Question

What happen to Scout? I am concerned. Thanks.

First Job in my ACTUAL field!!!

Yes! Today, I am going to have the first opportunity to experience being a true, honest, hundred percent employed "CVC Supervisor"! For those who might not know, this means that when a decision has been made for parents to have "supervised" visitation with their children, I get to help. There will be families who are using our services under duress, and those who are coming to our program of their own accord. Either way, the point is, that I will be helping to provide a safe place for the families to begin what will hopefully end in reconciliation.
There were 3 other women who began this job at the same time as I, and we seem to be from rather different backgrounds. I grinned to myself when our boss said that we all brought different things to the table, very important skills and gifts, etc. I'm quite certain I am the only one of us with an extensive history of drug use and abuse! One of the ladies is a recent graduate of a local college, another is head of another "social services organization", and I'm not certain, but the 4th might just be a "Normie". :o)
I'm not sure what I've told the boys, but after church this morning the older one was asking me things like "Are you going to have any kind of weapons there with you, like in case the parents get out of hand?" Then he went into asking if I might be able to get a Taser?!
Like I said, I'm not sure what I've said to them previously. Apparently I mentioned the possibility of there being trouble, but I suppose I ought to have been a bit more careful about my choice of wording.
Truth is, I don't know if there will be any "excitement". I know it's going to involve a lot of tearful children and potentially some rather upset parents, but as far as anything I might have to intervene in, only God knows. I'm guessing that my background as an addict, added in with the classes in Crisis Intervention and the rest of the "Substance Abuse" curriculum are the main things that I uniquely bring to the place. I certainly look forward to the people-watching I'm in for. I can't remember a time when observing folks hasn't been tres intriguing to me.
Oh, the other thing I'll be doing, as well as watching and listening, is taking notes on anything "note-worthy". I don't know how I will approach all this, considering that each situation will be a different set of circumstances. But for the court-appointed ones, I'll probably go into it letting them think I'm easily fooled. I know better than most (well, most Normies, for sure)how easily a person can put on an act for outsiders, in order to get what they want. The lessons in manipulation and subtle abuse techniques that I experienced from marital experiment #1 have never left me. I am grateful for them, today. Wow. That's so crazy. The Alcoholics Anonymous big Book talks about things that will happen as we go along this journey called recovery, and one of them goes like this:

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to close the door on it."

I can't say that I don't regret the abuse I've been through, but I can see how God has faithfully turned it into something that we can use for good. And, frankly, if I can help a child to get out of that kind of existence, and/or prevent it from happening in just one family, then it WAS worth it.
Most of the time, if there has been a decree of "Supervised Visitation", it's safe to say that SOMEONE has made some poor decisions, at least. More than likely, I'm going to wager a guess that most of the time it is the case. Not having begun this job, yet, I guess I'll have to report later whether this is the case or not.
But I'm really excited about it!

Oh, and I've been checking out an online introduction thingy, too. Made one new friend,I think. I have to tell you this joke, while I'm thinking of it---and it DOES NOT apply, here, tyvm:

How can you tell when a couple of addicts are on their second date?
Have you heard this one???

By the Moving truck outside.
ROFL!!!!

Oh, you liked it, admit it!!
ciao,
abbie

Dealing With Our Emotions

Addicts and Alcoholics are notorious for not wanting to talk about what's bothering them. When they were using, they couldn't talk about their problems for fear someone would discover how severe their addiction was. They may have learned early in life that problems were not to be discussed openly. Opening up may lead to manipulation or rejection by others. Many have used chemicals to cope with the every day feelings.

Learning to talk about feelings is a critical part of recovery. To remain clean & sober, one must learn the skills to deal with feelings. Failure to deal with feelings leads right back to chemical use. When someone is troubled, they should seek out other people in recovery and share their feelings whether they be of shame. guilt, anger or fear. This takes the burden off your shoulders and generally leads to some worthwhile positive feedback. It may be necessary to discuss these feelings with many different people as to reduce the level of these emotions.

