Annus Mirabilis

I'm a stubborn boy. I do not yield easily. Every time I had a negative consequence because of my addiction I quickly pushed it aside in favor of a new strategy that would enable me to keep using. I was "not able to bring into mind with sufficient force the humiliation and suffering" of my present moment. I had prayed for a long time that somehow I'd be able to manage it; somehow be able to be an addict and still have a life. When I realized that such a thing was not possible, I prayed in earnest for God to let my life end. I have found that most people in recovery had a similar, profound pain.

People say to be careful what we pray for. I don't know what they are talking about. I prayed that God would end my life and He did. Just not the way I hoped for. You see, I had hoped that I would simply not wake up one morning, or perhaps I'd get hit by a bus. I hoped that it wouldn't be to painful. I would have done the job myself but I didn't have the courage.

Prayers are heard and prayers are answered. I prayed for my life to end and it ended. Today I have a different life. By using some simple tools taught to me in the loving fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and by the grace of an all merciful and loving Creator, I have gone to bed at night and gotten up in the morning, sober, for one year today.

The age of miracles is, indeed, upon us.

Make Your Mark With Magic

In response to JW's magic, I think girls are magic in ways that have nothing to do with their anatomy. I mean I have to believe this because that aspect of them holds no magic for me. None-the-less, I love all girls, women, dames and gals. But most of all, I love moms. They don't make babies; they have babies. And they have them for the rest of their lives despite having to take a bad rap for growing egg-less with age and whether or not the kid ever grows up. Even a gay guy can appreciate the enormity of that. This might make me a mamma's boy but girls have magic in spades as far as I am concerned.

But then, so do boys. Boys are sometimes wistful creatures whose petulance knows no bounds. They are tolerated in doses because that kind of magic is short lasting—very, very short if you ask me. Other times, boys are dedicated power mongers who cannot seem to live life unless they are winning... at everything, even if they have to cheat. Hence the reputation for angriness, stubbornness and sheer audacity. Perhaps this is because they can make babies but they cannot have them. (This is not about any gender's ability to buy babies. That does not count) Perhaps it is because they cannot always see the big picture no matter how much they distance themselves. Regardless, boy magic is often cheap and lasts much less longer than their virility.

The abundance of choices for boys, guys and dudes seems ironically tied to their following a predestined path when, many times, it's the girls who end up with more choices because they have more problems to solve from said lack there of. Is that magic or what? Yes times have changed and the choices are a little more equitable in that area of distribution—at least in our part of the world. But boys still seem have to win even if they have to fake it and girls still seem to have to see the big picture and sometimes fake something a little differently (or so some say). Otherwise we all seem to lose. And that's not magic at all.

Beating our addiction is a hard thing to do. It's also a hard thing to help the one's we love to do. But not using is not nearly enough. Not for me. I didn't give up my early death to be saddled with a life I cannot enjoy. And at this stage in my life, it's going to take some magic for that not happen.

Mark my words. I will have a magical life.