan magazine (more aptly titled "Sexual Codependents magazine") tell us? Why do we love the stories of celebrity breakups? Is it because we know, beautiful as they are, there must be something wrong with them if they can't keep their lovers satisfied?

I was certain that my husband would never cheat on me, not only did he love me, deeply and passionately, we had a fabulous sex life. I wasn't like those other uptight women who couldn't orgasm or who had a low sex drive or who thought pornography was immoral or who wouldn't change up positions or wear kinky lingerie. I didn't need Cosmo to tell me how to make things hot in the bedroom; I was hot in the bedroom. I'd read, watch and look at pornography; I'd even create pornography; I'd send him stories and photos and videos of myself. I'd dress like a prostitute one night, a virgin the next. I'd ask him to tell me his fantasies and let me fulfill them. But more than in the bedroom, in all of our life, I was attractive, I was smart, I shared his interests and I let him be himself. Men cheated on women who hated action movies and sports and sci-fi, women who nagged them about leaving their socks on the floor and talked about shopping and wore frumpy sweatpants, women who were mindless and ultimately dull, women who were unattractive in their looks or their personalities. Men didn't cheat on women like me.

My husband was never faithful to me: not for a day, not for an instant. He was constantly looking for other women to have sex with, not because I wasn't satisfying him, but because nothing could fill the emptiness inside him. All the women and all the sex in all the world couldn't meet his needs. He couldn't control his addiction, and neither could I. We both had to let go of that illusion in order to heal. And I knew as soon as he came clean and told me about all the lies and cheating, knew in a way that I could feel at that deep down gut level, that his actions had nothing to do with me or his love for me.

Of course, we all know that that's because I'm luckier than those other addicts' partners or I did the right thing by trying so hard or God likes me better or something like that...

Reduction Redux

Image Credit: www.bbc.co.uk

At an AA meeting recently a speaker sharing his story mentioned harm reduction and how, well, that didn't really work for him. He spoke of how he would drink until he couldn't drink any more and then, as his own form of harm reduction, he would use speed. When he couldn't use speed any more he would turn to pot. After a while when that wasn't working he would return to alcohol. His point was that it was alcohol that brought him to his knees and gave him his bottom. No one could argue that point because it was, after all, his story. But one of the discussion comments after his share was someone who stated how she appreciated him speaking of harm reduction and how for her such a model for recovery was useless. She wished someone would tell the city and other funding and recovery organizations that harm reduction was a joke... a waste of time and money. There are many times I have wanted to speak at these meetings but none more than this time. But I have made it my goal right now to just go to meetings and listen. I am there to feel good and, for now, am not looking to risk that feeling by getting up on my soap box with an opposing view. So I will do it here instead.

I understand people's frustration with the concept of harm reduction. It IS a concept that in reality doesn't fully work. On the face of it it seems that there is a permission given to use or drink in a manageable way which totally goes against the grain of a twelve step program where the basis for recovery lies in how this issue of drinking and drugging has made life unmanageable. This does seem "wrong." I have never tried harm reduction myself. Instead I chose to use about a hundred times more than I needed to just to be certain that using and me was not a combination that was going to be helpful or enjoyable in any way. But in my recovery I have witnessed many, many people who have come to the same decision I have to not use ever again by employing the harm reduction model. People I know have used this model of recovery to come to the understanding through their own experience that using isn't going to work for them no matter how hard they try and manage their use. In many cases they did not have to lose their life completely to come to this understanding. They could retain their jobs and though relationships sufferred some where not completely severed. For some this was because of the harm reduction experience. They also came to the decision to seek a better life on their own. Indisputably, if telling people that using drugs were bad for them would make them quit, life for so many would be a whole lot easier. I think everyone whose life has been touched by addiction knows that simply is not enough. So there is great value in having a path to take that will reduce the harm along the way.

