Shameless Plug For The Suboxone Help Spot

I know that ideally The Write Thought shouldn't be used as a way of plugging things but...I'm doing it anyway.

I wanted to let everyone know about a new site that I have started called The Suboxone Help Spot. This Suboxone support forum has been created in hopes of becoming a place where those who are currently on a Suboxone treatment program, those thinking about starting a Suboxone treatment program, and the family and friends of both can come and find reliable, accurate information and most importantly...support.

On my own site I kind of shot down the use of Suboxone without a strong recovery program and I realized that all I was doing was pointing out the problem without offering any kind of solution. So this is my way of being part of the solution.

Any help I can get in spreading the word about this site would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.

God of my lack of understanding

Cross Posted from my blog:

I'm working Step 7, and one thing that tripped me up for a minute is my lack of understanding of God. In step 2, I was able to come to believe in a power greater than myself. I believe in the power of the 12 step program. I see it work and I know it works for me. I believe in the power of the people in the program reaching out and supporting each other. I believe in the power of belief, regardless of what the particular belief is. I believe that believing in whatever an individual believes in makes the individual better and stronger. In step 3, I did an exercize that really worked for me. I listed the people in my life over the years and the gifts that each one gave to me. Then I wrote a list of all of those gifts, and and did a meditation on all of these gifts as a kaleidoscope of gifts all coming from my higher power. I've done that exercize twice now over the years when working the steps, and it works for me. I even did a dialogue with the God of my lack of understanding, and while I can't say I understood, I know good things came of it. In step 5, I admitted to the God of my lack of understanding the exact nature of my wrongs. Again, I used the exercize of the workbook I'm using. I said it out loud. Then I looked in the mirror and said it out loud again to myself. Step 6 took a while, but I became entirely ready to have my character defects removed. I can't say I'm understanding God any better, but I trust the process.

I don't believe that everything is preordained. I don't believe that God makes every decision. I don't believe that God chooses evil and that there's some purpose for everything, that terrible things happen in order for some good to come. I DO believe that everything, even the terrible stuff that does happen, can lead to growth and that good things can come. I don't believe that if I pray right, then I'll get right answers. I do believe that whatever comes can be to my highest good. I can and do see gifts when I look for them. I got an amazing spiritual gift of another recovery tool yesterday when I really needed it.

All of that makes that prayer thing confusing for me. But yet again, I'm acting as if. Last night, and again this morning in the shower, I prayed, out loud, for God to remove all of my defects of character. I listed each one I know of, and I asked for help identifying those I haven't figured out yet. I guess, yet again, I'm coming to believe that I don't have to understand.

The Return of the Thin White Duke...or sickgirl finally reconnected her internet...

And she is back...not with a bang but a whimper! Kidding. Finally, I’ve gotten off of my lazy arse and had the internet reconnected at our new place. I suppose that its been long overdue as I’m rapidly nearing my two month anniversary at my new job. My how very easily time manages to slip away.

All is extremely well in my little part of the world although a little bit on the busy side but I honestly prefer it this way rather than the other. Idle hands and all...My new job has been going spectacularly well which definitely has been an extremely pleasant and welcome surprise considering how shattered leaving the previous one had left me. Even though I was having my share of real negative and depressing thoughts regarding the whole employment situation barely two months ago, I managed to keep my head above water and did not succumb to temptation. Yes, there were some floating thoughts in that particular direction because that would have been an easy way out but these thoughts managed to float on by. I knew that in the long term this would have done no one any favors so it was surprisingly easy to ignore the short term temptations.

I wish that I had a bit more time right now to really post a proper update but I’ve got to run as it is starting to get late and although I don’t have to get up at an indecent hour for work, I do have to meet my Mother in the morning for a bit of shopping and lunch and I want to be in fighting form. The last thing I want to look like when we meet is all haggard and tired cause I’m not up for one of her lectures, blah, blah, blah. It can most definitely be a bit on the petty side on my part, but because of our history I usually ensure that I’m looking better than fine whenever we get together. This is a story for another day so for now, you’ll just have to use your imaginations although I’m sure there is another daughter out there with an identical type of mother who knows of what I speak!!!

P.S. I’ve also added the identical entry to my own site - two birds, one stone...Have also been trying to catch up on what has been happening with everyone these past couple of months plus become familiar with our newest additions. Am looking forward to having a chance to get to know everyone much better this year as well. Already I’m getting good vibes that this will be a promising year. Sweet.

