What Is Chemical Addiction

Accepting that we're dependent on drugs or alcohol is hard. We find we do not fit our idea of an addict or alcoholic. Old family values, cultural beliefs, movies and television shows have given us inaccurate pictures of alcoholics and addicts. These images have influenced our thinking. We may see people who are chemically dependent as losers or failures or as people in the gutter of life which is certainly not the way we want people to see us.

The terms addiction, addict and alcoholic carry a stigma or feeling of shame. Many people believe that addiction is a weakness (if we were just morally or emotionally stronger, we could "lick" this problem), we should be able to stop using on our own and we just do not have enough willpower (if we were more disciplined we'd be able to stop).

The only thing I can tell you is do not buy into these myths. People who've never encountered the true nature of addiction can't conceive of what an addict is going through. They have never experienced the inability to stop chemical use. They just do not understand. The responses of our loved ones and close friends can be particularly hurtful.

We may see the addiction as unfair. No one ever said "Hey you, stand in this line if you'd like to become addicted to alcohol or drugs and ruin your life". Dependency is seen as a curse in which there are no answers. But there is an answer. It is called understanding the addiction process.

Addiction to alcohol/drugs is a complex illness. It is progressive and can be life threatening. It has social, physiological and psychological components.

The process of addiction begins with drug availability to the purity and route of administration. Dose, frequency and duration of use, genetic factors, developmental factors, mental illness, chronic pain and psychosocial factors all influence the process of addiction.

Then there is the brain chemistry of addiction. When mood altering drugs are put into one's body the bloodstream picks up these chemicals and quickly carries them to the brain. Inside the brain, these chemicals set off the complex chemical reactions within the brain and distorts the reality. This altered state is commonly known as "intoxication". Some people find this feeling pleasant. Others find this experience unpleasant.

Addiction is not about willpower or weakness. Research has shown that the addiction process is connected to how the brain is wired. Powerful chemicals called neurotransmitters control brain activity. They carry messages from one brain neuron to another. Whereas the cerebrum is the thinking part of the brain, "I will never use drugs or drink again". It is the brain stem that is home to the limbic system that contains the components of addictive behavior.

The limbic system stimulates the sense of smell, motivation, sex drive and complex emotional responses. It also contains what is called the "pleasure center".

The pleasure center responds to what else, pleasurable stimulation and learns to repeat it. Neurotransmitters endorphins and dopamine activate the pleasure center. Alcohol and drugs increase the activity of these neurotransmitters resulting in feelings of euphoria. The cycle begins with that first drink or that first pill.

Over time, the body stops making these neurotransmitters on their own because they have become accustomed to the presence of alcohol/drugs. Without the alcohol/drugs , the let-down begins as the brain is awaiting more alcohol/drugs. When the body is out of balance, the cravings begin. The need for the use of alcohol/drugs becomes intense and eventually takes over. The "thinking part" of the brain screams "stop". The "limbic part" of the brain screams "go".

Part II Crossing the line into addiction.

Feelings Suck Sometimes

I'm a little over a year into my recovery and for some reason, I still get shocked at how bad feelings can feel sometimes.

I'll give you a for instance...right now I'm feeling foolish, hurt and a little angry because of a situation that just happened between my husband and myself. The details aren't really important but the way I'm feeling is.

I wish I knew how those who aren't in addiction recovery deal with bad feelings. Do you think of ways to make it stop? Do you realize that it will go away on it's own? Obviously you aren't into numbing your pain right? Or are you and I just think that I'm the only one?

My first thoughts always have to do with making the negative feelings go away by any means necessary. In the old days that would mean numbing myself into oblivion with various pills down my throat and powder up my nose.

Now-a-days my first thoughts still always go to numbing the pain but...I just don't act on those initial thoughts. Usually my thoughts then move on to other ways of making myself feel better.

This time I've chosen to share what I'm feeling with you nice people in hopes that by getting these things out of my head via the keyboard it will give me a little relief. The days of me stuffing my feelings are over right?