Even though harm reduction is akin to being suckered into a vacation get-away only to be corralled into a sales meeting to induce one to spend money on a time share, it is a way to get the addicted on the road to a complete recovery. It does reduce not only the harm they do to themselves but also the harm done to people's families, loved ones and community. It is easier to loosen one's commitment to using or drinking if the carrot of managing their addiction is dangled in front of them. Hopefully with a little clarity that might come of this scam, people can see there is a way and that way is better. It cannot hurt more than it already does to offer up yet one more way of getting better—perhaps one that does not sting as much.

I look forward to the day when one of my amends might be, "Sorry I tricked you into getting clean."

Stepping it up

I started a 12 step writing workshop last night. We're using the book, The 12 Steps, a Way Out. I love this format. The little Naranon step study booklet just isn't enough for me to really delve into and work the steps. I love the book we're using. It has enough of a balance of people who've come before me sharing stories that sound remarkably like mine, with room for me to write my own story. As I've been working the steps with my sponsor, I've drawn from this book. What I love even more about the writing workshop is the group process. The group is not closed yet, but it will be within the next few weeks. And there's a contract for us each to sign, with agreements like, "I will be as honest as possible in all things, especially with regard to what I am learning about myself- past and present." And "I will accept any discomfort or unsettling behavior changes that I may experience as a result of working the Twelve Steps." I like the fact that as a group, we can hold each other accountable. I like using the writing process, having the freedom to make it mine, and the guidance of people who have come before me showing me a way.

I just edited the last two words above from "the" way to "a" way. I also like the fact that the book we're using is NOT titled, "THE Way Out", but "A Way Out." As a member of a number of minority groups, two of which are Jewish and Gay, I'm a firm believer that there is not just ONE way. This 12 step program is something that I choose, because it helps me. It's not the only way. But it's MY way. And I'm excited about this leg of my journey.

Rally for Recovery! Nationwide Events on September 15

Check it out!

Event: Rally for Recovery! 2007

On September 15, 2007 recovery community organizations and our allies will be hosting walks, rallies and other events to put a face and a voice on recovery and mobilize support for policies like the Paul Wellstone Mental Health and Addiction Equity Act of 2007 (H.R. 1424) that support recovery. Check out whether there's an event in your area on September 15th.

Re: A Spoon

I recently read JW's beautiful post that was used for the article in the San Diego Reader, and it is very moving. If you haven't read this yet, please go read it first, it really is a deeply moving piece of writing. It brought back strong memories of my early stages of recovery (I have been recovering or attempting to for about 10 years). I could very much relate to exactly what she was going through, and as an addict, what she was being put through. I wrote her an email to share my thought's on the post, and with the recent topic of lying (one of the ugliest parts of addiction), well, I felt that this went well with the entire topic of addiction and wanted to share it with everyone.

This is a quote from her post in reference to her asking her husband why he would use again after having been clean for a period of time:

"All he would say is that his friend asked him if he wanted to use, and he said yes, and then they got the drugs."

Here is my comment, with some added content to expand on ideas and thoughts:

I remember those times, when I first tried to recover, I would spend months clean, maybe going to meetings, maybe not. I would avoid my "friends" who were still using, even though I may have stupidly hung out with them before and not got loaded; then BHAM! "Let's get high." That's all it takes, a stupid little idea, three little words, that's it, that's all it took. Whether I had the idea alone, or I came up with it while with a friend, there is no thought process involved, the idea is formed, and immediate action is taken; this is where the addiction takes over. Any ability to think, to separate right from wrong, any bit of conscious that attempts to remind you of the past consequences of the very same decision is thrown by the way side, as the addiction takes over. If thoughts do arise questioning the decision you have just made, they are so easily dismissed, they slide so quickly to the side and are replaced with confirmation that everything will be okay, 'I'm only going to do it once, only today,' and the addiction takes over. From then on it's all muscle memory, the ability to think is lost, there are no thoughts of wifes, or girlfriends, promises and vows, no thoughts of consequences or where this decision will lead; as an addict active in addiction, it's a part of you, of who you are, it is all powerful and there is no denying it once the addiction takes over. This is why a recovery program is necessary for those early in recovery; as the AA Big Book states, we have no mental defense from taking that first drink, shot, snort, etc. (and yes, I can say this even though I am not active in a 12 step program, because I have the experience).

