I am in shock
Hello all!!!
I posted before about where my head is, and I thought I found it, until today. I got home from work, and my oldest told me that parole called. PAROLE!! THEY FUCKING CALLED!!!
I have to call the woman back tomorrow, like as in day after now! He could be home in a month, home, here with me! DO YOU HEAR ME???? Home!! Here!!!!
I'm sitting here stuttering while typing. I'm not sure how I am doing that, but I am. I am full of butterflies inside, but some of them are scared. This is just so unreal. All this time, all the tears, all the fights, all the everything, now it is time to "put up or shut up" Why do I feel like running away?? Why am I so scared??? Has it really been over 3 years already?? Really??
Part of me is so ready, I am ready to put this bullshit behind me. Behind all of us. I am sure you all can imagine all the good things I am thinking and feeling. I can handle those, but these bad one's, I'm not so sure about.
How can I be afraid of my husband coming home? How do I deal with this? My God, here come the tears. All of the sudden, all the bad things he has done are right front and center. All of them. I'm past these things, or at least I thought I was. I mean, yes, I hate that what he did put us in a shelter for over a year, but hey, we have a home now. One that I must say, is pretty damn nice for me getting on my own. I hate all the things he stole from me, from our kids, but that was his addiction. I get that. How horrible of a wife am I??
I am so scared of losing everything. I can't do this again. I can't start over again. I have waited so long for him to come home. I truly love him. I miss him terribly. I miss his strong arms, yet now, I am scared. I am scared that once his arms are around me, I give up the life I have now. I have friends now, I'm talking real with-me-till-the-end friends. Not like his friends, who by the way are all gone and have been gone since day one of lock up. We are involved in our community, with the sports, the schools, we volunteer for things now. We are all so happy with the town we live in. We are settled here. We have a real life here. What if we lose it? What if he messes up, and takes everything from us?
Now I feel guilty for thinking this way. I feel like a bad wife. Like I am not understanding of him. Oh God, this just sucks. I am in a bad place right now, and that scares me.
6 comments:
That's really, really hard. I know that the right thing to do is to try really hard to find that space between hope for the best and expectations that are unrealistic...and that's hard for me, in my daily life with my man. I know it's got to be damned near impossible when he's not been home.
You strike me as a woman who knows how to take care of herself, though...so I'm hoping that you will call on the resources that must be pretty strong after having him be away for so long. No matter what happens with him, you know that you will be ok. You have proven that you know how to be ok through three years of having him away.
I hope it all works out for you, though, no matter what!
I don't blame you for being scared! It's a little scary any time we see someone after a long absence -- and the way that threatens to disrupt our lives -- but there's so much more for you. It sounds like you are in the best place possible -- connected to the community and stable. I don't think you'll let him take that away from you this time.
Its normal to be feeling the way your feeling. Just take it a step at atime and see what happens. Your thinking like what if this ans what if that just take in stride hunny!
Wow, all this stuff we have talked about over the months is about to come true for you two. Holy crap, N!
Scared is o.k, N. It really is o.k. It doesn't mean anything bad or negative. It's natural and probably really normal. We just don't recognize that stuff as junkys.
Let me know if I can do anything for you. I'm back from my trip and here to listen if you need.
Peace,
Scout
i hope everything works out for the best
Your honesty really blows me away. All the feelings you have make sense to me. One thing I'm trying to work on is processing through the feelings as they come instead of bottling them. Man, you just keep on showing me how it's done. I wish you serenity, courage, wisdom, and peace.
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