My new life of not looking for instant gratification has taught me that even if the bad feelings do not go right away, expressing them is a healthy start.

I can tell you this - taking some time to write down my thoughts and feelings has allowed me to put a little perspective on what my actual feelings are. It's not feeling as bad as it initially felt. I guess this stuff really does work right?

Wow...this was like a sitcom. Everything wrapped up in a nice bow by the end of the episode. Well, thanks so much for watching and be sure to tune in next time. Goodnight.

sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

I find myself watching that show on A & E INTERVENTION from time to time. Sometimes I get sucked right into the addicts story of woe while other times, the addict ends up infuriating me so much that I fear I'll end up giving myself a stroke! I know that every addict is different and so is their tolerance, etc but you'll be hard pressed to convince me that someone who has just been using for a couple of years is going to have as difficult a time kicking then someone who has used for a couple of decades. Whatever, that's not really what has got me all fired up!

I am very much aware that there are a whole lot of people who drink or drug so that they are able to escape or forget some awful past trauma, or to self medicate either diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health issues. I also think that there are a whole lot of us out there who drink or take drugs just cause they like to drink or take drugs! I was most definitely one of them.

It's often much more difficult to watch the addicts support group as they struggle to come to terms with their addict and his/her behaviour. Without exception, they all seem to have a tendency to blame themselves in some way for the addicts problems. Maybe that's true in some cases, but I suspect that more often than naught, it is not at all related. Maybe they're simply being too hard on themselves. Certainly if they actually did something terrible, then my guess is that they already know it. So, if they are unable to actually think of anything that they could have done to cause them to drink or drug then there probably isn't anything at all. They should attempt to move on and stop torturing themselves with guilt, vainly searching for that traumatic event that caused their loved one to become an addict. They may simply have to accept that perhaps their addict does what they do simply because they love getting drunk or high for this and this alone.

I wished many times when I was young and immature and arrogant that I had something in my past to be tortured about. It's a lot more romantic and punk rock if your life is filled with some sort of angst! Unfortunately for me, I was as far removed from that lifestyle than one could possibly imagine - now, since my late teens and early twenties, I've since managed to change all of that and wish that I didn't have some of the baggage I've now managed to accumulate in the past two decades!

I was fortunate enough to be raised by involved, loving and kind parents, given every middle class advantage. I did exceptionally well in school. earning a full paying scholarship to university upon my high school graduation. I was a lifeguard at our local pool every summer and worked as a waitress at the local truck stop during the school year. I had more than enough friends and no terrible, life altering story to tell about my teen years or even any tease worthy physical defects. I had what many would consider an idyllic childhood and yet, I still managed to spend two and a half decades abusing substances as if this were my true life's calling.

I discovered booze in my mid teens, and I loved it. I mean, I couldn’t believe how much I loved it. I then managed to spend the next many years of my life enjoying it to great excess. I drank because I liked getting drunk too much. It fit just right inside my mind. Eventually, of course, the drinking got less fun, certainly less exciting, and in fact, actually started to get boring. It never got to the point where my drinking interfered with my work or life but still I could see that if I didn't reign myself in that I'd be unable to maintain the status quo much longer.

Drinking was much easier to walk away from simply because I had something newer and shinier to replace it with. I still had a pretty idyllic life even though I'd since been through a couple of really nasty relationships but even so, I never used any of this as an excuse to continue my substance abusing lifestyle. I had now simply integrated this into my everyday routine. Even at the very end of my final out of control opiate addiction two and a half years ago, I was never, ever using because of some awful trauma that I was trying desperately to suppress. To the end, and I mean to my absolute final hit with that syringe filled with about 12mg of dilaudid, I was using simply because I loved to use. End of sentence, full stop. Period.

In the end, it doesn't matter much how you got yourself addicted, once you are, you have a struggle ahead of you, and I don’t think that falling into addiction this way is any “worse” than falling into addiction and abuse for any other reason. Nobody plans to become a desperate drunk or drug addict, certainly not initially or intentionally, although as a species, we seem to be hardwired to seek out pleasure – and for those of us that seem to get more pleasure out of a drink and drugs than others, it’s understandable why we might get ourselves into trouble.

