Sponsor

I'm going to be a sponsor. Someone asked me after our meeting where we talked about working the 12th step. My first reaction was fear. This is someone with years in the program. She has had multiple sponsors and is a sponsor herself. They say that what you should look for in a sponsor is someone who has what you want. My worry was that she has way more that I want than I could ever have what she wants. Whenever she shares in meetings, it helps me. I don't know if I've got what she needs. But then, I decided that it's not up to me to decide what she wants. It's up to me to decide about my own willingness. I'm willing, and she says she wants this. So, after the holidays, we're getting started. Anyone with ESH to share on being a sponsor, I'd love to hear it.

Finally

Today, I got the call!!! I am picking my baby up tomorrow!!!! He is really coming home!!!!!

MeMe

Here's the rules:

• Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
• Post these rules on your blog.
• List seven things you're grateful to have learned in recovery.
• Tag seven people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
• Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog. Scout

1. That there is a God.
2. And I am good enough to have a god.
3. How to be honest even when a lie would appear to serve me better.
4. Learned how to trust another human being.
5. Know how to walk though lifes ups and downs without picking up.
6. Mastered the art of calling someone and asking for help.
7. That I am only as sick as the secrets I keep.

I am tagging:
1.Erinsav
2. Inmates Wife
3. Tanya Marie
4. Married to my ex
5. EJ
6.Missunderstandings
7. Some how would like to share

Just a little rant

Why is it so hard to end relationships?
Why do we stay with people who make us unhappy?

I always used to watch those lifetime movies about the wives whos husbands would treat them horribly, beat them and cheat on them. They would stay with him until he killed her or until she killed him. I always used to ask my self "How could anyone stay in such an abusive relationship?" i never got it...

I'm not saying i get it now.. but it kinda makes more sense to me. He didn't abuse me deff not physically anyway. But there is the emotional abuse whether its intentional or not, It's there.
I continued to say. Do i like to get treated like shit? Do i like to be made to feel like a fool, like I'm worthless?

I can't seem to get it..Why stay? Why did i stay for so long? and im still dealing with this we are "broken up" but idk. It's really bothering me. Why do i stay and continue to feel like shit and cry everyday? Why do i let someone get the best of me and continue to make me feel this way? Am i really that weak?

...Cry for help...

Gobshite?

I have been tossing and turning since I posted that last post. Mostly because it somehow feels like self serving gobshite ( a word I can't seem to get out of my head). Fuckery.

It isn't. Fuckery, that is. Self serving- perhaps. Fuckery? No.

It's just that I came from such fabulous insanity, and the only way I could spend my life, intimately, with someone else is if they, too, experienced insanity. Why?

I don't know, other than that is the only thing that ever felt right. I needed someone that was broken- too.

But, there is a catch to this broken. Who ever I was to be with had to be broken, but then they had to pull themselves up from the depth of despair with their finger nails and chose to live for themselves. Chose to live well, despite the odds. Fuck the odds.

What would you expect of a little girl who spent the first conscious years of her life in the grips of a man who laughed at her as she wore the mess of his abuse? And, who had to laugh with him, or he would give her something to cry about. Then this little girl spent occasional Sundays submersed in alcohol induced insanity- with her real father who she didn't know and never would. And grandparents, one of which who only grabbed her preteen breast on special holidays, when he was really drunk, after her grandmother urged her physically to "sit on your futhers knee . Go...veronna(again, she meant grandfather)." The cheek of him and her.

Where would you expect that little girl to be? On the street, selling her body? You wouldn't be alone. I saw it in there eyes as I grew up, rebellious- they thought I was there.

Oh, dear.

And then there is a boy.

This isn't a sad story- although, I understand it evokes that emotion. It is just a story about a girl and a boy, who against the odds grew up, grew up to want something more for themselves. Chose to live well, to live happy. Then they met each other.

Considering my requirement of having someone in my life that could appreciate life the same way I did and do, I think that the odds are incredibly small that, who ever that person was, that they wouldn't have addiction issues. I think, that I am not addicted to anything more sever than cigarettes is amazing.

So, there it is. Beside me stands a man that can understand and know where I came from and I him- and, we don't have to talk about it. It just happens, that after all that, he is a heroin addict... in recovery.

My point being- sometimes it's not that people choose to stay with an addict, they chose to stay with someone that has an addiction.