Sometimes it is necessary to make changes in your life. You need to learn how to identify the problems that need to be dealt with. For instance, anger and resentment plays a major role in addictive behavior. Anger is not the issue. Unresolved anger is the issue. When anger is left unresolved then resentment sets in. Resentment is the major cause of relapse. Resentment is the the opposite of forgiveness and it keeps you stuck at the point of pain. Resentment does not hurt anyone else but the person holding on to it. Blaming others enables you to hold onto resentment. It gives you the excuse to not change.

Anger begins when we believe we have been treated unfairly. Then, it is stuffed deep within and we tell ourselves we have dealt with the emotion. The problem is this anger that is stuffed deep inside the emotional backpack, we carry around with us just turns into depression. Eventually, the anger that has turned into resentment that has turned into depression needs to be relieved so it is done by using drugs and/or alcohol.

How many of us have allowed our problems/emotions take over in our minds? We allow them to roll over and over in our mind and as the thoughts keep rolling around the anger festers, resentment increases and depression overwhelms. Obsession takes over and comfort is required so pop a pill, take a drink, do whatever to avoid feeling rotten.

Then there is fear and worry. Fear is a normal emotion that if used properly moves us forward and creates joy. If left unchecked it can block a person in recovery. Most in recovery especially early recovery are afraid of living as a sober person.
Up to this point, an addictive person learned that the best way to be safe and free from fear was to try and control everything around them. For an addict/alcoholic lack of control does not feel safe.

Some in recovery will find it difficult to identify the fear and will turn it into anger. Some are so overwhelmed by fear they feel out of control and panic. Overconfidence and cockiness are dangerous in sobriety. These attitudes minimize the severity of the addiction or the amount of work required to remain clean. Being afraid of change is normal. Not accepting that fear can be uncomfortable keeps the person stuck. It paralyzes. Living life without hiding behind chemicals is scary. Having to give up relationships is scary. Learning basic coping skills is necessary.

Learn to express feelings and concerns.
Keep realistic expectations of the world and ourselves.
Be honest with ourselves and others.
Keep no secrets and tell no lies.
Talk to someone who will listen.
Talk. Talk. Talk. Ask for help.

When drinking is the easier, softer way . . .

It has probably never occurred to most of you, perhaps it has, but most people don't have any idea what it's like to grow up gay. Enduring the message that we are perverts, that we don't deserve to marry or serve our country, that God hates us, exacts a toll that few other oppressed groups understand. When the very people who could be showing us how to grow up and to love ourselves and how to love those around us are saddled with the same burden and hide, we hide, too. No other group can really do that. Black Americans can't pretend they're white. Women can't (usually) pretend they're men. The only other protected class that might compare would be religion, but that isn't something so central to a person's identity as to be thought of as immutable. People change religions all the time. I was born into an LDS family, for example. I wasn't born Mormon.

I was, I believe, born gay. My parents recognized it, or at least the possibility of it, by the time I could walk and talk. Like many parents and like our society as a whole, they did everything they could to redirect it, suppress it, retrain it, punish it, punish it and beat it out of me, as though it were a bad habit.

The National Institute of Health and Mental Health America report that:

• Gay and lesbian teens deal with harassment, threats, and violence directed at them on a daily basis. They hear anti-gay slurs such as “homo”, “faggot” and “sissy” about 26 times a day or once every 14 minutes.[1]
  
• Thirty-one percent of gay youth had been threatened or injured at school in the last year alone![2]
• Gay and lesbian teens are at high risk because ‘their distress is a direct result of the hatred and prejudice that surround them,’ not because of their inherently gay or lesbian identity orientation.[3]
• Gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts.[4]
• Gay teens in U.S. schools are often subjected to such intense bullying that they’re unable to receive an adequate education.[5] They’re often embarrassed or ashamed of being targeted and may not report the abuse.
• GLBT students are more apt to skip school due to the fear, threats, and property vandalism directed at them.[6] One survey revealed that 22 percent of gay respondents had skipped school in the past month because they felt unsafe there.[7]
• Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than
  three times the national average for heterosexual students.[8]
• GLBT youth feel they have nowhere to turn. According to several surveys, four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don’t know one supportive adult at school.[9]

It is not surprising then that, as US Department of Health and Human Services reports, gay and lesbian youth are up to 300% more likely to attempt or complete suicide than their heterosexual counterparts. [10]

"Perhaps there is an easier, softer way." For many of us, that way is escape through drugs and alcohol. Again, the NIH reports multiple studies that all suggest that gay men are 50 - 100% more likely to be alcoholics or problem drinkers than straight men and half as likely to have abstained from alcohol use entirely in the last 30 days. [11]

Just like all alcoholics, it was incredibly difficult for me to reach out for help. It was very, very difficult for me to come to Alcoholics Anonymous and look for the similarities and to 'be a part of' when every message I'd ever heard told me something different. I might have not had to travel as far down the scale as I did if our culture didn't impose the idea that I was different.