Annus Mirabilis

I'm a stubborn boy. I do not yield easily. Every time I had a negative consequence because of my addiction I quickly pushed it aside in favor of a new strategy that would enable me to keep using. I was "not able to bring into mind with sufficient force the humiliation and suffering" of my present moment. I had prayed for a long time that somehow I'd be able to manage it; somehow be able to be an addict and still have a life. When I realized that such a thing was not possible, I prayed in earnest for God to let my life end. I have found that most people in recovery had a similar, profound pain.

People say to be careful what we pray for. I don't know what they are talking about. I prayed that God would end my life and He did. Just not the way I hoped for. You see, I had hoped that I would simply not wake up one morning, or perhaps I'd get hit by a bus. I hoped that it wouldn't be to painful. I would have done the job myself but I didn't have the courage.

Prayers are heard and prayers are answered. I prayed for my life to end and it ended. Today I have a different life. By using some simple tools taught to me in the loving fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and by the grace of an all merciful and loving Creator, I have gone to bed at night and gotten up in the morning, sober, for one year today.

The age of miracles is, indeed, upon us.

Welcome to the Jungle....well, maybe "not so much"

Hello, friends & family,
I'm so happy to join you; Let me introduce myself!
I have been an aspiring "humanoid" for just a bit more than 15 years, by the grace of God. Aspiring...? You may ask. Well, as opposed to the alienated and pseudo-isolated life of an active addict. My drug of choice was "MORE", and I have used every chemical that was presented to me at the time (most of them more than once.) On Thanksgiving of 1992, I had what they call a "Moment of Clarity", and it's been a really crazy ride ever since!
I am blessed to have been given two children, B & E. They are both boys, both rambunctious as anyone ever was, and really good kids when you get right down to it. I have inflicted my own understanding of family relations upon them, and I try to learn every day how to do it better. This is my attempt at "Living Amends". My extended family consists of Mom and my brother, N, & his family.
Currently I am taking courses at a local Community College, in pursuit of a degree in Substance Abuse Counseling. When I'm not there, or in the Blogosphere/Internet, I can be found either at the "Great"-Will store, or the closest flea market. If my church were open more often, I'd be there more, but what can I say, they haven't yet caught my vision for 5 + services a week. :o)
It's getting late, now, so I have to cut this short. I'm a novice at the blogging thing, so I hope you will all bare with me. Blessings and hugs,
abbiegrrl

Let's Give The Write Thought Welcome Too...

As senior members of The Write Thought know, the site has gone through a lull. I don't think there is any real reason why other than we are people with lives, we are busy, and we can't always post on our own sites and also this community site.

That's why it makes me smile to recognize a little bit of a pick up on the site. Over the past few months we have added some new writers who are able to give some fresh perspectives.

I wanted to take a moment and introduce these new writers (many of whom have already posted to the site so I'm a little behind the times). So I'll give you their names (In no particular order) and their individual blogs. It would be nice if we could all get to know each other a little better and a big part of that would be to check out their personal blogs.

• Recovering Wino - Thorn In My Side
• Texaco - The Last Chance Texaco
• Athena - Mom VS Heroin
• Abbiegrrl - Cross Addicted
• Pat - Child Lost

More than likely we have happened upon each other's blogs already. But in the off chance that we have not...check `em out. That goes for the newer members too. Peruse the list of personal blogs for all of the writers associated with this site. You may find someone that you can really identify with.

Who Am I

I am a mother who has raised three sons in which one fell into the pits of hell called the "Drug World". I have enabled, protected, covered up, then detached and learned to let go. Through his battle, I never gave up the hope, that one day he would beat this thing. I had to learn how to love without enabling, listen without judging, care without protecting and to this day, I continue to do all these things with the help of God and my program known as Al-Anon.

It has been an incredible road to self discovery as I learned to use all the tools available to me. It is the reason why I started the website http://childlost.blogspot.com/. It is the reason why I went to Al-Anon. It is the reason why I went back to college for a degree in Behavioral Health & Counseling. It is the reason why I am who I am today, a person whom I actually like.

When my son first started on that road called "Addiction", I did everything in my power to keep it a "Secret" for fear that my family would be viewed by others as being "Less Than".

You see, I had this problem called "Perfection" where I wanted to present to the outside world that my little family was that perfect Norman Rockwell family where everything was good and pure and oh so perfect. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my family, therefore my world was not so perfect. Imagine my surprise when after years of covering and hiding his addiction, that I discovered there were those out there who did not judge as well as those out there who could not judge enough.

My son is an opiate addict. He started down this road when he was 16 years old with percocet prescribed to him following major back surgery. What I did not know was after his prescription ran out, he started to purchase it out on the street. By the time he was 18 years old, he switched to Oxycontin then while in rehab, he met a cute little petite thing who introduced him to heroin. His life went from bad to worse overnight.

