Throw'n my will around
So I have come here to rant away about my quitting smoking. I do not call my self an addict in the heroin/alcohol sense. Whether I should or not, is not a question I can answer. Being a 'normie' has lead to believe I am not entitled to that label, as surely.... I do not know ANYTHING about real addiction. So I humbly discuss my smoking- whatever it is. I have quit a number of times for various amounts of time, the longest being two years. It keeps good timing with my addict, when he relapses... I clearly need my old faithful friend, the cigarette, around to keep my morale up.
So, I had my last smoke Sunday night. Day 3 I recognize as one of the more difficult times for me and then it slowly dissipates. But.... the flashing moments of complete pissed offness I get that I can't have a cigarette (which was really a choice I made to not have a smoke) gets a little stronger. And then, there is the calm reasoning- which is what I encountered this evening.
It is completely reasonable that I should be able to have one cigarette! So what? I would have one- no one would know, and then it would be done. I would satisfy that urge and then become clear again as to why I don't want to smoke; that, it was, in fact, a choice. Sure, in fact... having one cigarette was quickly becoming the best idea I could have had. Excellent!
It's amazing how wholly and completely the addictive voice can convince you that you are talking- and not that incessant mind fuck chatter that just WANTS WHAT IT FUCKING WANTS, that you really want something that you chose not to have....
and yes, I am wearing the patch. I have nicotine acid flowing through me like electricity- electrifying my dreams.
And still, that little voice made having a cigarette the most sound idea I ever had, a thinking woman's idea, a mature idea. Fucking Fabulous.
So... now I stink and have a horrible taste in my mouth.
whatever.....
So, I had my last smoke Sunday night. Day 3 I recognize as one of the more difficult times for me and then it slowly dissipates. But.... the flashing moments of complete pissed offness I get that I can't have a cigarette (which was really a choice I made to not have a smoke) gets a little stronger. And then, there is the calm reasoning- which is what I encountered this evening.
It is completely reasonable that I should be able to have one cigarette! So what? I would have one- no one would know, and then it would be done. I would satisfy that urge and then become clear again as to why I don't want to smoke; that, it was, in fact, a choice. Sure, in fact... having one cigarette was quickly becoming the best idea I could have had. Excellent!
It's amazing how wholly and completely the addictive voice can convince you that you are talking- and not that incessant mind fuck chatter that just WANTS WHAT IT FUCKING WANTS, that you really want something that you chose not to have....
and yes, I am wearing the patch. I have nicotine acid flowing through me like electricity- electrifying my dreams.
And still, that little voice made having a cigarette the most sound idea I ever had, a thinking woman's idea, a mature idea. Fucking Fabulous.
So... now I stink and have a horrible taste in my mouth.
whatever.....
9 comments:
I feel for you, girl. Quitting cigs sucks the big one.
Insert heroin for cig and we have the same experience.
Love to you,
Scout
I was wondering if it was AT ALL similar... ya never know.
Does that qualify me then? Can I not be labled a NORMIE?
Babe, you are definitely not a normie no matter what you think.
Love,
Scout
and don't forget to insert methadone or suboxone for nicotine patch, too.
;-)
My a says that according to everything she's heard, nicotine is the hardest addiction to let go of.
Scout, that is just too funny. and don't forget to insert methadone or suboxone for nicotine patch, too.
Goodness.
the things you say. girl, you just crack me up.
I feel for ya, Im smoking right now, and I have no desire to quit. More power to ya, cause I sure as hell can't do it. I try every morning--LOL.
I sometimes wonder what the tobacco addicts would do (self included) if it were suddenly illegalized (as it HAS been incidentally in 1 country of the world! Bhutan!!)...
... i DON'T think hardly anyone would go out robbing banks etc to get super expensive black market cigs bc they simply don't do enough FOR you addiction-wise and the withdrawals are NOTHING on heroin trust me...
anyway this is a great blog you got here, come by mine someday
http://gledwood2.blogspot.com is the place to be - my daily confessional!
See you there maybe!
All the best
from
Gledwood
"vol 2" ...
The physical addiction to niccotine is supposed to be as severe as the one to opiates. My smoking habit shot through the roof when I gave up speed. And quitting smoking is on my list but there are a number of things that have more weight before it. For now, I am always in a state of smoking, meditation, eating or preparing something to eat. Sprinkle in a few acts of writing, schooling and dog-walking and that's my day in a nut shell.
Good for you. It's ahard thing to do but you are enveloped within a community who supports you.
Maybe it's a good thing to learn...to remember during the next round of roller coaster.
Yuck.
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