I'd like to ask every member of AA to carefully consider exactly what we mean when we say, "I am responsible whenever anyone, anywhere reaches out for help. . ." This is a "we" program and we need your help. Stand up against prejudice and stand up to protect our children. Stand up because we may not be able to on our own. If we make it into the doors of AA, remember how hard it was when you walked in. Remember that the very act of walking in may be the very best we can do to reach out for help. Ask yourself to what lengths you are willing to go to carry the message of hope to another sick and suffering alcoholic.



[1] Bart, M. Creating a safer school for gay students. Counseling Today, September 1998
[2] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In These Times. 9 July 2001
[3] Norton, Terry L., and Jonathan W. Vare. "Understanding Gay and Lesbian Youth: Sticks, Stones, and Silence." 17 July 1998: 3
Lexis Nexis. 20 June 2002
[4] Report from the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide (Paul Gibson, US Department of Health and Human Services), 1989
[5] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In TheseTimes. 9 July 2001: 3.
[6] Garofalo, R. Wolf, R.C., Kessel, S., Palfrey., J (1998) Pediatrics, 101 (5), 895-902
[7] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In These Times. 9 July 2001
[8] Bart, M. Creating a safer school for gay students. Counseling Today, September 1998
[9] Sessions Stepp, Laura. "A Lesson in Cruelty: Anti-Gay Slurs Common at School; Some Say Insults Increase as Gays' Visibility Rises." The Washington Post 19 June 2001
[10] Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Administration, "Report of the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide. Volume 1: Overview and Recommendations." January 1989
[11] National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism of the National Institute of Health, "Sexual Orientation and Alcohol Use Disorders." March 2005

Moving On

My Godfather was buried today. My Godmother, a depressed and demented shell of her former self ,watched him sink beneath the ground. Their son, my only near-cousin in life, grew into his own in choreographing our respects to his father, fiancee by his side. Of course, none of this was about my Godfather. All of it was about us, standing around his grave, shivering in the cold, snowy February Saturday. For he was not cold, now that blood no longer runs through his veins. Us, watching them grieve, wondering what they are experiencing, and what we will experience when we next find ourselves in their painful situation. For he was not wondering, the synapses in his brain no longer fire. Us, living and breathing the Holy Spirit of community. For he is no longer a part of that living, breathing community. Us, wondering about he, who no longer wonders. None of us really know what he is now. If he is living on in spirit, and is omniscient, he probably has lost his wonder. I want to wonder more, while I can, but not about death.

Happy Happy Birthday!!

Of course I will deny it until my dying day, but just between you and I, today, I will admit that my oldest child, B, is indeed, bigger than me in some ways. His feet, for example. He was delighting in slipping on my way-cool tennies to run out to the car for a sec, a few months ago, but that day has definitely gone. He even wore them to school once, last year! That brat! We both thought it was funny, but I'm just glad that it's past, now. It would save money, I guess, if he'd stayed my size, but I'd hate it for him to only ever be 5'9"-ish.
AND I called my old BFF today, finally, after thinking about it for waaay too long. OH CRAP! I was s'posed to call her back tonight. SORRY GAILBETH!!! Sheesh. If memory cells were required for life I'd have died a long time ago, I guess.
I cinched that friendship, when I gave birth to my eldest on HER birthday...hee hee. How's THAT for a friend? I've never had anyone produce a child for my birthday...I guess I'm just not (sniff) that important. (sniff) ;o)
Well, I'm sorry to say that the presents around here were veerrry slim, indeed. The funds have dried up, and of course there was no more than a late-afternoon phone call from the dXh for B.

