Life in Hell
What I know about the situation is that I placed myself in it, for starters, so I have no business complaining about it or being so butt-hurt. I also know how to solve the problem of wallowing in self-pity and resentment. I know how to mend the pain of being sore at myself. But apparantly, at the moment anyway, I am unwilling or unable to pick up those tools and put them to work. I imagine that tells me that I'm getting some sort of reward out of this being miserable which is a perverse idea so it shouldn't surprise me.
I went to court yesterday to be sentenced for a probation violation. If I had not violated I would have been off probation in like 10 more months.
Now I have 5 more years.
200 hours of community service to do within a year and 5 more years of being on probation in a state that doesn't allow me to leave except by special permission and only to go be with immediate family. Which means I'm here, in this state I can't stand, where I don't believe I'll ever have a boyfriend, where there are no opportunities unless you really like hunting or fishing or are a Mormon or a Republican, for five more M*$#er F@&$(*g years.
I seriously, at least at the moment, think I'd rather die. And unfortunately, because I placed myself in this position, it validates every rotten thing I already think about myself and every reason I think carrying on is not worth it. I know that is my disease talking. I know this too shall pass. But it won't pass till I'm fourty f-ing eight years old. Till then I'm trapped in a mean, nasty republican cultural wasteland trying to protect myself from my past and from my drunken mother.
What is stupider is that if they hadn't made it a requirement I probably wouldn't feel this way. I'd probably end up here for five more years anyway. And this feeling is so overwhelming, particularly on my 11th consecutive Valentine's Day without a companion or any prospect of one, that I'm afraid if I said what was really going on in my head I'd be locked up for my own good. In case anyone needs me I'll be hiding in my room, crying, praying for the willingness to do the work.
5 comments:
Very powerful.Very real.Very much living with consequences of actions. I wish you peace. I wish you the strength to deal with what needs to be dealt with.
Man...I'm sorry that you are feeling the way you are. It's painful just to read about it, never mind living it.
Since you wrote "this too shall pass", rationally you know it will.
Soon you will emotionally come to accept your situation for what it is...one of those things that you cannot change.
You could dwell on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas but...what's the point?
I understand that you are not pleased with your situation and have pointed out a lot of reasons why you are not happy but, and you're going to want to punch me for saying so, you can't wait for happiness. You need to make it so inside of yourself without waiting for things to be..."better".
If I meet someone...then I'll be happy. If I move to a new place...then I'll be happy. Your only option is to try and be happy with whatcha got now. If not, you'll never be happy. (told ya you would want to punch me)
I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a bad place both in the emotional sense and in the "surrounded by Republicans" sense. Sending lots of good energy to you on your journey to self forgiveness and serenity.
I wish you and my husband were in the same bedroom- that's were he is hiding out too.
Sometimes you gotta retreat. Resistance is futile, or so they say.
You know what? I did what we learn to do in program. I did step work. I worked with others. I talked to my sponsor and I wrote inventory.
Then I ate dinner and went to bed early. And guess what? That Scarlet O'Hara was right. Tomorrow is another day.
*love you guys*
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