Reading that one sentence brought all that smashing home to me. I loved reading it, seeing where it all began for JW, reminding me that it is exactly the same place it started for me. It reminded me how human G is, and how alike we are. It also reminded me that I need to have more compassion for him, for all of my fellow addicts. He is my brother, all of you are my brothers and sisters in recovery. We share a common experience, a common bond, we all suffer from a devastating disease, one with grave consequences on our mind, body, and soul. I can't believe how outrageous I have been in being judgmental of him, and of other addicts. How dare I, honestly, how can I pass judgment on another addict, and not be looking at myself.

There is another section of the post where she talks about why her husband would have her bring him something that contained his drug paraphernalia in it:

Oh, and why he asked you to bring the shorts, I believe was his way of telling you, of giving himself up, without having to just come out and admit it. Admitting it would mean admitting to the lies and deceit that went into hiding the relapse or the addiction, it's not something an active addict is capable of; I don't believe that an active addict has the capacity for honesty when dealing with loved ones. I remember doing this so often with D, near the end of my last run; not caring that I left dope splattered all over bathroom sinks or leaving wrappers in the trash. This was never exactly a conscious decision, but a way for the man to scream for help when he is being held under by the addiction. I believe that every addict reaches a point where they no longer wish to use, but having no control over their ability to stop, to not lie about it, or to even admit they are using, or have relapsed, that the subconscious mind takes over and does things that would be against the addicts addictive nature.

Your husband is a sick man. But every day he gets by without using, he gets a little better. I am a sick man. But everyday I learn just a little, I grow just a little. Some days I make great discoveries and have mind blowing experiences, other days I feel like I am stuck, and still others I feel like I am slipping. While the symptoms of active addiction are so similar between addicts, I imagine that recovery, while taken at different paces, by different people, your husband has to be in a similar place, and it is not an easy place to be. Early recovery is filled with self loathing, guilt, and seeing the person you love the most crushed day after day, the woman who stood by you, and is still by your side, sometimes that in itself is heartbreaking and almost impossible to stand and you just want to distance yourself rather than to face that beauty, the very beauty you came so close to destroying. I think this is the reason that during early recovery it is so hard for the addict to be close, to share, to communicate with his/her partner. Until you are able to learn to let go of the guilt, and to begin rebuilding your self esteem, that you will continue to subconsciously, or even often times consciously push away the person you love. And who ever said that it's not about the significant other, it's solely about the addict, is completely right. Everything we do, every action we take, every lie we tell, has nothing personal involved. It is part of the disease. The comfort one can take in this is knowing that if the addict works at becoming well, and pushes forward out of active addiction, that their lives will begin to change, and their behavior will begin to change, and there is even the hope that one day the addict will recover. That to me is the greatest hope of all.

Thank you to JW for letting me share this here, for writing daily and sharing your experience, your strength and your hope. Reading that post from months ago, and reading everything you have written in the past several months has been exciting for me. Watching you deal with with the trials and tribulation that addiction causes and seeing you triumph and grow in the process, has been a huge inspiration to me.

Thank you to all that participate here, who write posts, and those who comment, and for all of your wonderful personal blogs. It is comforting when I am having a down day, or scared, or worried, to be able with a few mouse clicks, to find someone who is either going through the same issues, or someone who has recently gone through them, and to be able to read their experience...it's just something that is so empowering, so endearing, and I am very grateful for you all.

Hey Addicts!!

Help me understand. Is lying something I'm just supposed to accept? I get that I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street. I get that my serenity is not supposed to be affected by the addict in my life's behavior. I get that I'm supposed to just stay out of the way and let the addict suffer the consequences of her own behavior. I even get that lying and stealing are part of the disease. But it feels like when she's lying to me, the only consequence is MY sense of betrayal, MY hurt, MY feeling unsafe. I still don't know how to post links (somebody, please help me with that, too) so you'll have to find your way to my blog to see what I'm talking about.