"(monotone) ...just called to tell B happy birthday...uh...(click)"

The under-whelmed look on his face said it all, really. How sad is it to not even be able to sound happy when you call regarding the day your kid was born? Thank you GOD that I'm not married to him anymore. I just can't stand the way he made B feel for so long. I hate that I was so slow in finishing that deal. I just hope and pray that the boy won't be too scarred for life from my inability to do what had to be done.
I wish there was some consolation in knowing that it's normal to have regrets as a parent, but as I'm sure you know, there isn't any. I will always have regrets. I see the ways my choices have worn down my boys, and it makes me just want to kick my own ass. Knowing the "why"s doesn't erase the pain in their eyes. It doesn't make it any better. Won't make their lives any less screwed up, as a result. Sure, I might do better in some ways, because of simply knowing more about mental health and addictions than my parents did. But for cryin' out loud.
One of the Promises in the Big Book is that we will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it. Hm. Well, that's another thing in there that I'm not sure I can really agree with, fully. That probably makes 2 things. Not bad, overall. Sure, some tough times have made me a better person, but I guess I'd still rather get rid of the self-inflicted ones.
Last night in our small group (church thing), we were talking about how trials can make us better people, and one guy was saying how he wishes he could understand the reasons for the trials in relationships, or the lessons he was to learn. I thought "my relationship troubles have almost always been of my OWN making." I wonder if normies ever think of things like that? Well, maybe it's not "normies", but I guess it's just odd to me at this point when people don't get that sort of thing. Knowing that it's only from the program and the steps that *I* get them...

Well, it's too late as usual.
May you have a blessed day tomorrow, and until I post again...
:o)

Life in Hell

What I know about the situation is that I placed myself in it, for starters, so I have no business complaining about it or being so butt-hurt. I also know how to solve the problem of wallowing in self-pity and resentment. I know how to mend the pain of being sore at myself. But apparantly, at the moment anyway, I am unwilling or unable to pick up those tools and put them to work. I imagine that tells me that I'm getting some sort of reward out of this being miserable which is a perverse idea so it shouldn't surprise me.

I went to court yesterday to be sentenced for a probation violation. If I had not violated I would have been off probation in like 10 more months.

Now I have 5 more years.

200 hours of community service to do within a year and 5 more years of being on probation in a state that doesn't allow me to leave except by special permission and only to go be with immediate family. Which means I'm here, in this state I can't stand, where I don't believe I'll ever have a boyfriend, where there are no opportunities unless you really like hunting or fishing or are a Mormon or a Republican, for five more M*$#er F@&$(*g years.

I seriously, at least at the moment, think I'd rather die. And unfortunately, because I placed myself in this position, it validates every rotten thing I already think about myself and every reason I think carrying on is not worth it. I know that is my disease talking. I know this too shall pass. But it won't pass till I'm fourty f-ing eight years old. Till then I'm trapped in a mean, nasty republican cultural wasteland trying to protect myself from my past and from my drunken mother.

What is stupider is that if they hadn't made it a requirement I probably wouldn't feel this way. I'd probably end up here for five more years anyway. And this feeling is so overwhelming, particularly on my 11th consecutive Valentine's Day without a companion or any prospect of one, that I'm afraid if I said what was really going on in my head I'd be locked up for my own good. In case anyone needs me I'll be hiding in my room, crying, praying for the willingness to do the work.

Never let'em see ya...FEEL.

OK, so, when I was an adolescent, I somehow decided that if I did not let anyone know when I had a good feeling, ie happiness, then they would not be able to know to come and take the source of it away. Is this a common interpretation of events? I don't know. But I know that I became like the girl on the tv commercial , where the family is on vacation and the Mother's voice sounds like a jungle-safari guy, stalking an "elusive" animal...but the thing she's stalking is the girl's smile, and when the girl realizes that she's been spotted smiling, she races away, with Mom saying something like, " and...it's gone", at the end of the clip.
I did not allow myself to get excited or hopeful about things changing, knowing that experience had shown that it would not last. There's a big word for low-grade depression. I was told that I've probably had that for the majority of my life, or since I was about 7. But, today, I like to smile.
I might just have finally reached the place where I trust God enough to accept good things, w/o being so suspect of Him taking it back from me.
I don't know. But I'm going to keep on dreaming.

