Re: A Spoon

I recently read JW's beautiful post that was used for the article in the San Diego Reader, and it is very moving. If you haven't read this yet, please go read it first, it really is a deeply moving piece of writing. It brought back strong memories of my early stages of recovery (I have been recovering or attempting to for about 10 years). I could very much relate to exactly what she was going through, and as an addict, what she was being put through. I wrote her an email to share my thought's on the post, and with the recent topic of lying (one of the ugliest parts of addiction), well, I felt that this went well with the entire topic of addiction and wanted to share it with everyone.

This is a quote from her post in reference to her asking her husband why he would use again after having been clean for a period of time:

"All he would say is that his friend asked him if he wanted to use, and he said yes, and then they got the drugs."

Here is my comment, with some added content to expand on ideas and thoughts:

I remember those times, when I first tried to recover, I would spend months clean, maybe going to meetings, maybe not. I would avoid my "friends" who were still using, even though I may have stupidly hung out with them before and not got loaded; then BHAM! "Let's get high." That's all it takes, a stupid little idea, three little words, that's it, that's all it took. Whether I had the idea alone, or I came up with it while with a friend, there is no thought process involved, the idea is formed, and immediate action is taken; this is where the addiction takes over. Any ability to think, to separate right from wrong, any bit of conscious that attempts to remind you of the past consequences of the very same decision is thrown by the way side, as the addiction takes over. If thoughts do arise questioning the decision you have just made, they are so easily dismissed, they slide so quickly to the side and are replaced with confirmation that everything will be okay, 'I'm only going to do it once, only today,' and the addiction takes over. From then on it's all muscle memory, the ability to think is lost, there are no thoughts of wifes, or girlfriends, promises and vows, no thoughts of consequences or where this decision will lead; as an addict active in addiction, it's a part of you, of who you are, it is all powerful and there is no denying it once the addiction takes over. This is why a recovery program is necessary for those early in recovery; as the AA Big Book states, we have no mental defense from taking that first drink, shot, snort, etc. (and yes, I can say this even though I am not active in a 12 step program, because I have the experience).

Reading that one sentence brought all that smashing home to me. I loved reading it, seeing where it all began for JW, reminding me that it is exactly the same place it started for me. It reminded me how human G is, and how alike we are. It also reminded me that I need to have more compassion for him, for all of my fellow addicts. He is my brother, all of you are my brothers and sisters in recovery. We share a common experience, a common bond, we all suffer from a devastating disease, one with grave consequences on our mind, body, and soul. I can't believe how outrageous I have been in being judgmental of him, and of other addicts. How dare I, honestly, how can I pass judgment on another addict, and not be looking at myself.

There is another section of the post where she talks about why her husband would have her bring him something that contained his drug paraphernalia in it:

Oh, and why he asked you to bring the shorts, I believe was his way of telling you, of giving himself up, without having to just come out and admit it. Admitting it would mean admitting to the lies and deceit that went into hiding the relapse or the addiction, it's not something an active addict is capable of; I don't believe that an active addict has the capacity for honesty when dealing with loved ones. I remember doing this so often with D, near the end of my last run; not caring that I left dope splattered all over bathroom sinks or leaving wrappers in the trash. This was never exactly a conscious decision, but a way for the man to scream for help when he is being held under by the addiction. I believe that every addict reaches a point where they no longer wish to use, but having no control over their ability to stop, to not lie about it, or to even admit they are using, or have relapsed, that the subconscious mind takes over and does things that would be against the addicts addictive nature.

Your husband is a sick man. But every day he gets by without using, he gets a little better. I am a sick man. But everyday I learn just a little, I grow just a little. Some days I make great discoveries and have mind blowing experiences, other days I feel like I am stuck, and still others I feel like I am slipping. While the symptoms of active addiction are so similar between addicts, I imagine that recovery, while taken at different paces, by different people, your husband has to be in a similar place, and it is not an easy place to be. Early recovery is filled with self loathing, guilt, and seeing the person you love the most crushed day after day, the woman who stood by you, and is still by your side, sometimes that in itself is heartbreaking and almost impossible to stand and you just want to distance yourself rather than to face that beauty, the very beauty you came so close to destroying. I think this is the reason that during early recovery it is so hard for the addict to be close, to share, to communicate with his/her partner. Until you are able to learn to let go of the guilt, and to begin rebuilding your self esteem, that you will continue to subconsciously, or even often times consciously push away the person you love. And who ever said that it's not about the significant other, it's solely about the addict, is completely right. Everything we do, every action we take, every lie we tell, has nothing personal involved. It is part of the disease. The comfort one can take in this is knowing that if the addict works at becoming well, and pushes forward out of active addiction, that their lives will begin to change, and their behavior will begin to change, and there is even the hope that one day the addict will recover. That to me is the greatest hope of all.

Thank you to JW for letting me share this here, for writing daily and sharing your experience, your strength and your hope. Reading that post from months ago, and reading everything you have written in the past several months has been exciting for me. Watching you deal with with the trials and tribulation that addiction causes and seeing you triumph and grow in the process, has been a huge inspiration to me.

Thank you to all that participate here, who write posts, and those who comment, and for all of your wonderful personal blogs. It is comforting when I am having a down day, or scared, or worried, to be able with a few mouse clicks, to find someone who is either going through the same issues, or someone who has recently gone through them, and to be able to read their experience...it's just something that is so empowering, so endearing, and I am very grateful for you all.