It Really Is A New Year

On New Year's Day I could always be found recovering from New Year's Eve. It was just a given that I would have gotten so fucked up the night before that my body would need to spend the ENTIRE next day recovering from being on the verge of alcohol poisoning.

Since this was my first New Year's Eve/Day in recovery I was very surprised to find myself where I was on New Year's Day...out sledding with my son. I know! What? Erin, sledding? Yes.

Last year at this time I had no control over myself regarding my Oxycontin addiction. Rationally I would know that Oxy's and large amounts of alcohol DO NOT mix but that usually did not stop me.

You could be certain that not too far into the night I would have to be brought home because I could hardly keep myself conscious and that further into the night you could find me sleeping on a pile of dirty clothes in front of my toilet...I was all about convenience.

Not a very glamorous way to ring in the new year right? Then, as I explained before, I would spend the entire next day feeling like I was going to die.

Not this year baby! It's with great relief that I tell you this year I didn't have to deal with havoc that drugs caused in my life. The only thing that I had to do was go out with my husband and son and celebrate the beginning of a fresh year. Sledding seemed appropriate since we just got a few fresh inches of snow dumped on us.

I'm hoping everyone had a happy and safe New Year's Eve/Day.

Get Up, Suit Up, Show Up

One of the things we hear in meetings over and over is “Get up. Suit up. Show up.” When I went into exile from life and made my home in a coffin at the end of the world, get up, suit up, show up was about all I was able to do – and then only out of necessity. The drugs aren’t going to go get themselves. If I had waited too long, if I had not saved something to help me get up and on my way, if there was nothing to be had when mine ran out, I was in for a painful and difficult spell. Get/Suit/Show up, at that point, was not consciousness, willingness or effort. It was a biological function of addiction, like breathing. That is what it feels like to be an addict. In the coffin at the end of the world, drugs and alcohol become your oxygen. The only path I could see before me was heartbreaking and enduring it required anesthesia.

The anesthesia wore off, stopped working, and God showed me a different path if I would have it. Of course I would have it. All I had to contribute, though, was my willingness to make the effort, which, in the beginning, meant getting up, suiting up and showing up. It took me five days to get up. It took another week or so to suit up and arrange to get to treatment. It took another couple of weeks to work out those details and to show up there. Walking in the door, I believed that treatment was going to give me the tools and self-knowledge I needed to overcome the obsession and compulsion. It had not occurred to me that anything more would be required.

Read more . . .

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I take your children, and that's just the start...
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold...
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in your town...
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and even next door...
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under your own kitchen sink...
In your child's closet, and even in the woods, if this scares you to death, well it certainly should...
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, HEROIN you choice of test...
My power is awesome,, try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free...
Just try me once, and I might let you go, but try me twice and I'll own your heart and soul...
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you do what you have to, just to get high...
The crimes you'll commit for my Heroin charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms...
YOU'LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER, STEAL FROM YOUR DAD,
WHEN YOU SEE THIER TEARS..YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL SAD...
But you'll forget your morals, how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways...
I'll take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God and separate friends...
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side...
You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and you'll be all alone...
I'll take and I'll take, until you have nothing more to give, and when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live...
If you try me be warned this is no game, if given the chance I'll drive you insane...
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul and you'll be all mine...
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,the voices you'll hear from inside your head...
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me...
But then it's too late and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine and we will never part...
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, I didn't come to you...
You knew this would happen, you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold...
You could have said no, and walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say???
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave...
Now that you have met me, what will you do??? Will you keep me or not, it's all up to you...
I can bring you misery than words can tell, take my hand, and I will lead you to hell...!!!

Is is this really happening AGAIN?

He's in Jail... he's actually been in there for about 3 weeks now. He got arrested a few days befor i left for my trip. I have not spoken to him since. I will explain more later i just had to get that much off my chest for now at least.

Sweet Relief

I haven't really talked about it on this site but I've had to endure watching my brother in active Oxycontin addiction. Because of everything I've been through with my own Oxycontin addiction it has been really tough for me.

Back in early November I actually took the age old advice of accepting the things I cannot change pertaining to this situation. I had to be really honest with myself about this.

Accepting a situation doesn't take the fear out of it. I was constantly fearing the worst. I was afraid that it would take an accidental overdose or incarceration to make my brother change his ways.

Yesterday I got some bittersweet news. My brother has finally reached that point that most addicts come to...the bottom. He has finally had that click in his brain that let him realize the severity of his situation.

Like I said this is bittersweet for me. I'm so relieved that finally he is taking a step in the right direction and at the same time I have a lot of sadness connected to this situation.

This comes from me knowing exactly what he will have to face in his very early recovery. It also comes from the fact that my mother and father need to face the realization that two of their children have addiction problems. Just as any parent would, they are asking themselves why. They are wondering what they did wrong, how they could let this happen.

There are no answers to those questions. They are great parents...it's just the way it worked out.

I'm hoping that just as I had to accept this situation as one of those things you just cannot change, they will be able to do the same.

Thanks so much for listening, I just needed to share.

Holiday Mantra

Bad habits

I wanted to post a Thing about getting rid of bad habits but decided to post it on my blog site. I sole it from another blog and I believe it had been swiped from somewhere else. Any way its good. Just jump on over to my blog to read it.

http://thefirstchakra.blogspot.com/

anyone alive out there

come on guys i need readin material, i need feedback on my entries, whats goin on? Every one in hibernation mode for the winter? I think everyone should post an entry on their blog about today. What you did or are going to do today. How you feel today. What you learned today. Even what you ate today! Just write. It's healthy to write to get your feelings and thoughts outta your head and out in the open for people to reflect on and learn from.

I'll give you a cookie......

Sponsor

I'm going to be a sponsor. Someone asked me after our meeting where we talked about working the 12th step. My first reaction was fear. This is someone with years in the program. She has had multiple sponsors and is a sponsor herself. They say that what you should look for in a sponsor is someone who has what you want. My worry was that she has way more that I want than I could ever have what she wants. Whenever she shares in meetings, it helps me. I don't know if I've got what she needs. But then, I decided that it's not up to me to decide what she wants. It's up to me to decide about my own willingness. I'm willing, and she says she wants this. So, after the holidays, we're getting started. Anyone with ESH to share on being a sponsor, I'd love to hear it.

Finally

Today, I got the call!!! I am picking my baby up tomorrow!!!! He is really coming home!!!!!