For those of you who know anyone with a heroin addiction, you know what that life entails so I won't go into all the little details just yet. Just know, I have seen my son in and out of detox programs, rehab facilities, intensive outpatient programs and various recovery houses to his present day methadone maintenance.

The last three years have been especially difficult. If you want to read about this journey, you can start at the beginning at my blog http://childlost.blogspot.com/.

My limited understanding...

I am struggling with my daughter's addiction to heroin, and I am past trying to understand why she started using in the first place... The big question now is why can't she stop? Why won't she go to rehab? Why does she insist on trying to do it herself, go through a painful withdrawal, only to start using again...

I'm a smoker, and I have been "planning" to quit for quite a while now - I started smoking when I was 12 years old, to be "cool." I've quit before, but never more than a few weeks, and each time I started up again, it was harder to quit. My identical twin sister had half of a lung removed last January - lung cancer - even though she had not smoked for 6 months. That really hit home for me... And still, I smoke.

I know all of the reasons for quitting, and I actually believe that I CAN quit, now. I have a nicitrol inhaler, I have nicorette gum, I have an Rx for Chantix... I want to live to a ripe old age without being unable to breathe. So, my main hold up is... I really like to smoke.

I'm wondering if my addiction to nicotine is similar to my daughter's addiction to heroin in this small way? I have all of the tools, support and medical understanding - to kick NICOTINE... But. But. But, it's not really that easy - even with a different method of receiving the drug, it's the habit that's hard to quit, else it would be as easy as slapping a patch on my arm and going on my merry way.

I'm nervous about quitting smoking - I keep putting it off - It's a big part of who I am. It's a comfort. She's nervous about quitting heroin, maybe, for the same reasons? How do I reach her?

I really need to quit smoking - set a date and DO IT. That won't impress her, but I will gain so much more in quitting than the isolating comfort I get from smoking my cigarettes. Wish me luck.

More than just counting the notches on the bed post . . .

Yes. I'm talking about sex inventory. I've been procrastinating on that final part of my 4th step and I am sure the reason is something more than that I am lazy. God gives us what we need when we need it, right? So it must be time. When I went to bed a couple of nights ago the parade of men that have waltzed, raced, smashed their way through my life suddenly took and held my thoughts for hours. I've been having trouble remembering things recently, things like what time I have to go to work, but that night I remembered the name of the man I lost my virginity to. "Lost" is really the wrong word. Killed and buried in the night without remorse is more accurate.

Then came the one I loved and, I believe, the only one who loved me; the one year summit of my success at relationships. That bitter-sweet memory was quickly followed with my 21 year history of mistakes of varying magnitude; the one who liked to beat me up, the one I used for his money, the woman I married, and the years and years spent one month here, two months there; wrestling with men who never quite fit. Finally, perhaps most importantly, the IFX. I never knew that I could hurt that bad. I never knew that, to me, love feels like loneliness, loss, abuse and a warm body. His disappearance on my birthday was the turning point for me. That pain and that prayer delivered me to the place where God gave me my first step.

I've found my pen. I've got out my Big Book and notebook. And now I'm going to balk over the whole thing for another few hours while I go see a movie. Because I'm a spiritual giant. Not. I haven't picked it up because I'm afraid and ashamed and I lack faith that God will lead me to better things. There. I said it. But I believe with my whole heart that God has a plan, a purpose and a destiny for me to grow, however haltingly, in His own likeness and image and that means doing the work. So I'll do the work. I'll let you know how it turns out.

It Really Is A New Year

On New Year's Day I could always be found recovering from New Year's Eve. It was just a given that I would have gotten so fucked up the night before that my body would need to spend the ENTIRE next day recovering from being on the verge of alcohol poisoning.

Since this was my first New Year's Eve/Day in recovery I was very surprised to find myself where I was on New Year's Day...out sledding with my son. I know! What? Erin, sledding? Yes.

Last year at this time I had no control over myself regarding my Oxycontin addiction. Rationally I would know that Oxy's and large amounts of alcohol DO NOT mix but that usually did not stop me.

You could be certain that not too far into the night I would have to be brought home because I could hardly keep myself conscious and that further into the night you could find me sleeping on a pile of dirty clothes in front of my toilet...I was all about convenience.

Not a very glamorous way to ring in the new year right? Then, as I explained before, I would spend the entire next day feeling like I was going to die.

Not this year baby! It's with great relief that I tell you this year I didn't have to deal with havoc that drugs caused in my life. The only thing that I had to do was go out with my husband and son and celebrate the beginning of a fresh year. Sledding seemed appropriate since we just got a few fresh inches of snow dumped on us.

I'm hoping everyone had a happy and safe New Year's Eve/Day.