Broken Windows

"Consider a building with a few broken windows. If the windows are not repaired, the tendency is for vandals to break a few more windows. Eventually, they may even break into the building, and if it's unoccupied, perhaps become squatters or light fires inside.

Or consider a sidewalk. Some litter accumulates. Soon, more litter accumulates. Eventually, people even start leaving bags of trash from take-out restaurants there or breaking into cars."

Broken Windows by James Q. Wilson and George L. Kelling, which appeared in the March 1982 edition of The Atlantic Monthly

Yesterday I learned that my mother had finally, after all the crap she's done, all the drunk driving, drunk dialing, drunk wedding wrecking, drunk ax wielding, drunk lying, drunk sending her kids to Scandinavia and leaving them there, etc. -- gotten herself arrested. Money can insulate you from almost anything, but not forever, and money cannot buy happiness. It can finance a spectacular misery and it can postpone, or evade entirely, reaching a real bottom. That is mom's situation; too rich to have the kind of consequences that it sometimes takes to fully concede defeat.

I learned from my sister that my mom had been arrested. I was checking e-mail on my mobile phone at work last night around 9. Her note said if I ever need a reminder of why I stay sober, take a look at the Ada County Sheriff's Arrest Report for January 31st. Of course I called my sister immediately. I'll spare you the details of the sordid story - it will probably make it into a screenplay at some point anyway - but the climax was my screaming mother being arrested in front of her home for obstructing police. Some part of of me, the part that isn't perfect yet, was thrilled that she was finally reaping some consequences from her addiction. The part of me that still hangs on to resentment toward her for any of the thousand ways she has harmed her children suddenly felt vindicated. In spite of all the 4th step inventory written on her and in spite of having some idea of my part, I have kept a careful distance from her. It wouldn't do either of us any good to make that amends too early. Clearly I need to do it so that I can put that inappropriate glee behind me.


The joy was fleeting though. It lasted just long enough for me to get home from work and pull her mug shot up on the sheriff's web site. It shocked me.
If the community of recovery is a neighborhood and the eyes are the windows of the soul , I live in a great neighborhood today. I live among people who solve their problems by serving their Creator and helping others. Windows in my neighborhood don't stay broken. Trash doesn't stay out on the street. Looking at the windows in mom's neighborhood breaks my heart.

Learning How To Live

None of us may claim to be independent, if we still depend on others to provide our happiness. We may wait patiently to get what we want, or we may get angry, because others aren't responding the way we think they are suppose to. Many of us behave as if there is some sort of universal guideline for living that is obvious to everyone. When others deviate from these imaginary guidelines, their actions are interpreted as intentionally being spiteful. Not only do we anticipate that others will act predictably, but also that their actions will fulfill our very own needs. Nothing is so self defeating, than to expect others to fulfill our own personal needs. We are doomed to disappointment as others can not do for us, what we are unwilling to attempt on our own.

To achieve or learn are solitary pursuits. At some magical moment in our lives, there needs to be a stark realization that we are responsible for ourselves. Instead of waiting or receiving, we should be actively grasping for our own truths. Learning is an intimate process with ourselves, that no one else can duplicate . Ideas can masquerade under many forms, but we transpose only those that color our imagination. There are no gradations, when it comes to learning about ourselves.

Real learning is a process of absorption. our mental chemistry is altered. No one else can perform this intimate transaction for us. The statement "I can't" should be permanently removed from our vocabulary, because it hinders growth. We can accomplish far more, than we are willing to admit.

A true refection of maturity is our ability to demonstrate effort, accepting the results, accepting our truth. For this growth to occur we must be willing to take a risk. To attempt new behavior, we must be willing to take a chance. There is no guarantee that the outcome will be what we expect. What can be guaranteed is that some learning will occur, therefore growth will then follow. We learn from our mistakes more often than we learn from our successes.

Risk and trust can be viewed as to skating on an ice covered pond. We test the environment, before we select to thrust our entire weight upon the frozen pond, to predict whether or not it can support us. Once we sense that the pond is frozen enough to support us, only then do we freely move about and enjoy our mobility. Like the skater, we have all the benefits of support once we have tested the environment and calculated our risks to be minimal. But if we never took the risk in the first place, we would have never be able to move about freely, learn and grow. Trusting ourselves, accepting our truths, learning how to live is our responsibility and no one else's.