I think there is a difference. I know there is.

mantra: there but for the grace of god go I

Scared, Confused, Unsure

I have a friend, and it is really a friend, not me saying I am the friend. Anyway, he is using, shooting 6 bags of H a day, and then using coke at night. Well, long story short, he is wanting to be clean. So, he bought suboxon, and is using it himself, no doctor involved. Stupid, yes. I know this. He is in a half way house, and due to that, he can not go to a doctor, or he goes back to prison. That really isn't what is important right now, what is important is that he took his first pill, and went into full blown withdrawal. I called a dear friend of mine who has some knowledge of this stuff, to see what to do next. He did not know. So, I call my friend back, and tell him just wait it out, don't do anything, he says to me "Too late, already took another one." This was freaking hours ago, and now I can not reach him at all. His cell is off, and I am just so scared for him. I don't know what the hell to think, to do, anything. For all I know he is dead. I just don't know. I told him that if he is feeling anything that feels wrong, tell someone and get to the ER. From what little I know about this stuff, I think he is really playing with some serious fire here. Doing this without a doc is dangerous, from what I am reading, it is more dangerous than using. I am so scared for him, and so confused. He was calling me so much early this morning, telling me how he is feeling, waiting to be in hard withdrawal to take the stuff. Now, nothing. All day, since like 3:00, nothing. I am feeling panicky, nervous, scared to death for him. I don't know what I can do, really, there is nothing I can do. Just sit and wait, to see if I hear from him. I just wanted to get some of this out, I can't hold all this inside of me. I am ready to burst from all the shit I have going on in my life, and now this. I am praying he is ok. Anyone know what this shit is about?? Thanks for listening.

Question

I was wondering something so i thought id post the question here.....

Does using Heroin make you break out in a rash?
Or just break out at all?

My two cents

I'm really sick. Its all on me and now I'm living with it. I'm not the only one in the world that is sick and doing this awful treatment and certainly not the only addict that has had a hard time doing interferon. It seemed easier the first time I did it but it didn't work. oh well I'm not the only one.

I actually feel good enough today to read a few blogs. I'm glad this one is still here. Thank you Erin for taking care of it. I'm glad you have chosen not to censer as long as its a drug related rant. I'm only supposing that was the case because I didn't read it. I've gotten a few very weird, not related to my blog responses and I have chosen to delete them. Now I mean weird and it takes alot to weird me out.

And I have been censored from blogs. My stuff gets a bit two four lettery sometimes but I usually try to stay in the spirit of things and sometimes a good number of four letter words is the way I choose to express that. But I bet that wasn't what was up at the cut blog here.

I agree with EJ. Ive never been kicked out of an NA meeting because of what I had to say. And only got asked politely at an AA meeting to refrain from so much drug talk. After reading the traditions I was much more careful about how I worded my drug talk as it has a profound impact on whether I drink eventually or not. But that's another story. I'm just glad I found NA when I did.

And I am way grateful to all the people who choose to share their recovery online in the manner that they do. I''m way to sick to go to a meeting tonight. And I believe there is some real depth to online sharing. I have gotten close with a number of people here. And also find I am staying in touch with people I have known in recovery for over 20 years but we don't live in the same part of the country any more.

Sorry if I am a bit rambley tonight. I really didn't feel like typing but I feel this is such an important blog that I'm doing it anyway. Thanks for the little piece of online program.

In The Future

A few people have chimed in about the removal of a post because of it's content. I appreciate anyone who weighed in on the subject.

At the advice of EJ I re-read the posting rules that are on the site and I agree that in the future there should be no censoring of content. Instead, there will be a strong warning placed at the beginning of the post.

I think that this will satiate everyone and I hope that there are no hard feelings. I also appreciate everyone's patience while I try to get acclimated to the moderator role.

Keep Writing

Censoring - There Is A First Time For Everything

Although The Write Thought is an open forum, we need to be respectful of all members. I was recently contacted by a few members regarding something that was posted earlier today.

I read the post in question and while it was beautifully written, very descriptive and well put...it didn't really have the qualities that would make it a beneficial post on The Write Thought.

Although I am not a big fan of censoring, I do think that if an entry is posted with no other reason than to explain how to go about getting high...it doesn't fit in with what The Write Thought is about.

Please feel free to voice your opinion on this subject. I am open to suggestions on how to handle this type of thing in the future. For now, I got a few complaints and I felt that the best thing to do was to remove the post.

Thanks
Erin