Hey Addicts!!
Help me understand. Is lying something I'm just supposed to accept? I get that I'm supposed to stay on my side of the street. I get that my serenity is not supposed to be affected by the addict in my life's behavior. I get that I'm supposed to just stay out of the way and let the addict suffer the consequences of her own behavior. I even get that lying and stealing are part of the disease. But it feels like when she's lying to me, the only consequence is MY sense of betrayal, MY hurt, MY feeling unsafe. I still don't know how to post links (somebody, please help me with that, too) so you'll have to find your way to my blog to see what I'm talking about.
9 comments:
Of course, an addict doesn't respond first. A nerdy codie does. Let ME tell you how it's done!
To post links, highlight the words you want to be your anchor text, and then, there's this little thing in the toolbar above where you write that looks like an infinity symbol. It will let you put the link in.
And on lying...I'm right there with you sometimes, but today is ok, so I'm able to think differently about lies than when I'm struggling with them. But I'm finding that when I look for him to be lying, then I am crazier. He lies. He has always lied. He will continue to lie. He's working on it. I just have to protect myself and my stuff, and hopefully, it'll all work out.
But god, they do sting. Some of that shit just comes up and comes up, like tidal waves.
I can't wait to hear what the addicts have to say...when they get done lookin' pretty and smilin' and all that stuff they do that makes them so wonderful...
Once I finally, and I mean REALLY, got what addiction was and how stupidly sick I was, then the lies (while still hurting something awful) made sense. You know, on stuff like this, lying, I really relied on the wisdom of the revoering addicts here. Reading their perspectives made some of my anger go away. It really helped. TDA and Scout and EJ, and all of them, they really helped me more than they know. I am such a good codie.
Married to My Ex
Another codie b4 and addict... Hmm. Is this a trend?
Lying sucks, but MPJ had a post about trust... you post made me think about it. She wrote that she could always trust that 'he/she' would fuck up, or lie... It was beautiful- I shouldn't try and recreate it. Go to Room of Mama's own, it's one of her top posts... hang on, I will find it...
there, did you miss me? Here it is
http://mamampj.blogspot.com/2007/04/new-kind-of-trust.html
It was/is a beautiful bell ringer
Why are you even asking the addicts? Clearly only codies know the answers. Four of us have clocked in before a single one of the beautiful, beautiful addicts.
And check Mantra out, citing me! I've also got that post about lies -- the one about the haircut given to a cat. (I'm nerd enough to know how to code that link in, baby.)
But I know you've read my stuff -- and it's not like I'm the be all and end all of ultimate codie wisdom anyway. It sounds like you get what the lying's about intellectually. It's just the wrapping your mind around it all emotionally. And that's the hardest part. Because, as I said on your blog, it sucks -- nothing hurts worse. Bleh!
Thanks, codies. I really do feel the love. AND I really DO wanna hear from the addicts. Did I piss you all off with the question, or are you all otherwise engaged on a Friday night?
Ya, Friday's are our super secret addict meetings, where we all get together and come up with new and exciting lies to tell you instead of the tired old smelly ones.
Not to poke light of your situation, but you're question was answered by the right people, the ones on the other end of our lies. They are the ones with the wisdom and strength to deal with us and all of the garbage that comes out of our mouths.
It amazes me how we can take something so simple, and garble it all up into something that is so convoluted and twisted and beyond belief, but yet it makes perfect sense to us that the cat did in fact dig up that used needle, and must have drug it into my sneaker that was hiding way in the back of my closet. Or I honestly didn't believe by asking you to bring me my pants which contained my rig and spoon, and telling over and over that it was something special and not to look, that you would ever in a million years look in the pockets and discover my "secret."
In fact, while using, and for a short while after the drugs removed, the lies still came, and I got so totally entrenched in my lies, and they had to be so convincing so that someone might believe them, that I actually believed them myself. It's the edge it gives an addict in convincing someone else of their bullshit.
No, I don't think it's fair that you allow us to continue to lie. Personally I believe some type of boundaries in this area are needed for the spouse of an addict, as I can't see a single reason that once the truth is known between two people, why the s/o should continue to suffer through the lies.
However, this is where the men and women here, who are in your position can be the most helpful. I have the experience of being the one who lies, not the one who has to deal with it, and it looks like you have gotten valuable advice already.
I swear. Honestly. I promise. This time I swear. Really, I am sorry. It will be different this time. I promise not to do it again. Honey, you don't know what you are talking about. Are you insane, of course not. Any story an addict tells you, that contains any of those words, is most likely a lie. Don't rely on the words of an addict, look to his or her actions.
Hmmmmmmm, good post. I can only tell you that, for me, the lies were second nature. Not proud of them, or excusing them. But for me Me + drugs = LIES. That simple. It was my disease. I would do anything, say anything to get high. Is it right? No, but it is true. Half the time, once I got high, I totally forgot the lies I even told, would go home, wondering why everyone was all pissed off--why?? Because my end result was reached, I was high. I didn't care about the rest.
Now, being clean, dealing with my hubby's addiction, hell, I still get pissed over the past lies. Even though I did the same damn thing. I get hurt, insulted by the stupidity of the lies. Like I am not smart enough to figure out that the car only breaks down every time HE drove it!! Although, I had many many nights of the "battery dying", "tires blowing out". (I wasn't even smart enought to wash the damn tires before I went home)
I am sure this doesn't help, but it is an honest responce from a recovering addict, married to a recovering addict.
One more thing, the lies are never personal. Again, for me only, it was about the addiction. Love has nothing to do with it at all. It isn't about you, or him really, its all about the mistress of getting high. We end up loving the drugs more than anything.
For me, it was like an affair. I loved my drugs more than anyone. I had to be true to "him", I had to have him in my body, running through me. At any cost. Lies were nothing, as long as I got high. It became who I was, all of it. All the horrible things I did, said, thought. It was part of my make-up once the drugs got a hold of my system. I felt like, almost like I was supposed to do these things. It doesn't make sense, I know, but it is one of those things that just is.
Its hard now dealing with all the sins I have committed. But day by day I try. I can give it an Honest try, and for me that is a huge thing.
I second what IW said and it's exactly what I was gonna say -- first and foremost, the lying is never personal -- its part of the addiction. We lie even though we love just as fiercely as we lie. And one love can't conquer this thing -- only a whole program of love can.
No, you do not have the actual lies, but the behavior of the lying is something that will be with her for a bit. You can ask that she work a program and work on honesty in that program (H.O.W.)and try to move forward together on some sort of spiritual path.
Email me if you want to talk more, k?
Love,
Scout
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