Get Up, Suit Up, Show Up

One of the things we hear in meetings over and over is “Get up. Suit up. Show up.” When I went into exile from life and made my home in a coffin at the end of the world, get up, suit up, show up was about all I was able to do – and then only out of necessity. The drugs aren’t going to go get themselves. If I had waited too long, if I had not saved something to help me get up and on my way, if there was nothing to be had when mine ran out, I was in for a painful and difficult spell. Get/Suit/Show up, at that point, was not consciousness, willingness or effort. It was a biological function of addiction, like breathing. That is what it feels like to be an addict. In the coffin at the end of the world, drugs and alcohol become your oxygen. The only path I could see before me was heartbreaking and enduring it required anesthesia.

The anesthesia wore off, stopped working, and God showed me a different path if I would have it. Of course I would have it. All I had to contribute, though, was my willingness to make the effort, which, in the beginning, meant getting up, suiting up and showing up. It took me five days to get up. It took another week or so to suit up and arrange to get to treatment. It took another couple of weeks to work out those details and to show up there. Walking in the door, I believed that treatment was going to give me the tools and self-knowledge I needed to overcome the obsession and compulsion. It had not occurred to me that anything more would be required.

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Stepping it up

I started a 12 step writing workshop last night. We're using the book, The 12 Steps, a Way Out. I love this format. The little Naranon step study booklet just isn't enough for me to really delve into and work the steps. I love the book we're using. It has enough of a balance of people who've come before me sharing stories that sound remarkably like mine, with room for me to write my own story. As I've been working the steps with my sponsor, I've drawn from this book. What I love even more about the writing workshop is the group process. The group is not closed yet, but it will be within the next few weeks. And there's a contract for us each to sign, with agreements like, "I will be as honest as possible in all things, especially with regard to what I am learning about myself- past and present." And "I will accept any discomfort or unsettling behavior changes that I may experience as a result of working the Twelve Steps." I like the fact that as a group, we can hold each other accountable. I like using the writing process, having the freedom to make it mine, and the guidance of people who have come before me showing me a way.

I just edited the last two words above from "the" way to "a" way. I also like the fact that the book we're using is NOT titled, "THE Way Out", but "A Way Out." As a member of a number of minority groups, two of which are Jewish and Gay, I'm a firm believer that there is not just ONE way. This 12 step program is something that I choose, because it helps me. It's not the only way. But it's MY way. And I'm excited about this leg of my journey.