Question

What happen to Scout? I am concerned. Thanks.

First Job in my ACTUAL field!!!

Yes! Today, I am going to have the first opportunity to experience being a true, honest, hundred percent employed "CVC Supervisor"! For those who might not know, this means that when a decision has been made for parents to have "supervised" visitation with their children, I get to help. There will be families who are using our services under duress, and those who are coming to our program of their own accord. Either way, the point is, that I will be helping to provide a safe place for the families to begin what will hopefully end in reconciliation.
There were 3 other women who began this job at the same time as I, and we seem to be from rather different backgrounds. I grinned to myself when our boss said that we all brought different things to the table, very important skills and gifts, etc. I'm quite certain I am the only one of us with an extensive history of drug use and abuse! One of the ladies is a recent graduate of a local college, another is head of another "social services organization", and I'm not certain, but the 4th might just be a "Normie". :o)
I'm not sure what I've told the boys, but after church this morning the older one was asking me things like "Are you going to have any kind of weapons there with you, like in case the parents get out of hand?" Then he went into asking if I might be able to get a Taser?!
Like I said, I'm not sure what I've said to them previously. Apparently I mentioned the possibility of there being trouble, but I suppose I ought to have been a bit more careful about my choice of wording.
Truth is, I don't know if there will be any "excitement". I know it's going to involve a lot of tearful children and potentially some rather upset parents, but as far as anything I might have to intervene in, only God knows. I'm guessing that my background as an addict, added in with the classes in Crisis Intervention and the rest of the "Substance Abuse" curriculum are the main things that I uniquely bring to the place. I certainly look forward to the people-watching I'm in for. I can't remember a time when observing folks hasn't been tres intriguing to me.
Oh, the other thing I'll be doing, as well as watching and listening, is taking notes on anything "note-worthy". I don't know how I will approach all this, considering that each situation will be a different set of circumstances. But for the court-appointed ones, I'll probably go into it letting them think I'm easily fooled. I know better than most (well, most Normies, for sure)how easily a person can put on an act for outsiders, in order to get what they want. The lessons in manipulation and subtle abuse techniques that I experienced from marital experiment #1 have never left me. I am grateful for them, today. Wow. That's so crazy. The Alcoholics Anonymous big Book talks about things that will happen as we go along this journey called recovery, and one of them goes like this:

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to close the door on it."

I can't say that I don't regret the abuse I've been through, but I can see how God has faithfully turned it into something that we can use for good. And, frankly, if I can help a child to get out of that kind of existence, and/or prevent it from happening in just one family, then it WAS worth it.
Most of the time, if there has been a decree of "Supervised Visitation", it's safe to say that SOMEONE has made some poor decisions, at least. More than likely, I'm going to wager a guess that most of the time it is the case. Not having begun this job, yet, I guess I'll have to report later whether this is the case or not.
But I'm really excited about it!

Oh, and I've been checking out an online introduction thingy, too. Made one new friend,I think. I have to tell you this joke, while I'm thinking of it---and it DOES NOT apply, here, tyvm:

How can you tell when a couple of addicts are on their second date?
Have you heard this one???

By the Moving truck outside.
ROFL!!!!

Oh, you liked it, admit it!!
ciao,
abbie

Dealing With Our Emotions

Addicts and Alcoholics are notorious for not wanting to talk about what's bothering them. When they were using, they couldn't talk about their problems for fear someone would discover how severe their addiction was. They may have learned early in life that problems were not to be discussed openly. Opening up may lead to manipulation or rejection by others. Many have used chemicals to cope with the every day feelings.

Learning to talk about feelings is a critical part of recovery. To remain clean & sober, one must learn the skills to deal with feelings. Failure to deal with feelings leads right back to chemical use. When someone is troubled, they should seek out other people in recovery and share their feelings whether they be of shame. guilt, anger or fear. This takes the burden off your shoulders and generally leads to some worthwhile positive feedback. It may be necessary to discuss these feelings with many different people as to reduce the level of these emotions.

