Just a little rant

Why is it so hard to end relationships?
Why do we stay with people who make us unhappy?

I always used to watch those lifetime movies about the wives whos husbands would treat them horribly, beat them and cheat on them. They would stay with him until he killed her or until she killed him. I always used to ask my self "How could anyone stay in such an abusive relationship?" i never got it...

I'm not saying i get it now.. but it kinda makes more sense to me. He didn't abuse me deff not physically anyway. But there is the emotional abuse whether its intentional or not, It's there.
I continued to say. Do i like to get treated like shit? Do i like to be made to feel like a fool, like I'm worthless?

I can't seem to get it..Why stay? Why did i stay for so long? and im still dealing with this we are "broken up" but idk. It's really bothering me. Why do i stay and continue to feel like shit and cry everyday? Why do i let someone get the best of me and continue to make me feel this way? Am i really that weak?

...Cry for help...

Gobshite?

I have been tossing and turning since I posted that last post. Mostly because it somehow feels like self serving gobshite ( a word I can't seem to get out of my head). Fuckery.

It isn't. Fuckery, that is. Self serving- perhaps. Fuckery? No.

It's just that I came from such fabulous insanity, and the only way I could spend my life, intimately, with someone else is if they, too, experienced insanity. Why?

I don't know, other than that is the only thing that ever felt right. I needed someone that was broken- too.

But, there is a catch to this broken. Who ever I was to be with had to be broken, but then they had to pull themselves up from the depth of despair with their finger nails and chose to live for themselves. Chose to live well, despite the odds. Fuck the odds.

What would you expect of a little girl who spent the first conscious years of her life in the grips of a man who laughed at her as she wore the mess of his abuse? And, who had to laugh with him, or he would give her something to cry about. Then this little girl spent occasional Sundays submersed in alcohol induced insanity- with her real father who she didn't know and never would. And grandparents, one of which who only grabbed her preteen breast on special holidays, when he was really drunk, after her grandmother urged her physically to "sit on your futhers knee . Go...veronna(again, she meant grandfather)." The cheek of him and her.

Where would you expect that little girl to be? On the street, selling her body? You wouldn't be alone. I saw it in there eyes as I grew up, rebellious- they thought I was there.

Oh, dear.

And then there is a boy.

This isn't a sad story- although, I understand it evokes that emotion. It is just a story about a girl and a boy, who against the odds grew up, grew up to want something more for themselves. Chose to live well, to live happy. Then they met each other.

Considering my requirement of having someone in my life that could appreciate life the same way I did and do, I think that the odds are incredibly small that, who ever that person was, that they wouldn't have addiction issues. I think, that I am not addicted to anything more sever than cigarettes is amazing.

So, there it is. Beside me stands a man that can understand and know where I came from and I him- and, we don't have to talk about it. It just happens, that after all that, he is a heroin addict... in recovery.

My point being- sometimes it's not that people choose to stay with an addict, they chose to stay with someone that has an addiction.

I think there is a difference. I know there is.

mantra: there but for the grace of god go I

Scared, Confused, Unsure

I have a friend, and it is really a friend, not me saying I am the friend. Anyway, he is using, shooting 6 bags of H a day, and then using coke at night. Well, long story short, he is wanting to be clean. So, he bought suboxon, and is using it himself, no doctor involved. Stupid, yes. I know this. He is in a half way house, and due to that, he can not go to a doctor, or he goes back to prison. That really isn't what is important right now, what is important is that he took his first pill, and went into full blown withdrawal. I called a dear friend of mine who has some knowledge of this stuff, to see what to do next. He did not know. So, I call my friend back, and tell him just wait it out, don't do anything, he says to me "Too late, already took another one." This was freaking hours ago, and now I can not reach him at all. His cell is off, and I am just so scared for him. I don't know what the hell to think, to do, anything. For all I know he is dead. I just don't know. I told him that if he is feeling anything that feels wrong, tell someone and get to the ER. From what little I know about this stuff, I think he is really playing with some serious fire here. Doing this without a doc is dangerous, from what I am reading, it is more dangerous than using. I am so scared for him, and so confused. He was calling me so much early this morning, telling me how he is feeling, waiting to be in hard withdrawal to take the stuff. Now, nothing. All day, since like 3:00, nothing. I am feeling panicky, nervous, scared to death for him. I don't know what I can do, really, there is nothing I can do. Just sit and wait, to see if I hear from him. I just wanted to get some of this out, I can't hold all this inside of me. I am ready to burst from all the shit I have going on in my life, and now this. I am praying he is ok. Anyone know what this shit is about?? Thanks for listening.

Question

I was wondering something so i thought id post the question here.....

Does using Heroin make you break out in a rash?
Or just break out at all?

My two cents

I'm really sick. Its all on me and now I'm living with it. I'm not the only one in the world that is sick and doing this awful treatment and certainly not the only addict that has had a hard time doing interferon. It seemed easier the first time I did it but it didn't work. oh well I'm not the only one.

I actually feel good enough today to read a few blogs. I'm glad this one is still here. Thank you Erin for taking care of it. I'm glad you have chosen not to censer as long as its a drug related rant. I'm only supposing that was the case because I didn't read it. I've gotten a few very weird, not related to my blog responses and I have chosen to delete them. Now I mean weird and it takes alot to weird me out.

And I have been censored from blogs. My stuff gets a bit two four lettery sometimes but I usually try to stay in the spirit of things and sometimes a good number of four letter words is the way I choose to express that. But I bet that wasn't what was up at the cut blog here.