Sometimes it is necessary to make changes in your life. You need to learn how to identify the problems that need to be dealt with. For instance, anger and resentment plays a major role in addictive behavior. Anger is not the issue. Unresolved anger is the issue. When anger is left unresolved then resentment sets in. Resentment is the major cause of relapse. Resentment is the the opposite of forgiveness and it keeps you stuck at the point of pain. Resentment does not hurt anyone else but the person holding on to it. Blaming others enables you to hold onto resentment. It gives you the excuse to not change.

Anger begins when we believe we have been treated unfairly. Then, it is stuffed deep within and we tell ourselves we have dealt with the emotion. The problem is this anger that is stuffed deep inside the emotional backpack, we carry around with us just turns into depression. Eventually, the anger that has turned into resentment that has turned into depression needs to be relieved so it is done by using drugs and/or alcohol.

How many of us have allowed our problems/emotions take over in our minds? We allow them to roll over and over in our mind and as the thoughts keep rolling around the anger festers, resentment increases and depression overwhelms. Obsession takes over and comfort is required so pop a pill, take a drink, do whatever to avoid feeling rotten.

Then there is fear and worry. Fear is a normal emotion that if used properly moves us forward and creates joy. If left unchecked it can block a person in recovery. Most in recovery especially early recovery are afraid of living as a sober person.
Up to this point, an addictive person learned that the best way to be safe and free from fear was to try and control everything around them. For an addict/alcoholic lack of control does not feel safe.

Some in recovery will find it difficult to identify the fear and will turn it into anger. Some are so overwhelmed by fear they feel out of control and panic. Overconfidence and cockiness are dangerous in sobriety. These attitudes minimize the severity of the addiction or the amount of work required to remain clean. Being afraid of change is normal. Not accepting that fear can be uncomfortable keeps the person stuck. It paralyzes. Living life without hiding behind chemicals is scary. Having to give up relationships is scary. Learning basic coping skills is necessary.

Learn to express feelings and concerns.
Keep realistic expectations of the world and ourselves.
Be honest with ourselves and others.
Keep no secrets and tell no lies.
Talk to someone who will listen.
Talk. Talk. Talk. Ask for help.

When drinking is the easier, softer way . . .

It has probably never occurred to most of you, perhaps it has, but most people don't have any idea what it's like to grow up gay. Enduring the message that we are perverts, that we don't deserve to marry or serve our country, that God hates us, exacts a toll that few other oppressed groups understand. When the very people who could be showing us how to grow up and to love ourselves and how to love those around us are saddled with the same burden and hide, we hide, too. No other group can really do that. Black Americans can't pretend they're white. Women can't (usually) pretend they're men. The only other protected class that might compare would be religion, but that isn't something so central to a person's identity as to be thought of as immutable. People change religions all the time. I was born into an LDS family, for example. I wasn't born Mormon.

I was, I believe, born gay. My parents recognized it, or at least the possibility of it, by the time I could walk and talk. Like many parents and like our society as a whole, they did everything they could to redirect it, suppress it, retrain it, punish it, punish it and beat it out of me, as though it were a bad habit.

The National Institute of Health and Mental Health America report that:

• Gay and lesbian teens deal with harassment, threats, and violence directed at them on a daily basis. They hear anti-gay slurs such as “homo”, “faggot” and “sissy” about 26 times a day or once every 14 minutes.[1]
  
• Thirty-one percent of gay youth had been threatened or injured at school in the last year alone![2]
• Gay and lesbian teens are at high risk because ‘their distress is a direct result of the hatred and prejudice that surround them,’ not because of their inherently gay or lesbian identity orientation.[3]
• Gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts.[4]
• Gay teens in U.S. schools are often subjected to such intense bullying that they’re unable to receive an adequate education.[5] They’re often embarrassed or ashamed of being targeted and may not report the abuse.
• GLBT students are more apt to skip school due to the fear, threats, and property vandalism directed at them.[6] One survey revealed that 22 percent of gay respondents had skipped school in the past month because they felt unsafe there.[7]
• Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than
  three times the national average for heterosexual students.[8]
• GLBT youth feel they have nowhere to turn. According to several surveys, four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don’t know one supportive adult at school.[9]

It is not surprising then that, as US Department of Health and Human Services reports, gay and lesbian youth are up to 300% more likely to attempt or complete suicide than their heterosexual counterparts. [10]

"Perhaps there is an easier, softer way." For many of us, that way is escape through drugs and alcohol. Again, the NIH reports multiple studies that all suggest that gay men are 50 - 100% more likely to be alcoholics or problem drinkers than straight men and half as likely to have abstained from alcohol use entirely in the last 30 days. [11]

Just like all alcoholics, it was incredibly difficult for me to reach out for help. It was very, very difficult for me to come to Alcoholics Anonymous and look for the similarities and to 'be a part of' when every message I'd ever heard told me something different. I might have not had to travel as far down the scale as I did if our culture didn't impose the idea that I was different.

I'd like to ask every member of AA to carefully consider exactly what we mean when we say, "I am responsible whenever anyone, anywhere reaches out for help. . ." This is a "we" program and we need your help. Stand up against prejudice and stand up to protect our children. Stand up because we may not be able to on our own. If we make it into the doors of AA, remember how hard it was when you walked in. Remember that the very act of walking in may be the very best we can do to reach out for help. Ask yourself to what lengths you are willing to go to carry the message of hope to another sick and suffering alcoholic.



[1] Bart, M. Creating a safer school for gay students. Counseling Today, September 1998
[2] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In These Times. 9 July 2001
[3] Norton, Terry L., and Jonathan W. Vare. "Understanding Gay and Lesbian Youth: Sticks, Stones, and Silence." 17 July 1998: 3
Lexis Nexis. 20 June 2002
[4] Report from the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide (Paul Gibson, US Department of Health and Human Services), 1989
[5] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In TheseTimes. 9 July 2001: 3.
[6] Garofalo, R. Wolf, R.C., Kessel, S., Palfrey., J (1998) Pediatrics, 101 (5), 895-902
[7] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In These Times. 9 July 2001
[8] Bart, M. Creating a safer school for gay students. Counseling Today, September 1998
[9] Sessions Stepp, Laura. "A Lesson in Cruelty: Anti-Gay Slurs Common at School; Some Say Insults Increase as Gays' Visibility Rises." The Washington Post 19 June 2001
[10] Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Administration, "Report of the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide. Volume 1: Overview and Recommendations." January 1989
[11] National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism of the National Institute of Health, "Sexual Orientation and Alcohol Use Disorders." March 2005

Moving On

My Godfather was buried today. My Godmother, a depressed and demented shell of her former self ,watched him sink beneath the ground. Their son, my only near-cousin in life, grew into his own in choreographing our respects to his father, fiancee by his side. Of course, none of this was about my Godfather. All of it was about us, standing around his grave, shivering in the cold, snowy February Saturday. For he was not cold, now that blood no longer runs through his veins. Us, watching them grieve, wondering what they are experiencing, and what we will experience when we next find ourselves in their painful situation. For he was not wondering, the synapses in his brain no longer fire. Us, living and breathing the Holy Spirit of community. For he is no longer a part of that living, breathing community. Us, wondering about he, who no longer wonders. None of us really know what he is now. If he is living on in spirit, and is omniscient, he probably has lost his wonder. I want to wonder more, while I can, but not about death.

Happy Happy Birthday!!