I agree with EJ. Ive never been kicked out of an NA meeting because of what I had to say. And only got asked politely at an AA meeting to refrain from so much drug talk. After reading the traditions I was much more careful about how I worded my drug talk as it has a profound impact on whether I drink eventually or not. But that's another story. I'm just glad I found NA when I did.

And I am way grateful to all the people who choose to share their recovery online in the manner that they do. I''m way to sick to go to a meeting tonight. And I believe there is some real depth to online sharing. I have gotten close with a number of people here. And also find I am staying in touch with people I have known in recovery for over 20 years but we don't live in the same part of the country any more.

Sorry if I am a bit rambley tonight. I really didn't feel like typing but I feel this is such an important blog that I'm doing it anyway. Thanks for the little piece of online program.

In The Future

A few people have chimed in about the removal of a post because of it's content. I appreciate anyone who weighed in on the subject.

At the advice of EJ I re-read the posting rules that are on the site and I agree that in the future there should be no censoring of content. Instead, there will be a strong warning placed at the beginning of the post.

I think that this will satiate everyone and I hope that there are no hard feelings. I also appreciate everyone's patience while I try to get acclimated to the moderator role.

Keep Writing

Censoring - There Is A First Time For Everything

Although The Write Thought is an open forum, we need to be respectful of all members. I was recently contacted by a few members regarding something that was posted earlier today.

I read the post in question and while it was beautifully written, very descriptive and well put...it didn't really have the qualities that would make it a beneficial post on The Write Thought.

Although I am not a big fan of censoring, I do think that if an entry is posted with no other reason than to explain how to go about getting high...it doesn't fit in with what The Write Thought is about.

Please feel free to voice your opinion on this subject. I am open to suggestions on how to handle this type of thing in the future. For now, I got a few complaints and I felt that the best thing to do was to remove the post.

Thanks
Erin

HELLO??? ANYONE??? ANYONE AT ALL???

WHERE IS EVERYONE?? I know we all have our own blogs, but come on people. No one is posting, no one is even commenting. What is going on??

My life is finally turning around. My Joe is coming home in 4-5 weeks. He is finally going to be home with us, where he belongs. He has been in prison long enough, we need him now. Things with the best friend are done, over, which is the best thing for me. I was hurt, but now I am not, with giving myself time and talking to my Joe, I see things clearly now. And it is defiantly for the best.

The kids are all doing great, waiting for daddy to come home. I am so thankful. Thankful for the wonderful family God has graced me with, for all the people around me who love me, and accept my love. I am so thankful that I have a second chance at life, with my husband and children. I am also thankful to all my blogger buddies, who read my blog and give me encouragement. I would not have been able to make it through all of this with out you.

I am thinking, I should change the name of my blog once Joe is home. Scout pointed that out to me when we were all helping her choose hers. Soooooooooo, all of you talented writers out there get your thinking caps on, I need some help. Tell me your idea's for the new title. I am going to keep the link the same, just do a "Part two" if you will---Eric's idea! Well, I hope someone reads this, comments, and people start posting again. This blog is great, it is so awesome to have, and no one is taking advantage of this outlet. Come on people, start typing!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!!

Staying In The Moment

It's really important for myself to be able to stay in the moment. I have found that by avoiding things like dwelling on past mistakes or worrying about the future I am usually able to get done what needs to get done when it needs to get done.

Within the past couple of days I keep finding myself not staying in the moment. I'll catch myself thinking about past situations that didn't go the way I wanted or things that I feel guilt about.

This usually starts a vicious cycle of me feeling bad about myself, avoiding doing something that I'm supposed to out of lack of confidence, and then dreading what the future will now hold because of my lack of action.

I guess this type of thought process fits right into an addictive thinking pattern but what makes that pattern pop up here and there? I can be going along great, focusing on what I should be focusing on and then...boom. I'm back in a destructive pattern again.

The only good thing I am finding is that I can spot this sort of trend pretty early on and then do everything I can to stop doing it. I guess this means that I'm allowing myself to be more self-aware and by doing so I am able to stop destructive patterns before they get way out of hand.

I'm just curious if this is something that others in addiction recovery have found about themselves? Do you catch yourself falling back into your old way of thinking? Could this be me catching myself at the beginning of what could ultimately turn out to be a relapse?

Having Fun

I am really fortunate in that this year has been great for me. I entered into rehab on January 26th and here it is October 29th and I feel that I'm doing really well.

So well in fact that I've noticed myself doing something that I never would have thought possible last year at this time...having fun without drugs.

Saturday night I went to a Halloween costume party. I dressed up as Miss Piggy...pretty awesome costume in my opinion. You can give me your opinion as I posted a picture of myself in costume on my site. Check out my Miss Piggy get up.

Last year at this time I was becoming very hopeless in life. I had begun to believe that I got myself into a situation that there was no getting out of. I used to sit and hope that a tree would fall on my house crushing me in my bed or that I would get a horrible terminal disease.

I didn't realize that all I needed to do was ask for help. I'm glad I finally figured that out. Now I'm hopeful in life again. I enjoy the small stuff in life that puts a smile on my face. Sadly it was the small stuff that I was missing out on when I was actively addicted because I was almost oblivious to anything other than wanting and needing drugs.

So it is with great pleasure that I dressed up this year for Halloween. I'm having fun again, I don't know how I lived without it in the past.