Of course I will deny it until my dying day, but just between you and I, today, I will admit that my oldest child, B, is indeed, bigger than me in some ways. His feet, for example. He was delighting in slipping on my way-cool tennies to run out to the car for a sec, a few months ago, but that day has definitely gone. He even wore them to school once, last year! That brat! We both thought it was funny, but I'm just glad that it's past, now. It would save money, I guess, if he'd stayed my size, but I'd hate it for him to only ever be 5'9"-ish.
AND I called my old BFF today, finally, after thinking about it for waaay too long. OH CRAP! I was s'posed to call her back tonight. SORRY GAILBETH!!! Sheesh. If memory cells were required for life I'd have died a long time ago, I guess.
I cinched that friendship, when I gave birth to my eldest on HER birthday...hee hee. How's THAT for a friend? I've never had anyone produce a child for my birthday...I guess I'm just not (sniff) that important. (sniff) ;o)
Well, I'm sorry to say that the presents around here were veerrry slim, indeed. The funds have dried up, and of course there was no more than a late-afternoon phone call from the dXh for B.

"(monotone) ...just called to tell B happy birthday...uh...(click)"

The under-whelmed look on his face said it all, really. How sad is it to not even be able to sound happy when you call regarding the day your kid was born? Thank you GOD that I'm not married to him anymore. I just can't stand the way he made B feel for so long. I hate that I was so slow in finishing that deal. I just hope and pray that the boy won't be too scarred for life from my inability to do what had to be done.
I wish there was some consolation in knowing that it's normal to have regrets as a parent, but as I'm sure you know, there isn't any. I will always have regrets. I see the ways my choices have worn down my boys, and it makes me just want to kick my own ass. Knowing the "why"s doesn't erase the pain in their eyes. It doesn't make it any better. Won't make their lives any less screwed up, as a result. Sure, I might do better in some ways, because of simply knowing more about mental health and addictions than my parents did. But for cryin' out loud.
One of the Promises in the Big Book is that we will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it. Hm. Well, that's another thing in there that I'm not sure I can really agree with, fully. That probably makes 2 things. Not bad, overall. Sure, some tough times have made me a better person, but I guess I'd still rather get rid of the self-inflicted ones.
Last night in our small group (church thing), we were talking about how trials can make us better people, and one guy was saying how he wishes he could understand the reasons for the trials in relationships, or the lessons he was to learn. I thought "my relationship troubles have almost always been of my OWN making." I wonder if normies ever think of things like that? Well, maybe it's not "normies", but I guess it's just odd to me at this point when people don't get that sort of thing. Knowing that it's only from the program and the steps that *I* get them...

Well, it's too late as usual.
May you have a blessed day tomorrow, and until I post again...
:o)

Life in Hell

What I know about the situation is that I placed myself in it, for starters, so I have no business complaining about it or being so butt-hurt. I also know how to solve the problem of wallowing in self-pity and resentment. I know how to mend the pain of being sore at myself. But apparantly, at the moment anyway, I am unwilling or unable to pick up those tools and put them to work. I imagine that tells me that I'm getting some sort of reward out of this being miserable which is a perverse idea so it shouldn't surprise me.

I went to court yesterday to be sentenced for a probation violation. If I had not violated I would have been off probation in like 10 more months.

Now I have 5 more years.

200 hours of community service to do within a year and 5 more years of being on probation in a state that doesn't allow me to leave except by special permission and only to go be with immediate family. Which means I'm here, in this state I can't stand, where I don't believe I'll ever have a boyfriend, where there are no opportunities unless you really like hunting or fishing or are a Mormon or a Republican, for five more M*$#er F@&$(*g years.

I seriously, at least at the moment, think I'd rather die. And unfortunately, because I placed myself in this position, it validates every rotten thing I already think about myself and every reason I think carrying on is not worth it. I know that is my disease talking. I know this too shall pass. But it won't pass till I'm fourty f-ing eight years old. Till then I'm trapped in a mean, nasty republican cultural wasteland trying to protect myself from my past and from my drunken mother.

What is stupider is that if they hadn't made it a requirement I probably wouldn't feel this way. I'd probably end up here for five more years anyway. And this feeling is so overwhelming, particularly on my 11th consecutive Valentine's Day without a companion or any prospect of one, that I'm afraid if I said what was really going on in my head I'd be locked up for my own good. In case anyone needs me I'll be hiding in my room, crying, praying for the willingness to do the work.